March 30th Sunday.

43 weeks today since my son tragically passed away and it's Mother's Day. My first Mother's Day without my son. I feel deflated today. Had to force myself to get out of bed. I've not gone Church, I'm just not feeling life today. 

The boys dad has had me the most loveliest cup made with my kids names on. I'll post a photo at the end of my blog. He's got me the most beautiful card. He's such a good man and an amazing dad.

He's got me through some dark days. I appreciate him so much.

I'm tired today, I'm tired of life.

I know it's a bad day and tomorrow will be better. My first Mother's Day was bound to be hard not having one of my children here.

I've got my other boys here, but Jasper's asleep. Jesse's on his computer but is going out with Damian later, and Jensen is in bed with a sickness bug. Bless his heart he's been throwing up all night. Jesse had the bug last weekend, I'm just hoping I don't end up with it. I hate being ill.

I don't feel like doing anything today, my friend has invited me hers but I'm just not feeling life. I'm tired all the time and I take multivitamins every day. I think it's the depression. 

Will I always be depressed? I've been depressed for the majority of my life, it goes way back to my teens. How I'm not dead already ill never know. I never thought I'd reach 41 years of age. I'm clearly made of strong stuff.

I purely exist for my kids. Without them I'm not me.