Cancer, Depression and Me.

I have come to realise, I need to take the good with the bad. Everyday isn't going to be happy and I now know that there will be good and bad days. Since taking new medication I sort of see things differently now, a more calm look on life. I tell myself that there will indeed be bad days and that's something I need to rememeber. I feel in limbo with explaining how I feel, I don't feel sad but I don't feel happy. I feel a bit lost in life. My dad dying of cancer, and then me having cancer has really messed my life up. I think the trauma was too much for me to handle, saying that, I am still alive. I'm doing something right.

Jesse-John just said to me, "grandad was 55, he died 55? what age will you die mummy?" My reply was "not yet". What does 'not yet' even mean. I guess one thing, it means I am getting better because I probably would of usually said 'hopefullly soon'. Will I ever come to terms with what has happened to my dad? I doubt it. I think this is me now for the rest of my life, messed up and having to rely on medication to keep me sane. What a sad existance I will be living until I die............................

Didn't think I had any emotions in me with taking Olanzapine, turns out I do have emotions because my dad's car has just gone and I've cried and cried. That car was my dad's absolute pride and joy.  Today is a sad day. I keep telling myself that it was time to let go of the car but it hurts inside so badly. I've got to try and move forward in life, as hard as it will be, my children need their mum stronger than I'm feeling. Honestly, if I didn't have my kids I'd he dead already.

390 days sober today, amazing. Still, I don't understand how but I'm doing it.  It's getting easier, finally. Everyday is a silent battle. It's only alcohol isn't it, but when you've consumed it as much as I did, some days are harder than others. Today I am 390 days sober and I am proud of me xxx

Some times I think about stopping this blogging thing, why do I even do it? It has become a place to get shit off my chest that is for sure. Anyway, I came on here to talk about tomorrow. Tomorrow my dads car goes away for ever, it is being scraped. I have very mixed emotions about all of this. I know it is time to try and move on and live some sort of existence and dads car has been sat on my drive for 2 years now, but I don't want to let go because it was my dads pride and joy. My dad would be saying get rid, I just know it but it's a massive thing for me to be doing. I have that many of my dads belongings it unreal, including his ashes in my bedroom. This about the car makes me sad. But, I know its time to say goodbye. Its a move forward in my grieving (I think). I say to myself and now on here "my dad is waiting for the day we meet again, we will meet again, it's just not my time just yet. My boys need their mumma". I'm so sad that I have to wait to see h

I talk to myself alot, out loud. I have to tell myself outloud that I am going to be ok. If I have to walk anywhere I have to say it over and over. Anxiety is a bitch! This increased Olanzopine, I have become numb to everything. I stopped writing poetry, the words stopped, my feelings have stoppped, I feel like a walking empty vessel. I can't describe the pain inside from losing my dad, I never felt heartbreak like it. I'm alot stronger than I was and I know it's thanks to all the medication I take but also, many of times I have very nearly ended my life but with true will power I have saved myself. Me. I've put in a hard graft to beat them dark days and believe me when I say this, them days are real dark and very lonely. My days aren't filled with joy and happiness yet but they look alot brighter than they did. Today, I keep using the phrase 'good day' I am having a good day. There is nothing good about it but I'm not suicidal, so in that respect, it is

Thought I would talk about how I still do not understand how I have made it to today, I don't really rememeber alot since my dad died, everything is a blur. I feel like I survive evryday, I don't enjoy life, it seems to just pass by. Not really sure how I float through the day but I do, unwillingly, I am indeed living. I might only be a shell but I am slowly finding myself. I know I dont't mind being on my own, I have become so strong with managing my feelings. I don't stay sad for long anymore, I don't hold grudges now, do as you would like to be done, what you do, you will receive. I give love so freely, I love and I desire to be loved. Not asking much, right? Hahaa I read about manifestation, so I want to try and write more positive. Manifestation, write it down and hope for the best! Anyway, so yeah, ermm, I'm still here and it has got to be a mixture of medication and strength from above that keeps me going everyday. xxx

