December 13th Friday.

I've kept myself busy the past couple of days, done some Christmas crafting with Jesse at school, that was yesterday and this morning I went shopping with 2 of my friends. Got my meat today ready for Christmas. I got Jesse some Christmas pj's. He never wears pj's but thought I'd buy him some Christmas ones. His little face lit up, something so small like a set of pj's, he's so grateful. It's little things like this that make me realise why I'm fighting to stay alive everyday.

Wearing a smile everyday, when you're dead inside, is draining. When anyone asks how I am, I say I'm ok, but in reality, I'm far from ok. 

I'm thankful today for the better days I'm having, it's just unfortunate they don't last.

I've had more Christmas presents delivered today, so now I'm pretty much done. I've got 2 presents left to wrap.

Considering my heart isn't in it, I've tried my best for Jesse-John. 

It's my 41st birthday in 28 days, makes me sad because for my 40th myself and my 4 boys went out for food together. 

I'm always going to have this hole in my heart.

Won't be long before Jensen moves to Colombia to work. I'm going to feel so lost when he goes. I'm going to be so worried about him, I'm going to miss him so much. 

I'm going to a memorial service tomorrow evening with Damian and Louise. It's arranged by the funeral home for loved ones we've lost this year. Damian has sent a photo of Jay-Dee in to be shown at the service. I just know I'm going to break my heart. I've got anxiety about going. I've got anxiety about life.

I miss my son and dad more than anything in the world.