December 18th Wednesday.

Christmas jumper day and Christmas lunch for Jesse-John today. He was so excited to wear his new Ronaldo Christmas jumper that Damian has brought him.

I was doing so well, doing the washing, cleaning up etc and then a wave of sadness about losing my child hit me and I've broke my heart.

Everyday is hard but some days are really hard to deal with.

I miss my sons voice, I miss his little smile he used to do when I said or did something funny.

I miss me.

I miss the old me, before all the trauma. 

Today is a shit mental health day.

There's nothing more I'd love, than to call it a day on life. I've had enough of being strong. I'm tired of crying. I just wish I was dead.

A week today and it will be Christmas, I can't wait for it to be over.

I've brought everything I needed to buy and I've wrapped everything up.

What I don't understand, is how I've made it through each day since my son passed away. Life is like a blur. 

I feel sad today. I miss my son and my dad so much.

Why is life so cruel?

I was meant to die before my children, it isn't right that my child has gone before me. I pray he's ok and that he's with my dad. 

I'm praying for strength today.

Prayer gets me through some tough days.

I know God isn't for everyone but having faith is what keeps me going, that and my children.

I've said before but they're the only reason I've not given up on life.

They save me everyday and they haven't got a clue.