July 29th Wednesday.

Went my sisters yesterday with my mum and all the kids. They all played in the hot tub. My mum made a lovely salad for dinner. I stayed about 5 hours, which is alot longer than I usually stay out of the house, so im proud of myself for pushing myself to interact longer. After my mum left, my brother came. It was a lovely day catching up with the family. 

This evening im going a friends to meet up with a few friends for a catch up. Can't be bothered really, my social battery is a bit low, but ill push myself to go. Ill have to wait for Jasper to come though so he can watch Jesse for me.

I feel a bit deflated. Not sure why. I miss my dad and son so much. I hate that ive got to carry on living without them. Ill never get to see my dad grow old or my son become a man. He was just a baby. 21 and 55 are no age to die. It kills me inside. I just need to live long enough to see my boys grow up, then im done. Im 42 now, I dont see myself here next year, but saying that ive thought the same every year for the past 6 years and im still here. It'll be 6 years in November for my dad, god knows how ive made it through the years. God sure is carrying me. I can't believe its been over 2 years since ive seen my son. Doesn't seem real some days that hes gone. Life's just shit. I wish things were different, but they're not and ive just got to keep going..