December 20th Friday.

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Jesse's last day at school today and he breaks up for Christmas. 
I honestly can't wait for Christmas to be over. Jesse's so excited and I try and be excited around him but in all honesty, I'm not feeling chrismassy at all. 
I keep beating myself up that he's not got loads to open, but I need to remember the cost of things. For example the PS5 I've brought. Just want it over and done with now.
I'm not going to see my sons face Christmas day and that fills me with sadness. I'll have my other 3 boys with me but it's just not right that one of my children are dead. It breaks me inside.
I'm sad every day. When will things get better?
I keep thinking how I've got to be due some sort of happiness. I'm desperate.
I pray alot, even more so since my son passed away. I pray mostly for strength to get through each day. I'm still alive so that's a plus I guess.
I'm ok you know, I'm sad everyday but I'm doing ok. I'm not suicidal which is the main thing. 
I went the cafe this morning sit with my friends before we break up for Christmas and I found myself forcing conversation. I literally having nothing to say anymore to anyone. I have to force myself to talk, how sad is that.
I know I'm grieving and I have to remind myself of this, I don't feel like being happy or talkative but I'm trying my best and that's all I can do.
It's not a happy Christmas for me, it's just Christmas. 

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