Sleeping tablets..

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So last night, i had to have a sleeping tablet, couldn't take any more of the insomnia, if you've ever suffered i feel for you and if you're luck enough that you don't know what insomnia is.... well, im jealous 😂 

I can't even tell you how long i've suffered with insomnia for, it's been that long. If i get a full 3 hours sleep before i wake i'm thankful and i'm not even exaggerating..

The day i collected my dads ashes and brought them home, that evening i took a few boxes of prescribed sleeping tablets and took them all... let me explain though, after 19 months of watching Oesophageal cancer starve my dad to death, then arranging his funeral, sorting his housing and finances out to then attending my soul mate, my first love, my best friends funeral, when the time came to collect dad i just broke.. I had a mental breakdown and honestly thought i couldn't go on any more without him in my life. This resulted in me nearly dying, i was sedated and put on breathing equipment. Thankfully i'm still here today to talk about how losing someone so important can destroy you inside, since that night i've not touched a sleeping tablet, not because i don't trust myself, because there are NO thoughts at all now about killing myself.

How i thought about that night i nearly died is that dad made sure i came back, i know how dad phrased his words and he would of said "stupid bitch, get back to them kids, they need you!!"

He was a man of few words that never sugar coated anything, explains my mouth really.. thanks dad 😆😆

That night i now know i'm not meant to die, so i'm just wondering why i've had cancer thrown at me to fight. Shit happens.. ( another of dads many short answers to questions i used to ask him) 😂

I can see i've slightly gone off track with talking about the sleeping tablets haha so basically last night i slept from 10pm ish, woke at 4.20am for pain killers then straight back sleep till 6am.

I NEEDED that sleep, my insides needed that sleep to help them repair and my mental health needed that sleep.

Even though i'm going through cancer, i feel like my mental health has become alot stronger, strange i know but its true.

💗💗💗


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