March 22nd Saturday.

I always struggle with living at the weekend I've noticed. I'm having a bad day mentally. Saturday was the last time I saw my son. The last message I sent him saying I love you and stay safe and then he was gone forever. I'm trying my hardest to get better and then I have days like today.

I'm always going to have these days aren't I? 

I've just had to force myself to get a bath and wash my hair. The amount of hair I've just lost is unreal. I've got a face full of spots and I'm fat. I feel run down today. I've got nothing in me, I feel drained.

Depression is hard and then add grief into the mix and it's torture. 

I keep thinking about joining a dating website, my friend is on it and she's always chatting to someone but I don't think I've got it in me just yet to sit chatting to anyone. I'd like to be with someone I'm just not sure if I'm ready mentally. I think I need to get better first and love myself before I can love anyone else. If I'm honest, a friend with benefits would be perfect at the moment. 

I've got no plans for today, I've bathed and got back into fresh pj's. I'm not feeling life today. It's sad but I wish I was dead already. I'm so tired of having good days then the bad days hit me like a brick. Life is hard work.

42 weeks tomorrow since my son passed away and it's not getting any easier.

I plan on going church tomorrow morning, I always feel better when I've seen my church family, and then my friend is coming in the afternoon. 

These bad days I have really get me down, I have to remind myself that tomorrow will be better.