December 10th Tuesday.

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I met up with my sister and managed to buy a few gifts. I was fine when I left the house, I knew I would be, but in the evening, my anxiety about the next day is high and I don't know why.
I don't know why I'm suffering with anxiety, could it be part of grief? I don't know.
I'm hanging on by a thread, going Christmas shopping just depressed me. My first Christmas without my son, it's going to be hard. It's still hard to deal with not having my dad here and now I have to try and deal with my son not being here. My head is not a good place to be.
I can't believe how mentally unwell I am.
Losing people we love really fucks with the head, I can't deal with it. I can't deal with death, I don't know how to process death, but, I'm also not afraid to die.
I'm living in limbo, I need to be here for my children, but I also need my son in heaven.
This is my life now and I need to learn how to live. That's the problem though, I'm so lost in life I just don't know who I am anymore. 
Am I lost forever?

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