-

 Today has been a hard day when it comes to emotions, i've felt extremely lonely. I can go as far to say since the cancer diagnosis, today as been a low day. It could be because it's a new week tomorrow and i'm expecting the results any day or the fact that my dad has been on my mind all day, he's always on my mind but today has been so hard, alls i've done is look at photo's of him and think of how much i miss him.

I think it's hard more so with the sun shining, dad used to pick me and Jesse up and we'd go out driving down country lanes, pop in a country pub and look like complete outcasts which we found funny and didn't really care, he'd be working on his car on my drive and we'd have beers and i'd chuck some food in the oven or order a big pizza, which dad would moan i'm wasting my money when there's pizzas in the freezer... not the same dad! I always say them frozen pizza's are just not the same haha..

I just miss him so much, it's been nearly 7 months without him and the days don't get any easier i don't care what anyone says, i just want to cry.

I would do anything to see his face again, my heart is broken without him here with me.

Jesse was outside not long ago with this massive bubble maker thing and i heard him say there you go grandad as the bubbles blew up to the sky, i had a lump in my throat and my heart sank, i love hearing him talk about dad because i know he'll always be with Jesse.

How can someone feel so lonely when you've got such a bubbly, caring, beautiful little boy around?? Easy really, the smile i keep on my face is so he doesn't have to see or feel the hurt inside his mummy, my 4 boys are my strength, they keep me going, so as low as i feel today, tomorrow is a new day and fingers crossed for a better day.

I just want to get the results to know how my life is about to pan out... did they get all the cancer? has it spread and i'll be having chemo and radiotherapy soon?

This is what's going around in my head.

Lets hope tomorrow they ring me to go in and discuss the results, i can't take another week waiting 🙏

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

-
The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
Read more

June 3rd 2024 The Morning After.

-
The tears keep coming, I am absoloutely distrought. I feel like I have failed as a mother. I feel beyond heartbroken, I just want my boy home. Ive self harmed, ive not self harmed for over half a year, ive been trying so hard to get better and now im scared im going to kill myself. My 21 year old son took his own life yesterday morning. How as a mother do you deal with the death of a child? Where do you find the strenght to continue living when all you want to do is die? I cant leave my other 3 children behind but depression doesnt care if youve got children. Im worried that I will end up dead. The depression will become to hard to deal with and I will kill myself regardless of whether its the right thing to do or not. Im praying my dad was there to meet my son and they are together in heaven looking down on us all. Im back in that dark hole I fought so hard to get out of. I was starting to see some light and now my world has gone dark again. I cant imagine a life without my 4 boys an
Read more

June 2nd 2024 My First Born Son Passed Away 💔🕊

-
My first born beautiful boy passed away today, I am absoloutely devastated. Im struggling to come to terms with the death of my father, im hanging on by a thread and then my son passes away. My son died today, my baby boy died and I dont know how to live a life without him. I dont want to live a life without him!!! When will my nightmare of a life end? How do I carry on when all I want to do is die? My son was 21 years old, his name is Jay-Dee Colclough. I just want to sceam and rip my hair out, I want to die. I cant die can I, I have 3 other children that need me. I know one day im going to die.Im sat telling myself that my other boys need me but I feel like my body just wants to give up. Im tired now of fighting depression. I am so fucking tired. How do you carry on living when a piece of you has just passed away, someone tell me how I carry on living without my son..
Read more