March 28th Friday.

So I went to see my mum yesterday,  spent a few hours with her and we had dinner together. It was nice.

Getting out of the house really does me good. I gave her some flowers I'd brought, along with a new vase and a card and she was so happy, which made me feel happiness. There's not a better feeling than making someone smile.

I've had my brother here all day today so my mind has been occupied. He's gone home now and I've got in my pj's ready to go bed.

Can't wait to have a lie in, in the morning. 

I hate the weekends. I struggle mentally because I don't leave the house. I keep thinking about doing stuff with Jesse but then my anxiety kicks in.

I can't wait till I'm driving because we can go anywhere at any time. 

How am I feeling today? I'm ok. I'm just ok.

Still not thriving, just surviving, but one day I'm going to write about how happy I am. I'm determined to get better.

I can't wait to feel happiness, I'm desperate to feel it. Or is this me for the rest of my life now? I know ill be grieving forever but surely I'll feel some happiness along the way?

I'm hoping to go church Sunday, I try go most Sundays. I just love being there.

I always think to myself, God clearly has a plan for me and that's why I'm still here.

One day I'll tell my story of everything I've overcome and it'll help others.

I've suffered with depression for many years. Years and years in fact, but I'm still here and I just don't know why. I just know that God has a plan.

The weather has started to warm up and I wore a tshirt today without my hoody and my left arm is a complete mess from the self harm I've done over the years. It's so sad to see but it reminds me how far I've come in life. I've not self harmed since the death of my son and I'm proud of myself.

Self harming was a coping mechanism, it took the pain away but only for a short time and unfortunately I'm left with an arm full of scars. But like I said, it's a reminder of how far I've come in life.

I'm doing better than I was because I'm trying my best with life. I know some days will be harder than others and unfortunately that will probably be the case for the rest of my life.

I can't put into words how much I miss my son and my dad. Life's hard without them here. I go to sleep at night praying they visit me in my dreams. My dad has a few times but I'm desperate to see my son.

Life's cruel, but I've got to carry on regardless of whether I want to or not.