May 24th Saturday.

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I've felt ok the past few days, but that's because I've had stuff to do. Yesterday I went out for dinner with Tom and his daughter and I took Jesse-John. Then in the afternoon I had a bust of energy so I got my cleaning head on and blitzed the house. Don't know where my energy came from but I used it wisely and cleaned my house. I cleaned all my fire and Jay-Dees urn. His urn sits on my fire place so he's with me everyday. I talk to my dad and Jay-Dee everyday in the hopes that they hear me. I believe they hear me.
My brothers been visit today for a few hours because it's his birthday. He's 39 today. He does alot for me, he knows how bad my anxiety is so sometimes I don't leave the house, he gets my medication every month for me. He's like my best friend. He always makes me laugh even when I'm sad.
Tomorrow ill be going church, but a different church. I'll be going St Mary's tomorrow because my friends daughter is being baptised. I've probably already mentioned it, but my memory is terrible. That'll be the Menopause!
Tuesday I've got my CT scan and I'm dead nervous incase my cancer is back. I'm praying ill be ok. 
I started watching Code Of Silence on itvx earlier and its really good. I'm having a break from Dexter. 
Jasper is sleeping tonight so I'm just cooking him some tea and that's all from my Saturday. 
I'll be going bed early tonight ready for tomorrow. 
It's 51 weeks tomorrow since my son passed away and it feels like it happened just yesterday. It took 4 years before my dad's death registered in my brain and I still struggle everyday with his death, my sons death is even worse so I don't know if I'll ever come to terms with what's happened. I never got to say goodbye and that kills me inside.
I prayed yesterday that i get better, i asked God to send me some luck in life because if one more thing goes wrong I think I'll end up being sectioned. I don't think mentally ill could cope with another death or cancer. It would tip me over the edge for sure.

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