March 14th Friday.

I ask myself everyday, why can't I just die in my sleep?

Then I tell myself that God has a plan for me, there's got to be a reason I'm still alive. I know my kids need me, but surely something good has got to happen in my life.

I deserve happiness don't I?

I've been through so much in such a short space of time. I'm still trying to process it all. 

My strength to carry on everyday is from my children. I think about suicide, then it dawns on me how devastated my kids would be. I have to remind myself that they need me.

But I'm not living, I'm just surviving. I feel that it's cruel that I should have to stay alive. I'd love it if my kids said to me, mum we can see you're tired and you've had enough, you can go now.

But that's never going to happen is it, so I have to show up everyday.

God I miss my son and dad so much. Life's hard you know. Living is hard work when you're grieving and depressed. 

Everyday is a battle. 

I see my friends every morning at the cafe and I barely speak. I'll smile and all the while I'm dying inside. It's just that know one can see it.

It's crazy what a smile can hide.

It's only you who reads my blogs that know the depth of my sadness.

Blogging gets everything out of my system and I usually feel a bit better after I've typed all my feelings out.

I've said it before, one day I'm going write a happy blog. Not today and probably not tomorrow,  but one day I will.

I'm a fighter and I refuse to quit. 

My kids need their mum and that's what keeps me waking up everyday.

I have to force myself every morning to get out of bed. There's nothing more I'd love than to lie in bed all day and night and escape the world. 

I'm still sober by the way, you know I dream some times about drinking. About breaking my sobriety, it's weird.

I do miss drinking some times but I have to remind myself of how low it makes me feel and when you're already depressed, alcohol isn't a good combination. 

I don't think I'll ever drink again. I've come to far to give in. I'm 3 years 3 months sober and you know what, I'm so proud of myself and my kids are proud of me too.

God I'm so depressed.

I'm going to write one day of what I have overcome and hopefully it will help others who feel the way I feel.