Forced myself this evening to get a bath and wash my hair! People see a happy smiley Ann-louise, but inside, I am really sad. I can go days without brushing my hair or even teeth. If you suffer with depression you will know what I mean. Selfcare does not exist. We just don't care. So, as I was saying, I have bathed, washed my hair that is droppping out in chunks due to the menopause, shaped my brows and tinted them and amoungst all this, I am still sad inside. I'm just getting better at hiding it. I'm not getting better, I have become numb to anything and everything. That will be the medication. January is the most depressing month of the year, the longest month, feels like it lasts forever then when it ends the year goes by in the blink of an eye. I know I have probably said this before but how have I made it to 2023. Honestly I thought I would be dead by now.. I guess I am thankful to still be here because my boys would be devastated if I ever did something stupid. They a

Although my sleeping has massively improved thanks to the Olanzopine, I still have the odd night where my mind goes on overdrive, like tonight for example. Been lying in bed over an hour and just can't switch off, so thought, I know, lets tell the world how messed up your sleeping patern really is. I'm yawning but as soon as I try to sleep, boom! All these thoughts go running through my head. Some times I openly tell myself to shut up and it works but not tonight. Also, it is snowing. Can not rememeber the last time we had snow. Wonder if I have blogged about it and forgotten. The Menopause has fried my memory. I am 39 with the memory of a 79 year old dementia patient, I am not even joking. Do you know how depressing that is when half way through a conversation, I have to ask what were we talking about!! Depressing. That is all.xxx

Lets talk about how empty I feel inside since my dads death, still after 2 years it still hurts. My dad and I did everything together, he really was my best friend. Life is so hard, I find myself often talking out loud hoping he can hear me. I hope he can. There is a massive void inside me that will never go away until I meet my father again. The death of a parent really hurts. Dad was the glue to our family and now he's not here I feel like I've got no one. I think this blog keeps me sane, writing about how I feel does me the world of good. Just paused for a moment and rested my head in my hands, I asked myself earlier why I survived cancer. I need to know what my purpose is because I must have one or how else did I just get through the last 2 years? I have gone through alot of 'tweeking' my medication to get to where I am today and alot of willpower to fight my demons that try to kill me daily. Them intrusive thoughts are no joke. If you're following my blog, fir

So, I read something this morning. Something from the Bible that made me stop and think. How I can put it into words is something like this.. So, I keep praying for better days but if I take a step back and look back to last year, this exact time last year I was in a real dark lonely place. Praying for a better day and if you think about it, I'm here. I've reached my better days. A year ago today I didn't want to be alive, today, I do want to be alive. Today I have a fight in me, last year I didn't care about a thing, I wanted to die so badly and now I don't. My prayers were silently answered, I secretly prayed that I would see another day and no matter what I had to battle along the way, I made it to today. I survived every single obsticle that has been thrown at me, I am stronger than I think I am. If you think about it, even though some days are still dark, I am infact seeing some happier days. They were the days I prayed for. These are the days they give me hope

So I started at 5mg for about 3 months I think, it's now been a few days on the 10mg strength.  Safe to say I know when these kick in. It's so depressing how I have to live on medication just to feel normalish.  Apparently, they can increase weight gain. Absolutely fantastic, I battle with my weight as it is. I only have to smile at a custard slice and I gain weight. Fucking hate my life sometimes. I felt numb (no empathy) off the 5mg, I'll end up without a care in the world about everything taking 10mg a day. I also take 300mg Venlafexine every morning for breakfast haha swear if I don't laugh if forever cry. Anyway, let's see if my Blogs show an improvement in my mental health. Fingers crossed 🤞🏼 xxx

So I thought I'd write about how my first sober Christmas went and also, I celebrated my 2nd sober birthday. As if I am over a year sober!! Wow. Let's get back to Christmas, it sure is different when you don't drink! I participated way more than I usually would, usually first thing I'd be pouring myself a glass of Baileys. This year I was setting up toys, putting batteries in etc. My whole outlook has changed, everything is much more clearer. After my fathers death I see the world so differently and being sober henhanced things even more. I appreciate life today, I am aware this will not last but yesterday and today I am thankful I'm alive. I have my faith now and I now understand that God has a plan for me. Having faith warms my heart. I know that my dad is watching over me and guiding me in life. There is definitely a plan for me or how am I still alive? Back to Christmas, I won't lie to you, I found it so hard to stay sober, but I did. Guarentee if I'd o

