December 3rd Tuesday.

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Just broke my heart, was sat thinking about my son and just cried.
Sat contemplating suicide whilst I'm home alone.
The only thing stopping me is a Christmas craft afternoon I'm booked on with Jesse-John. 
Why is life so hard? 
It's going to be years before I start to feel better isn't it?
It took me nearly 4 years to start feeling better after my fathers death. I'm not sure I've got another 4 years in me. It's hard you know, every day is hard work.
It's a battle to stay alive. It's like survival of the fittest.
I tell myself I've got this, but I haven't have I?
I'm not even scared about killing myself, I'm scared of leaving my children. 
As I sit crying and typing this blog, I wonder if I will make it?
Will depression and grief kill me?
I'm tired of being strong if I'm honest.
The loss of my Son and Dad, hits me everyday. Some days I can deal with the loss and some days it consumes me.
Today is a bad day. 

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