December 5th Thursday.

I've been struggling for years now, years of fighting for my life. I'm so fucking drained by life. I haven't had a 'better day' for a while. I usually get 1 or 2 better days a week, but I can't remember the last 'better day' I had.

My mental health is shocking, I honestly don't know how I'm getting through each day. I've honestly had enough.

Surely somethings got to give, I've got to be due some sort of happiness?

I'm gutted I wake up in the morning.

I'm also thank ful I do because my death would destroy my children. 

I just can't leave my children, as much as I fantasise about dying, I have to stay alive for them. The key to my existence is my children.

They don't realise they save me everyday.

The don't know how mentally unwell I am.

They know to a certain degree, but they don't know I'm suicidal every day.

They know I'm sad, but they don't know the depth of my depression and grief.

Anyway, I went to choir yesterday and we recorded our songs ready for them to play in the background, as we sing at the Christmas concert at St Mary's Church on the 16th. It's my 3rd year singing but this year I've got really bad anxiety about doing it. I'm going to do it, I'll force myself because I know it will do me good. I can't keep isolating myself.

I feel like I'm lost in life, like I don't fit in anymore. It's a sad existence. I pray for strength everyday and I always pray that tomorrow will be better.

You can't get any lower than how I feel, so that means the only way is up, surely?

My son, Jensen found out the other day that he's got his promotion to Team Leader. That means he'll be moving to Colombia 🇨🇴 

He's got to sort his Visa out with his solicitors and then he'll be leaving me.

I'm so happy and excited for him because he's living his absolute best life, but, my heart already aches for his departure. 

He said he's only going for the year then he'll be back. I'm going to feel so lost when he goes, but I only want what's best for him. His gf lives in Colombia and he will be moving in with her.

Then it will just be, myself, Jasper and Jesse-John.