March 20th Thursday.

-
Damian collected Jesse this morning to go stay in the caravan until tomorrow, so today I went to visit my mum but before I went, I walked Asda and brought her a bunch of flowers. Not for any reason, I just wanted to make her smile and that made me smile. I don't see my mum as much as I'd like to, so today was nice. She made dinner for us both. I had a really nice afternoon with her. She wants to move closer to because she doesn't live close to anyone, which is why I only see her a couple of times a month. 
The taxi driver on the way to my mums has known me for years and I've not seen him for a while, he asked about my kids and then I had to tell him that my first born son had passed away. It was a hard conversation to have but I got through it. It will happen again at some point and ive just got to be strong.
When I left mum's I then went my mates house for a catch up and a few cups of tea.
Today has been a good day mentally, thank you Jesus.
I've got Jasper with me so we've just ordered pizza for tea and then I'm going bed.
Feels weird not having Jesse here for the night. I miss him but I know he'll be having the best time.
My heart aches all the time but I'm learning to live with the ache, I feel constantly. I've got to try and live my life. Even though there's a gapping hole in my heart, I know I've got to be strong. My kids need their mum and that's why I wake up everyday.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

-
The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
Read more

June 3rd 2024 The Morning After.

-
The tears keep coming, I am absoloutely distrought. I feel like I have failed as a mother. I feel beyond heartbroken, I just want my boy home. Ive self harmed, ive not self harmed for over half a year, ive been trying so hard to get better and now im scared im going to kill myself. My 21 year old son took his own life yesterday morning. How as a mother do you deal with the death of a child? Where do you find the strenght to continue living when all you want to do is die? I cant leave my other 3 children behind but depression doesnt care if youve got children. Im worried that I will end up dead. The depression will become to hard to deal with and I will kill myself regardless of whether its the right thing to do or not. Im praying my dad was there to meet my son and they are together in heaven looking down on us all. Im back in that dark hole I fought so hard to get out of. I was starting to see some light and now my world has gone dark again. I cant imagine a life without my 4 boys an...
Read more

June 2nd 2024 My First Born Son Passed Away 💔🕊

-
My first born beautiful boy passed away today, I am absoloutely devastated. Im struggling to come to terms with the death of my father, im hanging on by a thread and then my son passes away. My son died today, my baby boy died and I dont know how to live a life without him. I dont want to live a life without him!!! When will my nightmare of a life end? How do I carry on when all I want to do is die? My son was 21 years old, his name is Jay-Dee Colclough. I just want to sceam and rip my hair out, I want to die. I cant die can I, I have 3 other children that need me. I know one day im going to die.Im sat telling myself that my other boys need me but I feel like my body just wants to give up. Im tired now of fighting depression. I am so fucking tired. How do you carry on living when a piece of you has just passed away, someone tell me how I carry on living without my son..
Read more