Cancer, Depression and Me.

I can't describe how much I detest these injections, so fed up of them now but today was a first for me, I actually injected myself 🥺 I put the needle in then froze before I pushed down to inject the stuff into myself.. I mean I literally froze looking at the needle hanging out 🤮🤮🤮 I've got tattoos and piercings but I hate needles with a passion 😭 think I have roughly 10 more days left of wearing these itchy horrible stockings and these stinging injections..  On the plus side, I had my first relaxing bath today after 2 weeks, oh god it was lovely, I just lay there like a corpse whilst the tap was just filling the bath with hot water around me. I closed my eyes, my body didn't move and my mind just wandered off to god knows where. I felt calm and relaxed for the first time in god knows how long, it wasn't like my usual soak where my bath is filled with bubbles, thats due to the staples only just coming out so it was just nice clean warm water. I'd love be able b

Staples out, exactly 2 weeks since surgery and yet still can't have a bath.. the district nurse said leave it today just to let the holes where the staples have come out settle 🥺 I'm so desperate to soak in a nice warm bath. Heres a few photos from today 📸 ⚠️ Warning graphic content ⚠️ Excuse the swelling still 😳 

 🌞 Finally waking up to the sunshine, seeing the rain everyday whilst been in pain makes your days even more depressing, i was awake before 5am and the sun was shining through the curtains, i found myself lying there in a gaze just appreciating waking up to the sun. What a mood changer the sun is, everything seems better with the sun out. Even taking my handful of tablets every morning and the injection in my leg felt better today. Jesse-John watched as Zoe injected me this morning, he's the sweetest little boy ever, he said "don't hurt mummy babe" he's always called Zoe babe, not sure why but he's so cute. When i have pain walking he'll hold my hand and say "take it easy mummy, careful mummy", he melts my heart. I do hope my cancer hasn't spread because the thought of leaving my boys is heart breaking. Trying to stay positive is so hard with results hanging over your head but the suns out and the weather is starting to get warmer so happy d

 😣 When the phone rings and the screen tells you its the hospital,.. shit this is it, the results from the Lymph nodes that were taken, oh fuck here goes... NOPE!! A phone call to let me know the results still aren't back so it'll be next Tuesday now, would of been Monday but it's a god damn shitty bank holiday putting the most important news of my life on hold!! Just want scream!!!!!! My hormones are raging today, i've been a right bitch, i spoke to the cancer nurse and she confirmed.. Menopause.. fucking fantastic 👿  I've been angry to the point i've cried because i don't know why i'm so angry, this has been happening the past few days now. I'm eating like i'm having a period.. what is even going on in my body.. heads ready fall off today seriously 😫😫 Still taking pain killers but not as many as i was, still wearing the surgical stockings and Zoe is still injecting me everyday.. only another week or so left i'm hoping. Today can fuck of

 Clearly over done it by popping out yesterday but it was so worth it, absolutely loved seeing people i've not seen in ages, actually over half a year easily. Like i say im paying for it today, my stomach is aching like a bad period, so i plan on resting now and not leaving the house for a few days.. Todays the day my consultants look at my Lymph node results, my phone is by my side whilst i sit and wait for the results, i keep checking my phone to make sure i've not missed the call, i'm praying its today they ring, not sure how much longer they can make me wait.. It's my brothers 35th birthday so i'd love to get good news results, it would make his day and make up for the past couple of shit years myself and my family have been going through 🙌 Come on phone ring!!!!

