Post Op, Day 5..

Where do I start.. I've not been able update until today, the nausea from just holding my phone is horrible, I've not even got the energy type on the laptop. The pain is unbearable, the amount of energy you use just to turn over on your side to get up for the toilet is sickening. Zoe has been amazing, from doing the housework, to feeding the boys to giving me a detol wash I can't thank her enough ❤

I came home with a catheter in which is now out, which means I've got train my bladder again because at the moment I just get pain when I need go the toilet.. life is exhausting 😪 

I'm on iron tablets so my bloods must of shown I was low..

Back to the catheter.. you have to attend the early pregnancy unit to have it removed, this i found quiet bizarre seen as I've just had a full Hysterectomy done and you sit in a corridor where you can hear women talk about being pregnant, don't get me wrong I had no intention of having any more babies but that was my choice, the choice got taken away from me regardless because of cancer!! That made me cry 😢 why I don't know because I new i wanted no more children but its the thought that it got taken completely out of my hands, that's what hurts the most. Oh well what's done is done now..

A friend of mine went through exactly the same as I'm going through now but last year & no amount of empathy could come close to thinking you know how someone is feeling, the emotions you go through until you go through this yourself, only now do I completely understand how she felt and the pain she was going through 💔 

The pain ive been in and I'm still going through is really unbearable, not just physically but emotionally. Not been able to stand up for long, walk without holding your staples in your stomach or more importantly being able to hug your children, heartbreaking doesn't come close to how it makes you feel.

My 5 year old puts his head to mine and kisses me, no big squeezes or lying relaxing with each other, I can't cook his favourite food or bake cakes with him which Zoe is doing as I write this blog 😢😢

I feel like I've aged 50 years and I can't see a happy ending at the moment with how poorly I feel 😭😭😭😭😭

Next step now is another agonising wait for the Lymphnodes results to see if the cancer has spread... 

If its spread I honestly how I feel at the moment can't face treatment, I watched how my dad deteriorated with treatment so would I even want it??