It is January 7th 2023, I have been writing this blog since April 2021. I was lying in bed thinking of everything I have gone through and what I have written about in this blog and it blows my mind how I have even survived. My dad died of cancer, I had cancer, had a hysterechtomy (can't have anymore children), I've been forced into the menopause (heads fallen off) lost 4 stone in 9 months (chronic depression) and I gave up alcohol (371 days sober today) but who's counting.. me that's who, the only way I get through each day is by marking off another sober day that I didn't kill myself. Yay (she say's sarcastically). It's crazy to think how much I have gone through and how I have survived. How have I survived, I hear you ask.. Well, I'm not entirely sure where I get the strength from, I personally believe my dad is guiding me because how else am I still here. It sure as hell isn't luck because If it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all

 Thought I was ready to be around alcohol but I'm not. I got ready and went out tonight, I lasted 2 hours and I'm back home eating chocolate on my bed. What even is my life, can't even trust myself around drink. Am I weak or strong? Weak for leaving and going home or strong for leaving and going home? I sure as hell don't feel strong, I feel pathetic for having to leave so I don't get tempted to drink. Is my whole life going to be one big horrible battle!!Arrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! So angry with how much I have to battle in life but I have to believe God has a plan for me and by having faith I will be ok. Have a pic of me on a good day.

 It arrived, my better day. This is what I keep saying to myself on them dark days, I say out loud over and over "a better day will come, this will pass". Tomorrow is always a fresh start, a new day, new possibilities, a second chance. These are things I repeatedly say, over and over on them dark days. Today I brushed my teeth, even washed my hair and, and I shaved my legs hahaha that is a pretty big deal when you feel as low as I do for days on end. Today I am thankful I woke up. Today is a better day.

 Wow and I mean wow, I have had a really and I mean really low day mentally, I have cried a river today. My eyes are all swollen and puffy from the amount of tears I have cried. I wish I was exaggerating but I'm not. I feel so lost in life it scares me. I know I'm on this sober journey now but Cancer and losing my dad has really messed me up as a person. I use to be so outgoing and bubbly, I had a fire in my heart, I had depression but nothing like I have now, this is unbearable, a constant emptiness inside. My heart has been broken and nothing will ever fill this void, it's like there's a massive piece of me missing. The death of a parent is something else. How do you come back from losing a massive part of you. My dad was me and I am him. I just read back what I've written.. my dad was me and I am him, so I know he lives on within me but that doesn't make me feel any better, I'm  never going see him again until the day I die and that shit hurts! Like reall

 All morning I've thought about travelling to Hanley and jumping off the bridge, I've had to open the laptop and write about it before I end up killing myself. You wouldn't believe how much better I feel after I've written about it. I knew things were still bad when it became a chore brushing my teeth and then I stopped brushing them, stopped brushing my hair, stopped bathing and now I want to stop living. There's a reason for how I feel now and I know it will pass, it's the waiting for it to pass that's the problem. I know one day depression is going to win. What an absolute bastard depression is. My heart is broken beyond repair. What a start to 2023.

 How's it feels being a year sober... It feels like I'm the loneliest person in the world, it feels like your rib cage is being crushed to the point tears fall down my cheeks. It feels cold and it's dark. It's suffocating and isolating. It is hand on heart the worst place to be in. I am beyond lonely, I honestly don't understand how I have made it to 2023. Like, how the fuck did I get here?!? You ever feel like you're in a different world, if that makes sense? No, just me then. I feel like I'm just watching the world around me, like I'm a sim. It's 2023 and I feel like shit mentally, I'm still in a terrible place as much as try convince myself I'm getting better. I'm not, I'm lying to myself. How do I get out of this depressive dark lonely hole I seem to be stuck in constantly, It's lonely being Ann-Louise, who even am I?