Cancer, Depression and Me.

Yesterday was my hardest day, the wanting to kill myself was overwhelming. I really had a battle on my hands, but i reached out to friends from church and they got me through the day. Thank you Jesus. So thankful that I made it through the past couple of days. My friend came see me today and we both had a cry and talked for hours. It was just what I needed. Tonight is NYE and my son Jensen has booked a table for us all to go for food at 7pm. I'll have 3 of my boys with me, we're just missing Jay-Dee. Life is so hard but I'm getting through each day and for that I'm so thankful.  You wouldn't believe how thankful I am that I didn't end my life. Anyway, Happy New Year and let's pray 2025 is better. I'm praying for a better year. 2024 has destroyed what was left of me. The only way when you hit rock bottom is up, right? I've got this, I think.

I've done nothing but cry today, I've been my mums and broke my heart. Told her I can't do this anymore. Broke my heart on the phone to my brother and sister. I'm having a really bad day mentally. Same yesterday, I lay in the bath and thought about slicing my wrists open. I'm suicidal today too. I can't do this anymore. I think I'm going have to ring the Samaritans or ring The Sutherland Centre who im under with my psychiatrist. Today is a really bad day. I honestly don't know how I'm getting through each day. My kids are always at the front of my thoughts, everyday, but today I feel like I'm drowning with suicidal thoughts.  I've gone through so much within the past 4 years, I can't deal with the overload of trauma. I lost my 55 year old dad, I had cancer and now my son is dead. That's a hell of alot for the mind and body to deal with. I honestly can't cope with life anymore.

Woke up today crippled with anxiety. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so depressed it's unreal. I just wish my life was over. I'm fed up. It's been 30 weeks without my son here with me. I'm not doing well today, I wish I was dead. Death would be easier than living this life. I'm not thriving, I'm simply just surviving.  Sundays are a hard day. When I woke up this morning I had to force myself to get out of bed. My body didn't want to get up but I had to for the kids. Everything I do is for them.  It's only dinner time and I already want to climb back into my bed and stay there. I'm going go walk my dog and get some fresh air see if that helps. Today is a shit mental health day. I could cry. I'm so tired of fighting to stay alive. It's draining me. I feel trapped in this house! So tired of my mental illness I'm ready give up. I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of life.

Well Christmas is over and done with, thank god. Its been hard, Christmas day I didn't even want to talk to anyone but I did. It's been a quiet Christmas, I didn't want to celebrate it. My first Christmas without my child here. Oh it's been hard. My mental health has plummeted.. I had my brother here for Christmas day and night and I spent boxing day playing games and watching the new Squid Games with Jensen and Jasper. It was lovely. We all miss Jay-Dee so much. My friend is coming visit tomorrow, I've not seen her in forever so it'll be nice to catch up. I've been the shops this morning with Jesse on his new scooter and been the chemist to collect my crazy meds!. How sad is it that I have to rely on medication to get through each day?  2025 has got to be a better year or I won't make it. I can't do another year like this one. I can't take it anymore. Something has got to give. I need a break in life before I give up.

Christmas eve and I'm sat crying. Losing my child has destroyed what was left of me. I'm really struggling today.  I'm not feeling festive at all, I'm sad that my son is no longer here with me. I'm sad that my dad is no longer here. I just keep crying.  I've got no plans to see family over Christmas, my own mother hasn't even invited me hers. It's shit having a broken family.  Myself, my brother and sister just have each other. Christmas is hard. I've got dressed because Jensen is taking me to finish off my food shop today. I'm meant be going church tonight but I've got prep all my veg and potatoes today. God I'll be glad when Christmas is over. I'm so glad I've got my children around me because I'd be lost without them. Christmas time is hard when you have people you love in heaven. Anyway, merry Christmas. 

