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Jesse-John just said to me, "grandad was 55, he died 55? what age will you die mummy?" My reply was "not yet". What does 'not yet' even mean. I guess one thing, it means I am getting better because I probably would of usually said 'hopefullly soon'. Will I ever come to terms with what has happened to my dad? I doubt it. I think this is me now for the rest of my life, messed up and having to rely on medication to keep me sane. What a sad existance I will be living until I die............................

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