Cancer, Depression and Me.

How lovely has the weather been the past few days. Jesse went Trentham Gardens today with Damian so I went to see my friend for a few hours. Did me good getting out of the house. I'm going church in the morning. I just love being at church. Don't know what it is about being there but I feel like it's where I'm meant to be. At one with God. My mental health hasn't been too bad the past few days. I feel a bit better in myself. Jasper has come to spend the night with me so I've just ordered us some food. We always have a take away on a Saturday.  You know, my dad and my son are on my mind all throughout the day and at night. I'm forever thinking of them both. I was saying to my brother yesterday that it's nearly a year for Jay-Dee and it'll be 5 years this year since my dad passed away. Where has the time gone and how am I getting through each day? I'm going to a spiritualist event Monday night with 2 of my friends so that'll be interesting. I...

Had my 5th driving lesson yesterday and it went ok. I do think some times that driving isn't for me, but I'll carry on with the lessons and hopefully I'll soon be able to take my foot off the clutch slower. Thought about my dad and son alot today. I still find it hard to believe that they're gone forever. My heart aches. I've got my friends coming tonight, I really can't be bothered to see anyone but I'm trying to be more sociable. It's hard doing things when all you want to do is sleep. I know it'll do me good seeing them. Sleeping is my escape from the world. I'm forever going to ask myself why did my son kill himself. If only he hadn't mixed drugs at the rave he went. If only he'd of rang me that morning before he did it.  I'm forever going to ask why. I went to see my friends at the cafe this morning for an hour and I barely spoke.  I'm no fun to be around anymore. Death has changed me as a person. I'm constantly depressed...

Yesterday was a better day, I went Church in the morning.  I'm being baptised on Easter Sunday, I'm so excited but nervous at the same time. Sick of having anxiety! 2 of my friends came in the afternoon for a few hours so it kept me busy and then last night my TV broke. I could hear the TV but the screen wouldn't work so i had to order a new one that's coming today off Argos. So I'm currently sat in the living room with no TV.  I haven't taken Jesse school today as I was unsure of what time it was coming. I've had a text saying it will be here in between 1.15 and 3.15. Then I've got work out how set it all up. God help me. I'm not feeling to bad today. I've got another driving lesson tomorrow so that'll be good. I hope I start getting the hang of it. I'm fine, it's just I take my foot off the clutch too fast and stall the car. I keep telling myself that everyone started where I have and I'll be fine. It'll be my 5th lesson tom...

Had a bad few days, my son is on my mind alot. I feel so fed up and run down. I'm going church in the morning, I feel like I need to be there. I need to be with my church family. I always feel better when I've been church, so I'm hoping it helps me mentally.  I've not really done much these past few days. My brother visited yesterday, like he does every Friday. I was going go see my mum today but Jesse wanted a day on his computer so we didn't end up going. I've got my friends coming tomorrow afternoon when ive been church so that'll be nice to see them. Mentally I'm not in a good place. I just want life to get better, I've had enough of feeling the way I do.  If I didn't have my kids I'd be dead already. They're the only thing to keep me going. Makes me sad how depressed I am. I feel like death is the only way to end my suffering, but as I've said before, I can't leave my kids so I have no choice but to keep waking up everyday an...