Christmas eve eve and I've never felt less chrismassy. I feel so alone and isolated. I miss my son and my dad so much. It hurts at Christmas when you've got loved ones in heaven. I've got go last minute shopping tomorrow for the rest of the food shop. I've got everything in for dinner but we need cakes and a cheese board, and stuff for breakfast Christmas morning. 2 more sleeps and it'll all be over and done with. My heart hurts. My son should still be here. I use to visit my dad every Christmas day, every single year. Christmas hasn't been the same since he passed away, and now it's my first Christmas without my son.  It's been 29 weeks, that's 7 months without my son. I've got no recollection of the past 7 months. Life is a blur, I don't know how I'm getting through each day if I'm honest. 7 months without one of my children. I'm stressing about Christmas dinner, why I'm stressing I don't know because it's basically ...

I'm ready for Christmas now, I went shopping yesterday with my brother to get the rest of the food shopping done. Christmas is fast approaching isn't it? This year has flown. 29 weeks today since my son took his own life and I'm really struggling.  Can't get my head around the fact I'm never going to see him again until I die. I should of gone church today! It helps my mental health when I go, but I slept in. I've stripped all my bedding and it's in the wash and I'll do Jesse's tomorrow ready for Santa. Can't wait take the few decorations down I have up. I usually have alot of decorations up but this year I've not been bothered. My heart isn't in it this year.  I'll be 3 years sober on January 1st 2025, if I'm honest, I'm not really sure how I've stayed sober after the death of my son, but I have. Christmas time is hard when you don't drink. I feel like I don't fit in. My brother and Jensen had a drink last night a...

Jesse's last day at school today and he breaks up for Christmas.  I honestly can't wait for Christmas to be over. Jesse's so excited and I try and be excited around him but in all honesty, I'm not feeling chrismassy at all.  I keep beating myself up that he's not got loads to open, but I need to remember the cost of things. For example the PS5 I've brought. Just want it over and done with now. I'm not going to see my sons face Christmas day and that fills me with sadness. I'll have my other 3 boys with me but it's just not right that one of my children are dead. It breaks me inside. I'm sad every day. When will things get better? I keep thinking how I've got to be due some sort of happiness. I'm desperate. I pray alot, even more so since my son passed away. I pray mostly for strength to get through each day. I'm still alive so that's a plus I guess. I'm ok you know, I'm sad everyday but I'm doing ok. I'm not suicid...

Christmas jumper day and Christmas lunch for Jesse-John today. He was so excited to wear his new Ronaldo Christmas jumper that Damian has brought him. I was doing so well, doing the washing, cleaning up etc and then a wave of sadness about losing my child hit me and I've broke my heart. Everyday is hard but some days are really hard to deal with. I miss my sons voice, I miss his little smile he used to do when I said or did something funny. I miss me. I miss the old me, before all the trauma.  Today is a shit mental health day. There's nothing more I'd love, than to call it a day on life. I've had enough of being strong. I'm tired of crying. I just wish I was dead. A week today and it will be Christmas, I can't wait for it to be over. I've brought everything I needed to buy and I've wrapped everything up. What I don't understand, is how I've made it through each day since my son passed away. Life is like a blur.  I feel sad today. I miss my son a...

So, I did everything I planned to do today. My mind has been completely occupied all day. I went the Christmas concert and sang my heart out, I was so nervous.  My palms were sweating, I felt my face burn up,  but I did it and I'm so proud of myself. Everything was going so well until the end of the concert, a teacher said sorry about my son and I cried. I know this will happen alot, probably for the rest of my life. Jasper came to the concert and I felt like I could of burst with pride singing infront of one of my children. Jesse was on the stage too singing with the rest of the children from school that came. I felt proud tonight, proud that I didn't let anxiety win. Proud that I was part of a Christmas concert when I'm not feeling chrismassy at all. I even wore a Christmas jumper. But most of all, I'm proud that my children are proud of me. I know my son would of been watching me from above, I just hope he's proud of me. Using the word proud alot tonight which is...

