Cancer, Depression and Me.

You ever sat looking in the mirror or like me, looking into a gold band that was my dads I wear, waiting to see his face in it sitting next to me.. Have you ever longed to see someones face that has passed away so bad that it hurts, if not then count yourself lucky, if like me you are struggling with griefe then I feel for you because its the worst thing ever. I have my dads face in photos or on canvas all around my house and still I get no comfort, if anything its harder to look at knowing ill never see him again. I'd never move them, if anything ill buy more because I just long to see his face again. My blog was meant to be helping others go through what I've gone through, dad dying and my cancer but I've realised my blog has been more of a diary for me to write down how I feel about my dads passing, me having cancer is nothing compared to losing my dad.  I feel like I'm dealing with my feelings better about losing dad by writing my blog, I can imagine people reading ...

So I had a dream about the number 2033.. strange I know, it was a combination to a safe. So after scrolling the Internet which didn't help at first I ended up reading about angel numbers, its so weird that you only remember certain dreams and when you research them, they really do mean so much about your life right now. I believe that the dreams I have, the ones I remember the next day are meant for me to remember. Like guidance for me through dreams. Its weird how my dreams describe my life but at the time the dreams are really weird but as I say, once you Google and look into them, you see its exactly what you go through.  2033.. Positive changes coming, confirmation of the goodness of my heart, new beginnings in some area of my life, I will have spiritual awakenings, it says that it shows i always have angels by my side on the life path I have chosen. These are just a few of things this number means, there's so much more to the number 2033. So glad I remember such important ...

 6 weeks today post op.. Been the doctors, i'm booked in for blood tests and i've been swabbed to see if there's an infection.. She did say i may of pulled my insides, which would make sense seen as i've been hoovering etc, you forget that because you're feeling better on the outside, that your insides are still trying to heel. Feel like i was moving forward health wise and now i feel like i've taken a few steps back, what can you do though when you're a mum to 2 budgies that make a god damn mess everyday with their food and feathers arrgghhhhh fucking birds!! I feel sick as a dog today, zero energy as per usual and just filling up on cold coffee, it's funny that when i was pregnant with my first child who will be 19 this year i went off coffee for at least 17 years and now i've become obsessed with cold ice coffee.. strange.. if you've not tried it, you've not lived. Order a Frappuccino from StarBucks you will not be disappointed 😁😁    Don...

Doctors appointment tomorrow, the right side of my stomach is in pain and the pain is like a burning pain.. if that makes sense 🤔 I've had it a few days now and its making even walking uncomfortable.  Maybe I've done to much too soon, its just over 5 weeks since my operation and I just want to feel normal again, I'm sick of being restricted, I can't bend over still, I have to put my covers under my swollen stomach at night just so I can lie comfortably on my side.  I'm craving ice which is weird, but it must mean my body needs something, my iron tablets have been increased and yet I feel no better, my energy levels are still the same and all I keep thinking is, when I was told the cancer could come back, I mean how is that possible after everything they took out of me?!?? Cancer really does suck!!!! I'm all over the place when it comes to mood swings... this im blaming the menopause for, its shit, 1 minute I can hate someone and be horrible to them and the next...

So yesterday was fathers day, I was going write on here last night but I felt so drained, it was my first father's day without dad being here. I would of usually had cards and gifts ready for him and we'd go out for drinks together, yesterday was hard.. cant put into words how hard life is without dad, everyday is a battle to be happy. I know he wouldn't want me being sad and he'd be saying his famous quote 'shit happens' but this shit shouldn't of happened. He was too young to leave me, 55 years of age he was in his prime, loving life, he loved going work, he loved his kids and grandkids. Life is cruel!! I'd do anything to see him again or just hear his voice, I just hope he knows how proud I am of him how he tried his best to fight a cancer that had already started to slowly kill him, I hope he knows how I cry because its so hard without him, I hope he knows how much I love him and I always will 💔 I miss you so much dad, wait for me 💜

