June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

So I thought I'd write about how my first sober Christmas went and also, I celebrated my 2nd sober birthday. As if I am over a year sober!! Wow. Let's get back to Christmas, it sure is different when you don't drink! I participated way more than I usually would, usually first thing I'd be pouring myself a glass of Baileys. This year I was setting up toys, putting batteries in etc. My whole outlook has changed, everything is much more clearer. After my fathers death I see the world so differently and being sober henhanced things even more. I appreciate life today, I am aware this will not last but yesterday and today I am thankful I'm alive. I have my faith now and I now understand that God has a plan for me. Having faith warms my heart. I know that my dad is watching over me and guiding me in life. There is definitely a plan for me or how am I still alive? Back to Christmas, I won't lie to you, I found it so hard to stay sober, but I did. Guarentee if I'd of been drinking I would of ruined Christmas by either feeling suicidal and cutting my wrists or crying over the death of my dad and making everyone feel uncomfortable. As much as I was hurting over Christmas, I didn't let it show. I didn't want to ruin Christmas like I've done so many times in the past. My name is Ann-louise and I am a recovering alcoholic, today I am 376 days sober!!!!! What an achievement, I honestly don't know how I've done it but I'm still doing it. I am one strong ass woman! I mean if cancer couldn't kill me what can. I pray I never cave in and I pray I stay sober for the rest of my life. Let's talk about the mother son relationship. I have 4 boys, I know, I am very blessed. The relationship I had when drinking was pretty poor looking back, I use to spend all my time either thinking about buying drink or spending my time pouring drink. The worst thing is my children have had to watch me either try end my life or cut myself. I'm disgusted in how I use to be, I was vile in drink. I just wanted to die. I mean I still do now, but now I can control my emotions. I can fight back at the demons within. The past year being sober, the bond I have with my 4 children is amazing. We've all become so close and they really look after me, all 4 are amazing and I love them more than life itself. I would walk to the end of the world and back if they needed me to, they don't know this but everysingle day I get to see my boys saves my life. My will to live is because they wake up every morning healthy. They are why I am sober because they are my reason to live. Without them I am not me. My boys have got me through some very dark days. They've seen me in some very dark places and I am sorry for that but this is the reason I write this blog. It's ok that I messed up as a mum because for the past year I've been putting that right, fixing everything I did in alcohol. Not only am I grieving but I'm battling addiction and if I'm still alive today after everything and I'm still sober then you can do it too! Each day is a new day to start again. I might of messed up all them years but I have a new day everyday to make things right and that is what I am doing. I don't want my boys to have to say to people mum died from drinking. If mum dies it will be because depression won and that I stayed sober and when they read my blog they'll know I tried my best to stay alive. But, anyway, I'm not suicidal today. Today is a good day. Love Ann-louise xxx