March 24th Monday.

At half 12 last night Jesse decided to throw up all over my bed. He's not been able to go school today which means I've been stuck in all day, which is not good for the mental health. 

I've been sat thinking about the morning my son died and the police showed up at my door to notify me. Having to tell Jay-Dees dad that his son had passed away. 

Basically, I've been reliving that day my son tragically passed away. It's a nightmare I'm desperate to wake up from.

I ask myself, am I asleep. Will I wake up from this nightmare? 

I know it's because I've been stuck in the house. 

Jesse was only sick the once so I think he might of eaten too much and that's why he's unwell. He's going back school tomorrow because I have a driving lesson booked.

I'll be glad do the school run and go the cafe see my friends. 

I hate being in the house and I think it's because I have my dad's and sons ashes here. I could never bring myself to scatter their ashes. I get some comfort having them both at home with me but it does depress me at the same time.

They should still be here, life is so unfair. 

Mental health is shit today but tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better because my mind will be occupied.

Days like today are going to happen all the time and that makes me sad to think.

Oh how I wish things were different,  how I wish I could turn back the clock.

I miss my dad and son so much, its unbearable some times. 

It's 20 to 4 and I already can't wait to get back into bed. 

My dad was in my dream last night, it's been a while since he visited me. I can't remember the dream but I remember seeing my dad. I hope everyday that my son will visit me one night, but I'm still waiting. How I long to see him when I sleep.

I think that's why I love being asleep so much, because occasionally I get to see my dad. I hope everyday to see them both whilst I sleep.

Even though I'm feeling sad, it makes me happy that I've been able to peg my bedding outside and some towels. The sun is shinning and my washing is dry.

Enjoy the rest of your Monday.