Dad

 In 8 days it will of been 7 month since my dad left me to face this shitty world alone, if love alone could of saved him he'd still be here today, i'll never forget seeing him cry sat in his car thinking no one could see.. If you knew my dad, you'd know he doesn't cry or show any feelings.

I've felt so lonely since he's been gone, i'm sat in tears writing this, i miss him so much, it's so hard without him. I'm so angry that he was taken away at 55 years of age, he was like a dad to Jesse-John with his biological father out of the picture. Dad and Jesse were the best of friends.

As the days go by i think it gets harder coming to terms with the fact he's not coming back, the loneliness i'm feeling is horrible inside and know one knows how you feel until you lose a parent that you saw every single day, he wasn't just my dad, he was my best friend and i'm not dealing with him not being here any more.

I'm glad i started this blog, it so much easier for me to write my feelings down than talk to people.

I guess one thing i'm thankful for is that he's not here to see what i've been going through because this alone would kill him inside, he hated seeing me upset, he knows how bad i've dealt with my depression over the years, i remember him sitting on the end of my bed after i'd cut my wrists open years ago upset asking me why, asking me why i couldn't talk to him, if only he knew i myself don't understand my depression. I just hope he see's me writing this over my shoulder and now he understands, i hope he knows how much he meant to me and how much i miss him..   

I love you dad 💔

Grief is the hardest thing to have to deal with and the cancer added, i'm still wondering how i've not had a breakdown, but without me staying strong who would my 4 boys have?? I'm strong for them and only them, they really are my whole world and more.. my Jay-Dee, Jensen, Jasper & Jesse-John 💙