Deep! Very deep..

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June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

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The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
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March 11th Tuesday.

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I went to the spiritualist church last night in the hopes my son would come through but he didn't. Gutted. I was desperate to hear off him. My friends aunty came through and I'm happy for her. The medium didn't really go into any detail about the person it was things you could of said to anyone. I dunno, maybe if my son had come through maybe I would of believed in what she was saying. I've had another driving lesson this morning and I did way better. I'm glad because I was thinking of stopping, so I'm happy I did better. I'm getting the hang of the clutch now. I even reversed today. I've done some washing today and pegged it out but I think it's gone a bit cold. I've heard we've got snow coming, typical after the nice weather we've been having. Can't wait to get the school run done so I can get a bath and get in my pj's.  I can't wait go bed. I love being in bed.
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February 17th Monday.

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Yesterday when Jesse was with Damian I went to visit my mate Rachael and today I've been to visit my mum. I'm getting out of the house more which is good. I've got plans everyday this week which will be good. Jesse is going Alton Towers tomorrow for a sleep over with Damian so my sister is cooking me my tea. Wednesday I'm going my mates for dinner. Thursday I've booked Just Kidding with my friends from school, which will be nice for us all to meet up and then on Friday my brother visits. So this week won't be so bad. It does my mental health the world of good getting out of the house. I have anxiety but I push through. I've just got to keep pushing through and try to get better. I'm fine once I'm out of the house, it's when I'm stuck in my mind goes on overdrive.  It was 37 weeks yesterday since my son passed away, Sundays are a hard day but going to visit my friend took my mind off things. I know he will always be on my mind, but some days a...
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