I got up and went to Church this morning. So glad I went, it clears my mind. Cooked Jesse a little sausage dinner and that's about it. I do so well when I'm out of the house and then I get back home and it hits me all over again that my son is dead. 1 more week of school runs and then Jesse breaks up for Christmas.  It's the Christmas concert tomorrow night at St Mary's and my anxiety is through the roof. Don't know why. I know ill be fine so why am I suffering with anxiety? I've got to just keep pushing through each day, I know this. I literally live day to day. I can't wait get into bed, I hate being awake.  How am I feeling today? Honestly, I think I'm ok. I've not felt suicidal today, so that's a plus.  I've got a busy day tomorrow, I've got rehearsal and dinner tomorrow with the choir, straight after I've got afternoon tea with Santa and Jesse-John and then tomorrow night I'm at St Mary's singing. I'm shitting myself ...

Not long got home from the Christmas memorial service at St Mary and St Chads church. The Church is beautiful inside. It was a beautiful service, when my sons photo and name came on a big screen at the front of the Church, I absolutely broke my heart. I sobbed. I wasn't just crying, them tears came directly from my heart. I sobbed like a baby. It broke me seeing him on that screen and hearing his name read out. I am a broken woman tonight. My eyes are stinging and heavy from the crying. I plan on going to Church in the morning. I go to St John's, it's not far from where I live. I get so much peace inside when I go into a Church. It can be any Church, I just feel at ease when I'm there. It's where I'm meant to be. Lifes hard isn't it?

I've kept myself busy the past couple of days, done some Christmas crafting with Jesse at school, that was yesterday and this morning I went shopping with 2 of my friends. Got my meat today ready for Christmas. I got Jesse some Christmas pj's. He never wears pj's but thought I'd buy him some Christmas ones. His little face lit up, something so small like a set of pj's, he's so grateful. It's little things like this that make me realise why I'm fighting to stay alive everyday. Wearing a smile everyday, when you're dead inside, is draining. When anyone asks how I am, I say I'm ok, but in reality, I'm far from ok.  I'm thankful today for the better days I'm having, it's just unfortunate they don't last. I've had more Christmas presents delivered today, so now I'm pretty much done. I've got 2 presents left to wrap. Considering my heart isn't in it, I've tried my best for Jesse-John.  It's my 41st birthday i...

I've had breakfast with Santa this morning at school with Jesse. Just seeing his little face light up, that's my reason to keep going. After, I went shopping with my friend Kayleigh, brought a few more gifts and now I'm pretty much done. Thank god. Alot of my Christmas shopping was done online. I've also been wrapping as I buy so I've only got 3 more gifts to wrap. Jesse's only asked for a scooter for Christmas, bless his little heart. I can't wait see his face when he finds out Santa got him a PS5.  I've walked my dog and now she's fast asleep, snoring on my knee. She's like my little support dog. She's gotten me through some dark days. I had a little cry this morning but I'm ok now. Grief really is sneaky, I randomly cry about my son.  I'm feeling ok today.. it does me the world of good to get out of the house. 2 weeks today and it will be Christmas. I won't lie, I can't wait for it to be over.

I met up with my sister and managed to buy a few gifts. I was fine when I left the house, I knew I would be, but in the evening, my anxiety about the next day is high and I don't know why. I don't know why I'm suffering with anxiety, could it be part of grief? I don't know. I'm hanging on by a thread, going Christmas shopping just depressed me. My first Christmas without my son, it's going to be hard. It's still hard to deal with not having my dad here and now I have to try and deal with my son not being here. My head is not a good place to be. I can't believe how mentally unwell I am. Losing people we love really fucks with the head, I can't deal with it. I can't deal with death, I don't know how to process death, but, I'm also not afraid to die. I'm living in limbo, I need to be here for my children, but I also need my son in heaven. This is my life now and I need to learn how to live. That's the problem though, I'm so lost ...