 Couldn't take much more of not lying in a nice warm bubble bath, so Zoe helped me in the bath. I lay there as she shaved my legs and washed my hair.. it really is the little things you miss so much and we really do take for granted. Just been able to clean yourself has become an absolute task but Zoe has been the best partner ever through all of this. Cancer has made us closer than ever and stronger together 💓  So today not only have i had a lovely relaxing bath, Zoe's changed my dressing, clean stocking on, which let me add, the whole process has the pair of us in stitches.. literally 😂😂 I've been able dry my own hair and even colour my eye brows in.. like i say its the small things we take for granted. Anyways even though i can't stand up or walk for long, Zoe's taking me out for a carvery 🐷🐷 I can not wait to get out of this house, been stuck in through lockdown and now the operation, it's taken a toll on my mental health massively.. i need to get out o

So last night, i had to have a sleeping tablet, couldn't take any more of the insomnia, if you've ever suffered i feel for you and if you're luck enough that you don't know what insomnia is.... well, im jealous 😂  I can't even tell you how long i've suffered with insomnia for, it's been that long. If i get a full 3 hours sleep before i wake i'm thankful and i'm not even exaggerating.. The day i collected my dads ashes and brought them home, that evening i took a few boxes of prescribed sleeping tablets and took them all... let me explain though, after 19 months of watching Oesophageal cancer starve my dad to death, then arranging his funeral, sorting his housing and finances out to then attending my soul mate, my first love, my best friends funeral, when the time came to collect dad i just broke.. I had a mental breakdown and honestly thought i couldn't go on any more without him in my life. This resulted in me nearly dying, i was sedated and pu

Finally more energy, i stopped taking the Codeine about 4 days ago through my own choice, don't know if its just me but them things are vile, it's like you're not even in your own body, they make you sleep but it's like you're in and out of sleep and you've got no control over your own body.. it's a no from me! they made me feel so sick, still got the nausea but no where near as bad as when i was taking the Codeine. Can't even take the anti-sickness tablets that you shove up your cheek without them making me feel sick 😕 go figure... Anyway i've managed my pain by taking Paracetamol and Ibuprofen alternative every 2 hours 👊👊 Now it's day 7 im trying to ween myself off them too, well baby steps, i mean going 2 & halfs hours between the pain killers, nothing too hasty just yet but my dad always brought me up to only take tablets when its really needed or they'll not work as well when you do need them if you abuse them, so i've only ev

Where do I start.. I've not been able update until today, the nausea from just holding my phone is horrible, I've not even got the energy type on the laptop. The pain is unbearable, the amount of energy you use just to turn over on your side to get up for the toilet is sickening. Zoe has been amazing, from doing the housework, to feeding the boys to giving me a detol wash I can't thank her enough ❤ I came home with a catheter in which is now out, which means I've got train my bladder again because at the moment I just get pain when I need go the toilet.. life is exhausting 😪  I'm on iron tablets so my bloods must of shown I was low.. Back to the catheter.. you have to attend the early pregnancy unit to have it removed, this i found quiet bizarre seen as I've just had a full Hysterectomy done and you sit in a corridor where you can hear women talk about being pregnant, don't get me wrong I had no intention of having any more babies but that was my choice, th

Operation was done late Thursday afternoon, its now Saturday evening, not been able use my phone until now as just holding it was making me feel sick and dizzy, I'm still so tired but I feel better than I did yesterday.. I've walked twice now, only a few steps but its a start. The nausea is vile when I stand up or do anything so ill be glad when this passes.  I won't be home tomorrow but I'm hoping Monday 🙏 or Tuesday fingers crossed 🤞🏼 Now its another waiting game for the results from the Lymphnodes taken to see if the cancer has spread, a week on Monday the consultant will know, then they'll invite me in to discuss the results, oh well, what will be will be..  I will update my blog as much as I can anyway, it keeps my mind busy 💗

Well its 10.40am, I've had a breakdown twice already and broke my heart, especially when Jesse-John left for school 💔 I've got be at the hospital for 11.30am, my stomach feels like my throat has been cut 🤣 I'm starving, got to fast before the operation 😫 Heres hoping when they take the pelvic lymphnodes the results come back that the cancer hasn't spread 🤞🏼 I'll try and update my blog everyday but thats if I don't die on the operating table 😳 Its in the risks section on the forms 🤦🏼‍♀️ Anyway time to go, see you all soon 💞

