March 9th Sunday.

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Its been 40 weeks today since my son tragically passed away. 40 weeks of heartache. 
How have I got through 40 weeks without my child?
Prayer is what gets me through. I pray daily for strength. 
I went to Church this morning. It did me good being around my church family.
My heart aches today for my child. 
It's hard to describe how I feel inside.
I miss my dad and my son more than anything in the world. I'm so grateful for my other children because they're are what get me through each day.
How has it been 40 weeks already, where have them days gone? It's like I just drift through life. Everyone is moving on with their lives and I'm stuck in grief.
The sun is shining today but I feel grey. I feel like there's a rain cloud above me, just hanging over my head.
The pain from losing a child is unbearable. Even when I'm smiling, I'm sad inside. I'm sad everyday, even on my better days, I'm filled with a sadness. 
Jesse has been with Damian all day and I'm just sat on my own thinking about my dad and my son. 
Why has this happened to me? Why take my father and my child away from me?
Why did I have cancer?
Am I being punished for the life I was living? I should of done more. But what more could i of done? I beat myself up daily. Life was never meant to be this way.
Cancel cruelly took my father away. I watched for 19 months as esophageal cancer starved my father to death. It kills me inside.
I never got to say goodbye to my child and that kills me too.
Today is a bad day mentally, but I always struggle on a Sunday. Both my dad and son died on a Sunday.
Back to the school run tomorrow, which will do me good and then I'm going the spiritualist night tomorrow night.
Some days I think I'm getting better and then there's days like today where I wish I was dead. 
Let's hope tomorrow is a better day 🙏🏼 

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