I've felt a bit better today, I've been the cafe this morning with the girls. We did some Christmas crafting. I'm meeting my sister tomorrow to do some Christmas shopping. The anxiety I've got is unreal. I'm going to meet her, I will force myself. I don't know what's happened to me, well, I do actually,  it's trauma isn't it? I'll let you know how tomorrow goes. I'm booked on to a breakfast with santa at the school Wednesday, I can't wait to see Jesse's face. It's things like this that keep me going. I don't know how to feel more chrismassy. I feel bad that I'm not excited for Christmas. I'll honestly be glad when it's over with if I'm honest. I'm dreading it, my first Christmas without my child. I'm tired all the time, I hate waking up and I can't wait to go back to bed. I think I'm grieving. My body just wants to sleep. It's like dying, without the commitment. I read that somewhere and cou...

Sunday, THE worst day of the week for me. My father passed away on a Sunday and so did my Son. Today my Dad would of been 60 years old. He will forever be 55 years old. How heartbreaking is that. I've lost my Dad and my Son and my identity. I lost myself, the day my father passed away, a part of me went with him. Then my son tragically dying, whats left of me went with him. Today is a hard day. I feel so empty, I could cry. Life was never meant to be this way. There was a Christmas light switch on last night at Church and Santa was there, so I decided take Jesse-John. I'm trying to do things when I can because it occupies my mind. I loved seeing Jesse's little smile when he saw Santa. He asked me the other day, if Santa was real, I assured him that he was real. Makes me think that this is probably his last year believing which makes me sad. I wish my heart was in Christmas but its not and I feel bad that I can't bring myself to be happy. It's meant to be a happy tim...

I've been struggling for years now, years of fighting for my life. I'm so fucking drained by life. I haven't had a 'better day' for a while. I usually get 1 or 2 better days a week, but I can't remember the last 'better day' I had. My mental health is shocking, I honestly don't know how I'm getting through each day. I've honestly had enough. Surely somethings got to give, I've got to be due some sort of happiness? I'm gutted I wake up in the morning. I'm also thank ful I do because my death would destroy my children.  I just can't leave my children, as much as I fantasise about dying, I have to stay alive for them. The key to my existence is my children. They don't realise they save me everyday. The don't know how mentally unwell I am. They know to a certain degree, but they don't know I'm suicidal every day. They know I'm sad, but they don't know the depth of my depression and grief. Anyway, I went to ...

Just broke my heart, was sat thinking about my son and just cried. Sat contemplating suicide whilst I'm home alone. The only thing stopping me is a Christmas craft afternoon I'm booked on with Jesse-John.  Why is life so hard?  It's going to be years before I start to feel better isn't it? It took me nearly 4 years to start feeling better after my fathers death. I'm not sure I've got another 4 years in me. It's hard you know, every day is hard work. It's a battle to stay alive. It's like survival of the fittest. I tell myself I've got this, but I haven't have I? I'm not even scared about killing myself, I'm scared of leaving my children.  As I sit crying and typing this blog, I wonder if I will make it? Will depression and grief kill me? I'm tired of being strong if I'm honest. The loss of my Son and Dad, hits me everyday. Some days I can deal with the loss and some days it consumes me. Today is a bad day. 

I've got Jesse off school today, he had sickness and diarrhoea yesterday. He's fine today so he's going back school tomorrow. He's not been sick again since early hours Sunday morning.  Christmas is fast approaching and my heart isn't feeling it. This time next month it will all be over and done with. Thank god. My goal for 2025 is to get better mentally.  Not sure how I'm going to do it, but I need to do something.  I need to start thinking more positively.  I need to be more thankful for what I have in my life. It's so hard changing your mindset when you suffer with depression. Throw grief into the equation and it's a nightmare.  It was 26 weeks yesterday since my son so tragically passed away.  I'm still sober too. I ask myself 'how am I still sober?' And I honestly don't know. I'm as shocked as you are. I'll be 3 years sober on January 1st 2025. 3 whole years of sobriety. Some times I think it adds to my depression,  but I kno...