Hospital tomorrow, my sleeping has been worse than ever the past few days, i've been stuck in doors isolating, the weathers been horrible.. This week has just been nothing but insomnia and worry about the surgery 😭 The hospital have been amazing ringing asking how i'm feeling a few times this week, double checking everything and trying ease my worries so i'm very thankful for that. I was up through the night last night like always but last night i had stomach ache, felt sick, it was horrible, it's got to be the nerves kicking in.. My bags all packed and ready, Zoe's made sure i've got everything i need, she's been amazing buying me things to take and getting the house all sanitized so i don't get any infections 💘  The thought of not seeing my kids from tomorrow morning until next week is killing me, i'm never away from them, especially Jesse-John.. he's like my right arm, my shadow, my little bestie, so it's going to be equally has hard for

I'm isolating but that won't take the smile off my face this morning, seeing how happy my youngest son is on his birthday. So thankful to be here for his birthday, my dad was Jesse-Johns side kick, devastated he's not here for his birthday but I'm sure he's here with him for his special day in spirit 💙  We love and miss you dad 💔 1 more day to go and then its operation day, let's hope they get all the cancer and its not spread to my lymph nodes 🤞🏼 Happy 5th birthday to my Jesse-John 💓 

Covid test all done at the hospital drive through, now I have to isolate until I go in for surgery Thursday 😭😭

😴  I can't even begin to describe how tired i've been just lately, the lack of energy i have is unreal, i started taking multivitamins and evening primrose oil capsules about 4 days ago. The consultant recommended taking the evening primrose due to having the Hysterectomy not sure what it does but i've started taking it anyway 😐 Anyway back to the constant fatigue & nausea but that comes on now and then everyday..  I feel like i'm constantly sleeping just lately, i've got no energy to play with Jesse-John, it's really getting me down, Is the fatigue normal??? I was tired alot before the diagnosis but i just put that down to not sleeping at night, but even then i didn't sleep through the day. I some how just managed to have the energy make it until bed time.. I'm hoping after the operation is done and the healing process is over i feel like the old me, energetic, fun and wanting do things again. Not only has lockdown put not just my life on hold but

Had the most relaxing day today, Jesse-John has been Alton Towers with Ted aka Damian.. (long story)😆 So Zoe and i have spent the day in bed eating McDonalds and i've had the longest nap ever, nearly 3 hours 😳 definitely needed because i really don't get much sleep at night. Feel like i could sleep for England but i'm guessing that's normal with that bastard cancer draining the life out of me!! Roll on Thursday, as much as im scared to death about having the surgery and the whole recovery process i'll be glad when my life is back to normal, what ever normal is? But i'd at least like some energy 🙌  Please 💓

I'm so fed up of feeling ill, i feel like all i do is moan about how sick i feel, i feel like i'm ruining everyone else's happiness by being ill. I feel like people have got to put their lives on hold to help me when i go into hospital. I'm missing out on seeing people and leaving the house because i'm constantly tired and always feel so sick. Life is so unfair!! Why me.. i can't do things i want do because of the nausea, cancer is a bastard !!!!! Maybe i'm just having one of those days where i just feel left out of people having fun, maybe tomorrow i'll have more energy?? But today i just want to get in bed and cry. I feel like i'm going be stuck in and not be able do things with my boys for the foreseeable future. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! I just want to scream!!!!!!!😭😭😭😭😭 

So close to the end of completing my Diploma in Hairdressing, but today I've had to say good bye to my friends and tutors 😢 I'm in hospital next Thursday for open surgery, not only am i having a hysterectomy but they're also taking pelvic Lymph nodes..   and its going to take weeks recover.. Nothing ever goes good in my life, I'm so fed up.. College has been amazing with everything from dad dying and now my own cancer battle and are giving me an extension to come back and complete my course when I'm better, I'm gutted that I won't be having my last day with the girls and completing my course with them 😢  I will get my course completed one way or another!! Cancer will not win this fight 👊🏼👊🏼👊🏼