All My Life..  the movie ive just watched on Sky Cinema, why do I watch these movies that break my heart, just brings back memories of how fast dad deteriorated & at the same time made me feel thankful that I'm still here and that we really do have to Carpe Diem, seize the day, live like its your last because the truth is you never know what tomorrow holds for us. Its sad but true, who knows if today could be our last. Just when I think I'm having a good day, my head spirals out of control with emotions.. Well I've had a cry lying in bed, now time to give my head a wobble and get back to reality of life ✌🏼 Enjoy the rest of your day,  who ever still reads my posts & remember you ARE loved ❤ 

For the past few days I've not felt myself, constantly tired even though my iron tablets have been increased, I take multivitamins everyday but yet I'm lacking energy, I do the school run every morning then crawl back into bed. Its been 5 weeks today since surgery and my stomach is in pain on the right hand side, it has been a few days now. I've been doing too much so I think I may of pulled something, it feels like I've torn skin if that makes any sense. I had a cry yesterday whilst sat on my own looking at a photo of dad that a filter makes the person sort of come alive, his eyes moved and his mouth smiled, I can't stop watching it. I smile and cry at the same time. Time isn't a healer, its been 7 months and I'm just as heartbroken as I was the day of dads passing 💔  I still feel deflated about having cancer, I'm not the person I was before, I can't even bend down or wear underwear without feeling pain. I feel so fed up and I've got zero motiv...

So we're nearly at the end of Monday, I've pulled the inside of my stomach from doing everything I'm not meant be doing but when you're a mum its your job to get shit done, so I spent most of the day lying on the settee not just because of the pain but because I don't sleep well at night so I'm always tired. My iron tablets have been increased and I've drank loads of coffee to get me through the day.. this resulted in me taking a Zopiclone about 5 minutes ago (20.15pm)  just to hopefully get a few hours sleep tonight 😴  I've started calorie counting today.. well it is Monday after all (diet day) 😒 I hate the way I look, this massive scar going up my stomach isn't helping at all and I just feel fat!!!!  Feel like I've got so much spinning around in my head its horrible 😫  Fingers crossed the zoppi kicks in soon and I can hope for a good 4 hours before I wake up to the same shit day in day out.. as you can tell positive Monday went out the windo...

This new me, fresh start bollox is hard when you're head is complete mess..  Its Monday tomorrow, it really is time to get my head out of my depressed arse.  Tomorrow is the day I sort myself out. Why not start now I can hear you saying? ? Know one starts anything on a Sunday, everybody knows that & Monday is the start of a new week and a chapter of my life 💛 Have a blessed day, everyone of you 💜

Funny how after hearing amazing news yesterday how your whole mood can change, I woke up feeling like a new woman, headstrong and just overall happy. I sat my 5 year old down and explained that remember how mummy's been poorly with her stomach.. yes, he said.. I said well when mummy went in hospital and they tried make mummy's belly better, it worked. I explained that I've not got to leave him again and be poorly in hospital, I said my belly is getting better and the doctors have fixed it so i won't be poorly any more. His face lit up and my heart melted, been able to tell my boys such amazing news I feel beyond blessed 🙌  Jesse said he wants me tell his teacher in the morning that I'm getting better and I've not got go hospital again. This will sound really strange and as much as I'm so happy about the cancer been gone, something inside me feels bad that my dad died of cancer and how much I wanted to see him. I know its not my time to go and I know eventua...

 5 lymph nodes taken from one side, 14 taken from the other & there's NO CANCER or PRE CANCEROUS CELLS 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜 I've got an appointment next month and then every 3 months to be examined to keep check that, that little bastard cancer doesn't come back, but for now I AM CANCER FREE!!!! Broke my heart when my cancer nurse told me, emotions are all over the place, from planning my own funeral in my head to over thinking everything that could go wrong, i think it's all just built up and come out in tears. I'm so happy, at least now i can focus on my children and our future 💝 I think going through dads cancer with him until the end i just thought the worst about the whole situation, i miss my dad so much but i know he's been with me through everything and always will be and he knew it wasn't my time to leave my boys. I feel so emotional, but happy emotions. Now to focus on recovering from the surgery and doing what i promised my dad i st...

