December 9th Monday.

I've felt a bit better today, I've been the cafe this morning with the girls. We did some Christmas crafting.

I'm meeting my sister tomorrow to do some Christmas shopping. The anxiety I've got is unreal. I'm going to meet her, I will force myself. I don't know what's happened to me, well, I do actually,  it's trauma isn't it?

I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.

I'm booked on to a breakfast with santa at the school Wednesday, I can't wait to see Jesse's face.

It's things like this that keep me going.

I don't know how to feel more chrismassy.

I feel bad that I'm not excited for Christmas. I'll honestly be glad when it's over with if I'm honest. I'm dreading it, my first Christmas without my child.

I'm tired all the time, I hate waking up and I can't wait to go back to bed. I think I'm grieving. My body just wants to sleep.

It's like dying, without the commitment. I read that somewhere and could relate.

I've got the kids all around me now, 2 upstairs, 1 sat on the opposite settee and I feel so lonely. One of my children are gone and life ended as I knew it. 

It will never feel right, just having 3 of my children here, it should be 4. I will always be a mum to 4 boys, only 1 lives in heaven.