Cancer, Depression and Me.

I ended up getting dressed and visiting my friend yesterday when Jesse went with Damian. I'm glad I did because it did me good to get out of the house. I see her through the week, then almost every Sunday. I regretted not going church yesterday, I missed it but I just wasn't in a good place mentally.  Feel so much better today, I've not done anything except washing, which is drying on the line because the sun is out. Makes you feel so much better when the sun is shining and you can peg washing out. You can tell I'm old. I've not long had a bath and washed my hair. I could cry at how much hair I lose when I wash it. I'm losing stupid amounts of hair, it's unreal! Fucking Menopause!! Had a meeting earlier at Jesse's school because of his attendance. I told them that my son passed away and that some days I just don't leave the house due to my anxiety. They were understanding. I do need to try and get him in school everyday. Some days are hard though. I...

43 weeks today since my son tragically passed away and it's Mother's Day. My first Mother's Day without my son. I feel deflated today. Had to force myself to get out of bed. I've not gone Church, I'm just not feeling life today.  The boys dad has had me the most loveliest cup made with my kids names on. I'll post a photo at the end of my blog. He's got me the most beautiful card. He's such a good man and an amazing dad. He's got me through some dark days. I appreciate him so much. I'm tired today, I'm tired of life. I know it's a bad day and tomorrow will be better. My first Mother's Day was bound to be hard not having one of my children here. I've got my other boys here, but Jasper's asleep. Jesse's on his computer but is going out with Damian later, and Jensen is in bed with a sickness bug. Bless his heart he's been throwing up all night. Jesse had the bug last weekend, I'm just hoping I don't end up with it....

So I went to see my mum yesterday,  spent a few hours with her and we had dinner together. It was nice. Getting out of the house really does me good. I gave her some flowers I'd brought, along with a new vase and a card and she was so happy, which made me feel happiness. There's not a better feeling than making someone smile. I've had my brother here all day today so my mind has been occupied. He's gone home now and I've got in my pj's ready to go bed. Can't wait to have a lie in, in the morning.  I hate the weekends. I struggle mentally because I don't leave the house. I keep thinking about doing stuff with Jesse but then my anxiety kicks in. I can't wait till I'm driving because we can go anywhere at any time.  How am I feeling today? I'm ok. I'm just ok. Still not thriving, just surviving, but one day I'm going to write about how happy I am. I'm determined to get better. I can't wait to feel happiness, I'm desperate to ...

Had my 8th driving lesson yesterday and I can finally see progress. My clutch control is getting alot better. I'm becoming more confident behind the wheel.  My friend came to visit me last night, we had a good catch up and a few cups of tea. I never feel like seeing anyone, but then I'm happy when I do. I struggle with socialising because I don't really talk alot anymore. My friends do the majority of the talking and I put a fake smile on my face and join in with conversation as much as I can. I don't know why I don't talk much anymore, well I do, it's because the only thing I want to talk about is my son, so it's easier to just stay quiet.  I've not felt too bad the past couple of days, mentally speaking. It does me good seeing my friends. I see a group of friends every morning in the cafe. Like I say, I don't talk much, but I'm trying. I'm trying to socialise more because I know it does me good. I'm just tired all the time, probably why...

At half 12 last night Jesse decided to throw up all over my bed. He's not been able to go school today which means I've been stuck in all day, which is not good for the mental health.  I've been sat thinking about the morning my son died and the police showed up at my door to notify me. Having to tell Jay-Dees dad that his son had passed away.  Basically, I've been reliving that day my son tragically passed away. It's a nightmare I'm desperate to wake up from. I ask myself, am I asleep. Will I wake up from this nightmare?  I know it's because I've been stuck in the house.  Jesse was only sick the once so I think he might of eaten too much and that's why he's unwell. He's going back school tomorrow because I have a driving lesson booked. I'll be glad do the school run and go the cafe see my friends.  I hate being in the house and I think it's because I have my dad's and sons ashes here. I could never bring myself to scatter their a...

Well you can tell I've got EUPD because today I feel so much better. I've been to church this morning and let me tell you, what a difference it makes to my mental health. It works wonders. I absolutely love going to church. It's my favourite thing to do on a Sunday morning. I've just ordered 2 shirts for my baptism. 1 for when I get in the water and 1 to wear after. I'll post pics when they arrive. My friend has been for a couple of hours, so we've had a good chat and now I've just got into my pj's. Today has been a better day. If my mind is occupied I'm ok, it's when I'm sat on my own my mind goes on overdrive. I guess that's like anyone else really. I do have to remind myself that I'm not alone with the way I feel and I'm sure there's others grieving like I am. I hate how bipolar my mental health is. One minute I can be fine and the next I want to kill myself. It's hard work, but one thing I do now is I tell myself that ...

