March 5th Wednesday.

Had my 5th driving lesson yesterday and it went ok. I do think some times that driving isn't for me, but I'll carry on with the lessons and hopefully I'll soon be able to take my foot off the clutch slower.

Thought about my dad and son alot today. I still find it hard to believe that they're gone forever. My heart aches.

I've got my friends coming tonight, I really can't be bothered to see anyone but I'm trying to be more sociable. It's hard doing things when all you want to do is sleep.

I know it'll do me good seeing them.

Sleeping is my escape from the world.

I'm forever going to ask myself why did my son kill himself. If only he hadn't mixed drugs at the rave he went. If only he'd of rang me that morning before he did it. 

I'm forever going to ask why.

I went to see my friends at the cafe this morning for an hour and I barely spoke. 

I'm no fun to be around anymore. Death has changed me as a person. I'm constantly depressed and sad.

Let's talk about my sobriety. 

I'm still sober, don't worry, but the past few days all I've thought about is drinking. I'm craving a Jack Daniels and diet coke or maybe a glass of white wine. Being sober isn't easy at all. People thought after the death of my son that I'd start drinking again, but I haven't. How I've stayed sober I will never know, but I have and I will remain sober for as long as I can. It's just that some days are harder than others. I'm always going to have the odd where I crave it, but the main thing is, is that I don't cave and give into the cravings.

The weeks seem to be passing me by. We're on Wednesday already and I don't know how I'm making it through each day. It's like I just drift by if that makes sense?

I'm not thriving yet, but I hope one day I am. I hope one day I write a blog about how happy I am. I girl can dream, right?

Anyway, have a blessed Wednesday what ever you're doing.