Talk about fast moving, the hospital have rang to put my mind at ease to let me know the cancer has NOT spread!!! my mind has been on overdrive since i found out i had cancer and to be told his not spread from the cervix is a massive weight off my shoulders. Thankyou dad, i know this is you watching over me, making sure i don't leave my boys behind. I miss you so much dad 💔 Hospital tomorrow to see what the next step is to getting rid of the cancer i have. I can't even put into words of how i feel, i know i still have cancer but to know its not spread is amazing news to be able to tell my boys and i'm so thankful.  Feel like i've been given a warning in life to stop caring about my weight, about what people think of the way i dress, i feel like i'm getting a chance to be happy in life! Once the surgery is done and what ever treatment i need is all over its time to live life to the full!!!!!💖 Never again will i take things for granted, never will i sit and feel sad

😢😢  So after me saying about my busy week to try get the week go faster, i've been up all night with really bad back ache, doesn't matter which way i lay in bed its killing me! Of course i went straight to Google, wish i hadn't because all's i saw was advanced cervical cancer.. 💔 Not what you want be reading at half 6 in the morning!! Just wish i had the scan results now and get treatment started. I'm so scared thinking i'm going to die..

Now bank holiday Monday is nearly over, I've got a very productive week ahead. An extra day in college, a hair appointment, i moved todays driving lesson to after my hair appointment as i wasn't feeling too good today, so that's the next 4 days fully booked, the evenings are are busy in my house with 4 children so here's hoping the week goes fast so i get my results quicker to my scans and put me out of my misery to how much cancer i have and if its spread.. A week tomorrow and my youngest baby will be turning 5.. 5 already, its mad how fast the years fly by. In 12 days it will of been 6 months since my dad passed away, there's not a day where i've not thought about about him, it's killing me inside not seeing or hearing from him 😢 God i miss him more than anything 💔

So thats the MRI Scan & CT Scan all done which I'm glad about. Now is the worst part though, the agonising wait for the results to see where the cancer is, if its spread and how much there is 😢 I'm hoping the results come back quickly so we can start treatment and kick cancers arse!!  I will be literally holding my phone every minute of the day so I don't miss the call off the consultant, I've got no energy just lately, been spending alot of time in bed with my 4 year old jumping and climbing all over me 😒😂😂 8 days and he will be 5 years old... the years are flying by far too fast.

I've already brushed upon the not sleeping part of my life.. The sleeping has always been a problem but when dad was diagnosed terminal it became a hell of alot worse, constant worry that dad would die through the night and I wasn't there 😢 Id lie awake constantly thinking about the pain he must be in and how alone he must feel, I now i know first hand how alone he must of felt and how worried he must of been now I'm having the same feelings 💔  I know I've not been diagnosed terminal and I hope I never do, but hearing that you've got cancer sure does hit you hard. I keep hope in my heart my results aren't terminal 🙏🏼 I remember dad telling me he had terminal cancer and I remember dropping to the floor like id just been winded by a huge punch to the stomach, the exact same feeling happened when I was sat on my own and heard the words 'its been confirmed cancer'... Now at night not only can I not sleep because I miss dad more than anything, but now I t

'I was recently diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukaemia. Never in my life did I imagine that I'd ever have cancer. I always thought I'd eventually die from Alcoholism, an addiction I've fought with for many years. But that beast is dead and buried now thank God. But this really is a new, unpredictable challenge, knowing something inside your own body is trying to kill you! It really is a strange feeling. I guess this sums it up...Cancer... Imagine you're going about your day, minding your own business, when someone sneaks up behind you...  You feel something press up against the back of your head, as someone whispers in your ear.  "Sssshhhhh.... don't turn around. Just listen. I am holding a gun against the back of your head. I'm going to keep it there. I'm going to follow you around like this every day, for the rest of your life."  "I'm going to press a bit harder, every so often, just to remind you I'm here, but you need to