I always struggle with living at the weekend I've noticed. I'm having a bad day mentally. Saturday was the last time I saw my son. The last message I sent him saying I love you and stay safe and then he was gone forever. I'm trying my hardest to get better and then I have days like today. I'm always going to have these days aren't I?  I've just had to force myself to get a bath and wash my hair. The amount of hair I've just lost is unreal. I've got a face full of spots and I'm fat. I feel run down today. I've got nothing in me, I feel drained. Depression is hard and then add grief into the mix and it's torture.  I keep thinking about joining a dating website, my friend is on it and she's always chatting to someone but I don't think I've got it in me just yet to sit chatting to anyone. I'd like to be with someone I'm just not sure if I'm ready mentally. I think I need to get better first and love myself before I can lov...

Damian collected Jesse this morning to go stay in the caravan until tomorrow, so today I went to visit my mum but before I went, I walked Asda and brought her a bunch of flowers. Not for any reason, I just wanted to make her smile and that made me smile. I don't see my mum as much as I'd like to, so today was nice. She made dinner for us both. I had a really nice afternoon with her. She wants to move closer to because she doesn't live close to anyone, which is why I only see her a couple of times a month.  The taxi driver on the way to my mums has known me for years and I've not seen him for a while, he asked about my kids and then I had to tell him that my first born son had passed away. It was a hard conversation to have but I got through it. It will happen again at some point and ive just got to be strong. When I left mum's I then went my mates house for a catch up and a few cups of tea. Today has been a good day mentally, thank you Jesus. I've got Jasper wit...

Well the Slimfast diet didn't last, I'm shit at dieting. I just enjoy eating what can I say. Mentally I'm not doing to bad today. It's been a long day though. Had a driving lesson this morning and I can see my improvement every week. I nearly gave up a few weeks ago but glad I didn't. I had a bath after the school run and got into my pj's. I love being in my pj's, I love bed time. I've made sausage and cheese baguettes for tea and they were lovely. Jasper's coming to sleep tonight so that'll be nice. I love having my kids around me. All I think about all day long is my son in heaven, some days it just doesn't seem real what's happened. I was thinking last night, this April will be 4 years since I had cancer. If I didn't go for my smears I wouldn't be here now. So ladies make sure you go for your cervical screening! Doesn't feel like 4 years ago, it's crazy how fast the time goes. I have a massive scar going up my stomach w...

Last night I was lying in bed with Jesse and he was crying saying he misses his grandad and Jay-Dee. I put my arms around him to comfort him, even though I knew how he was feeling, I didn't let it show. I just told him I miss them too. Then he said 'I don't know what I'd do without you' and my heart sank. I reassured him that I wasn't going anywhere. It made me think, doesn't matter how bad my days are, my children really do need me so I have no choice but to carry on. For an 8 year old to say he wouldn't know what do without me, really hit home. Kinda knocked some sense into me. I can't let the intrusive thoughts win, I have to keep fighting my demons. I don't have a choice but to live. My kids would be heartbroken if I was to die and I can't leave them. Just got to get up everyday and be the best that I can. I've got to show up and be strong for them. Regardless of how I'm feeling, I've got to carry on. This morning I've bee...

I ask myself everyday, why can't I just die in my sleep? Then I tell myself that God has a plan for me, there's got to be a reason I'm still alive. I know my kids need me, but surely something good has got to happen in my life. I deserve happiness don't I? I've been through so much in such a short space of time. I'm still trying to process it all.  My strength to carry on everyday is from my children. I think about suicide, then it dawns on me how devastated my kids would be. I have to remind myself that they need me. But I'm not living, I'm just surviving. I feel that it's cruel that I should have to stay alive. I'd love it if my kids said to me, mum we can see you're tired and you've had enough, you can go now. But that's never going to happen is it, so I have to show up everyday. God I miss my son and dad so much. Life's hard you know. Living is hard work when you're grieving and depressed.  Everyday is a battle.  I see my ...

I was just sat with sons urn thinking, In 3 months it will be a year for my son and in November it will be 5 years for my dad. Honestly, I don't know how I'm getting through each day. My heart aches for them both. My life is like a blur, I wake up everyday and can't wait to go back bed to escape the world. Every second of everyday my dad and my son are on my mind. I ask myself why everyday. Why take my son and my dad from me. Why me? I'm feeling low today. I wish I could turn back the clock and have them both with me again, but I know I can't and that's something I've got to try and live with. There's a massive hole in my heart that death has left me with. It'll never be filled, I'll never feel whole again. I'm empty inside. Grief is torture. Losing my father was bad, but to lose a child kills me inside. Life was never meant to be this way. On this road of grief that I'm on, I seem to have lost myself along the way. I'm a shell of a p...

