I talk to myself alot, out loud.
I have to tell myself outloud that I am going to be ok.
If I have to walk anywhere I have to say it over and over.
Anxiety is a bitch!
This increased Olanzopine, I have become numb to everything.
I stopped writing poetry, the words stopped, my feelings have stoppped, I feel like a walking empty vessel.
I can't describe the pain inside from losing my dad, I never felt heartbreak like it.
I'm alot stronger than I was and I know it's thanks to all the medication I take but also, many of times I have very nearly ended my life but with true will power I have saved myself. Me. I've put in a hard graft to beat them dark days and believe me when I say this, them days are real dark and very lonely.
My days aren't filled with joy and happiness yet but they look alot brighter than they did.
Today, I keep using the phrase 'good day' I am having a good day. There is nothing good about it but I'm not suicidal, so in that respect, it is indded a good day.
March 1st Sunday.
Natalie bombarded me with messages last night, pissed me right off. Telling me she loves me, so this morning ive told her its infatuation and she can't possibly love me and to leave me alone. Ive got enough shit going on in my head without her adding to it. Fuck it off! Life's so much easier being single. Just me and my boys. Going eat what I want today then start calorie counting tomorrow, try shift some weight. Got us all a McDonald's breakfast this morning haha. Don't know how im going stick to a diet, but im going try my best. Getting my hair done tomorrow, really can't be bothered, but my roots are so bad. Thank god my mums a hairdresser haha. I feel ok today, better than I have done the past few days/weeks. Im cooking a gammon joint for dinner. Still need wash my slow cooker, but that can wait till tomorrow. Trying stay positive today and be more thankful. Its hard when you're depressed and grieving. I pray im not like this forever because its horrible. Yo...
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