July 9th Thursday.

I didn't survive my dad and sons death, I died along with them. This is a new Ann-Louise, a sadder Ann-Louise. Im a deeper empath after their deaths. I tell people I love them so much more. Im more laid back, I dont care about things as much as I use to. I dont fear death, if anything I welcome it. Im trying my best to live this new life without my father and son, some days im doing ok and some days I drown in grief. Everyday im depressed. I think about my dad and son every single day. I hate taking all the medication im on, but I have no choice if I want to keep my head above water. I woke up this morning, brushed my teeth and then had bad anxiety about taking Jesse school, so I didn't wake him up. Hes got next week to do then he breaks up for the big holidays. He'll be going into year 6 in September. Last year of primary school, its crazy. Time goes so fast. I blink and life just passes me by. I dissociate alot. Im tired all the time. Im trying to find me in this new life im living. Losing my father and son has changed everything I once knew. Its rewired my brain. Its hard to explain. Im just a different person now. 4 and a half years sober too. Its hard being sober through the summer with everyone drinking alcohol around me, but im not about to ruin 4 and a half years of sobriety. Absolutely not! 

Day 3 on the Reta jab and I can say im not as hungry as I have been. Let's hope I lose some weight come next Tuesday when i weigh myself. Fingers crossed. Slow and steady.