 Another day of walking around with my phone attached to me, waiting for the all important call off the hospital.. i feel constantly sick with worry, it's nearly 4 weeks now since the operation, surely i can't have to wait much longer 😭 Can't even tell you how the waiting is making me feel inside, it's horrible, wouldn't wish this on anyone.. On a lighter note, just injected myself which is finally getting easier but i've only got 1 more to do tomorrow.. Yayyyy!!! I'll be back later to let you know if i've had to phone call. Enjoy the sunshine & life 💓

 In 8 days it will of been 7 month since my dad left me to face this shitty world alone, if love alone could of saved him he'd still be here today, i'll never forget seeing him cry sat in his car thinking no one could see.. If you knew my dad, you'd know he doesn't cry or show any feelings. I've felt so lonely since he's been gone, i'm sat in tears writing this, i miss him so much, it's so hard without him. I'm so angry that he was taken away at 55 years of age, he was like a dad to Jesse-John with his biological father out of the picture. Dad and Jesse were the best of friends. As the days go by i think it gets harder coming to terms with the fact he's not coming back, the loneliness i'm feeling is horrible inside and know one knows how you feel until you lose a parent that you saw every single day, he wasn't just my dad, he was my best friend and i'm not dealing with him not being here any more. I'm glad i started this blog, it ...

 Today has been a hard day when it comes to emotions, i've felt extremely lonely. I can go as far to say since the cancer diagnosis, today as been a low day. It could be because it's a new week tomorrow and i'm expecting the results any day or the fact that my dad has been on my mind all day, he's always on my mind but today has been so hard, alls i've done is look at photo's of him and think of how much i miss him. I think it's hard more so with the sun shining, dad used to pick me and Jesse up and we'd go out driving down country lanes, pop in a country pub and look like complete outcasts which we found funny and didn't really care, he'd be working on his car on my drive and we'd have beers and i'd chuck some food in the oven or order a big pizza, which dad would moan i'm wasting my money when there's pizzas in the freezer... not the same dad! I always say them frozen pizza's are just not the same haha.. I just miss him so m...

31 days today i've been religiously taking multi vitamins and evening primrose oil capsules, i was advised by the consultant when he told me i had cancer to start taking the evening primrose because i'll be going through the menopause, the multi vitamins i decided to start taking because i don't eat anywhere near enough fruit and veg so thought it would help. Not sure how the evening primrose oil is meant to help if im honest but it must do something if they advised me to start taking it?? The other day i felt so positive and full of energy and yesterday and today i just feel really low, it's Monday tomorrow and i'm praying my consultant gets my results. I asked if they could just give me the results over the phone when they get them but they can't, so even more days waiting. As much as i'd love the results to be all clear and the cancer hasn't spread, there's something niggling away inside me saying 'prepare yourself for a battle'.. i feel s...

Cant keep feeling sorry for myself, I can't change what the results will say, I can't get the results any faster and I'm putting my life on hold waiting.. So today I've put some mascara on which I used to wear every day but the past few months I've not made any sort of effort with myself, today I'm going try and put cancer to the back of my mind, even if just for today and try and be happy. I won't lie I just want it be next week already and get my results, but today isn't that day so I may as well try and be happy for my little boy 💙  I'll try and wear this smile all day even if I'm not happy inside 🙂 

The end is finally in sight having these injections, I can't wait for the last day to come. I hate needles more than anything. I'm covered in bruises in both legs and both sides of my stomach where I have to do a different side each day, I hate the pain you get after the injection goes in and the stinging feeling it leaves 😭 I just want this nightmare to be over but as my lucks gone through my whole life I just keep thinking next week will be bad news.. I'm sick to death of hearing people moan about stupid shit in life, they should be lucky and thankful they've not been told they've got cancer!! I'm in such a foul mood today, I'm sick of taking tablets and I'm sick of the site of these injections! I miss my dad so much 😢 💔 

Not been blogging for a few days as the long awaited day for my lymphnodes results was yesterday, my operation will have been done 3 weeks tomorrow and yet still no results.  I'm absolutely petrified that they've found more cancer, I feel sick to my stomach. The worry has taken over my life, I just want to be put out of my misery and just know either way 😭😭😭