December 22nd Sunday.

I'm ready for Christmas now, I went shopping yesterday with my brother to get the rest of the food shopping done. Christmas is fast approaching isn't it?

This year has flown.

29 weeks today since my son took his own life and I'm really struggling. 

Can't get my head around the fact I'm never going to see him again until I die.

I should of gone church today! It helps my mental health when I go, but I slept in.

I've stripped all my bedding and it's in the wash and I'll do Jesse's tomorrow ready for Santa.

Can't wait take the few decorations down I have up. I usually have alot of decorations up but this year I've not been bothered. My heart isn't in it this year. 

I'll be 3 years sober on January 1st 2025, if I'm honest, I'm not really sure how I've stayed sober after the death of my son, but I have. Christmas time is hard when you don't drink. I feel like I don't fit in. My brother and Jensen had a drink last night and I sat there with a can of Pepsi max. I wish I could just have 1 or 2 drinks and then stop but it wouldn't happen would it, so it's best I just stay sober.

I'm doing it for my kids.

Christmas time, I use to drink Baileys mixed with Jack Daniels. Not going lie, I miss drinking some times, especially Christmas time but I refuse to break my sobriety.

4 years ago today I nearly died, I took enough sleeping tablets to kill me. I was sedated and put on breathing equipment and here today to tell the story. It wasn't my time to go. I vowed since then to never attempt suicide again. Don't get my wrong, I have suicidal thoughts most days but I fight them thoughts. If I wasn't sober I'd be dead already.

I honestly believe if I wasn't put on Olanzopine a few years ago, I'd be dead already. It's an anti psychotic you know.

It's saved my life.

Anyway, I'm going get my washing done and make my bed when my bedding is dry.