It is January 7th 2023, I have been writing this blog since April 2021.
I was lying in bed thinking of everything I have gone through and what I have written about in this blog and it blows my mind how I have even survived.
My dad died of cancer, I had cancer, had a hysterechtomy (can't have anymore children), I've been forced into the menopause (heads fallen off) lost 4 stone in 9 months (chronic depression) and I gave up alcohol (371 days sober today) but who's counting.. me that's who, the only way I get through each day is by marking off another sober day that I didn't kill myself. Yay (she say's sarcastically).
It's crazy to think how much I have gone through and how I have survived.
How have I survived, I hear you ask..
Well, I'm not entirely sure where I get the strength from, I personally believe my dad is guiding me because how else am I still here. It sure as hell isn't luck because If it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
I have faith now, I rememeber writing a while back that I ended up in church, well I continued going and it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have found God, there's a reason for everything that has happened in my life, I don't know what the reason is but God has a plan and I have to believe that and that is what keeps me going.
I wrote this blog because I just needed to reflect on everything I have battled and made it through, I have test affter test and I have passed and my biggest test now is to stay sober.
Thanks for reading guys xxx
June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.
The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
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