Cancer, Depression and Me.

Just broke my heart, was sat thinking about my son and just cried. Sat contemplating suicide whilst I'm home alone. The only thing stopping me is a Christmas craft afternoon I'm booked on with Jesse-John.  Why is life so hard?  It's going to be years before I start to feel better isn't it? It took me nearly 4 years to start feeling better after my fathers death. I'm not sure I've got another 4 years in me. It's hard you know, every day is hard work. It's a battle to stay alive. It's like survival of the fittest. I tell myself I've got this, but I haven't have I? I'm not even scared about killing myself, I'm scared of leaving my children.  As I sit crying and typing this blog, I wonder if I will make it? Will depression and grief kill me? I'm tired of being strong if I'm honest. The loss of my Son and Dad, hits me everyday. Some days I can deal with the loss and some days it consumes me. Today is a bad day. 

I've got Jesse off school today, he had sickness and diarrhoea yesterday. He's fine today so he's going back school tomorrow. He's not been sick again since early hours Sunday morning.  Christmas is fast approaching and my heart isn't feeling it. This time next month it will all be over and done with. Thank god. My goal for 2025 is to get better mentally.  Not sure how I'm going to do it, but I need to do something.  I need to start thinking more positively.  I need to be more thankful for what I have in my life. It's so hard changing your mindset when you suffer with depression. Throw grief into the equation and it's a nightmare.  It was 26 weeks yesterday since my son so tragically passed away.  I'm still sober too. I ask myself 'how am I still sober?' And I honestly don't know. I'm as shocked as you are. I'll be 3 years sober on January 1st 2025. 3 whole years of sobriety. Some times I think it adds to my depression,  but I kno...