I went to the spiritualist church last night in the hopes my son would come through but he didn't. Gutted. I was desperate to hear off him. My friends aunty came through and I'm happy for her. The medium didn't really go into any detail about the person it was things you could of said to anyone. I dunno, maybe if my son had come through maybe I would of believed in what she was saying. I've had another driving lesson this morning and I did way better. I'm glad because I was thinking of stopping, so I'm happy I did better. I'm getting the hang of the clutch now. I even reversed today. I've done some washing today and pegged it out but I think it's gone a bit cold. I've heard we've got snow coming, typical after the nice weather we've been having. Can't wait to get the school run done so I can get a bath and get in my pj's.  I can't wait go bed. I love being in bed.

Its been 40 weeks today since my son tragically passed away. 40 weeks of heartache.  How have I got through 40 weeks without my child? Prayer is what gets me through. I pray daily for strength.  I went to Church this morning. It did me good being around my church family. My heart aches today for my child.  It's hard to describe how I feel inside. I miss my dad and my son more than anything in the world. I'm so grateful for my other children because they're are what get me through each day. How has it been 40 weeks already, where have them days gone? It's like I just drift through life. Everyone is moving on with their lives and I'm stuck in grief. The sun is shining today but I feel grey. I feel like there's a rain cloud above me, just hanging over my head. The pain from losing a child is unbearable. Even when I'm smiling, I'm sad inside. I'm sad everyday, even on my better days, I'm filled with a sadness.  Jesse has been with Damian all day and ...

How lovely has the weather been the past few days. Jesse went Trentham Gardens today with Damian so I went to see my friend for a few hours. Did me good getting out of the house. I'm going church in the morning. I just love being at church. Don't know what it is about being there but I feel like it's where I'm meant to be. At one with God. My mental health hasn't been too bad the past few days. I feel a bit better in myself. Jasper has come to spend the night with me so I've just ordered us some food. We always have a take away on a Saturday.  You know, my dad and my son are on my mind all throughout the day and at night. I'm forever thinking of them both. I was saying to my brother yesterday that it's nearly a year for Jay-Dee and it'll be 5 years this year since my dad passed away. Where has the time gone and how am I getting through each day? I'm going to a spiritualist event Monday night with 2 of my friends so that'll be interesting. I...

Had my 5th driving lesson yesterday and it went ok. I do think some times that driving isn't for me, but I'll carry on with the lessons and hopefully I'll soon be able to take my foot off the clutch slower. Thought about my dad and son alot today. I still find it hard to believe that they're gone forever. My heart aches. I've got my friends coming tonight, I really can't be bothered to see anyone but I'm trying to be more sociable. It's hard doing things when all you want to do is sleep. I know it'll do me good seeing them. Sleeping is my escape from the world. I'm forever going to ask myself why did my son kill himself. If only he hadn't mixed drugs at the rave he went. If only he'd of rang me that morning before he did it.  I'm forever going to ask why. I went to see my friends at the cafe this morning for an hour and I barely spoke.  I'm no fun to be around anymore. Death has changed me as a person. I'm constantly depressed...

Yesterday was a better day, I went Church in the morning.  I'm being baptised on Easter Sunday, I'm so excited but nervous at the same time. Sick of having anxiety! 2 of my friends came in the afternoon for a few hours so it kept me busy and then last night my TV broke. I could hear the TV but the screen wouldn't work so i had to order a new one that's coming today off Argos. So I'm currently sat in the living room with no TV.  I haven't taken Jesse school today as I was unsure of what time it was coming. I've had a text saying it will be here in between 1.15 and 3.15. Then I've got work out how set it all up. God help me. I'm not feeling to bad today. I've got another driving lesson tomorrow so that'll be good. I hope I start getting the hang of it. I'm fine, it's just I take my foot off the clutch too fast and stall the car. I keep telling myself that everyone started where I have and I'll be fine. It'll be my 5th lesson tom...

Had a bad few days, my son is on my mind alot. I feel so fed up and run down. I'm going church in the morning, I feel like I need to be there. I need to be with my church family. I always feel better when I've been church, so I'm hoping it helps me mentally.  I've not really done much these past few days. My brother visited yesterday, like he does every Friday. I was going go see my mum today but Jesse wanted a day on his computer so we didn't end up going. I've got my friends coming tomorrow afternoon when ive been church so that'll be nice to see them. Mentally I'm not in a good place. I just want life to get better, I've had enough of feeling the way I do.  If I didn't have my kids I'd be dead already. They're the only thing to keep me going. Makes me sad how depressed I am. I feel like death is the only way to end my suffering, but as I've said before, I can't leave my kids so I have no choice but to keep waking up everyday an...