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June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

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The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
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March 1st Sunday.

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Natalie bombarded me with messages last night, pissed me right off. Telling me she loves me, so this morning ive told her its infatuation and she can't possibly love me and to leave me alone. Ive got enough shit going on in my head without her adding to it. Fuck it off! Life's so much easier being single. Just me and my boys. Going eat what I want today then start calorie counting tomorrow, try shift some weight. Got us all a McDonald's breakfast this morning haha. Don't know how im going stick to a diet, but im going try my best. Getting my hair done tomorrow, really can't be bothered, but my roots are so bad. Thank god my mums a hairdresser haha. I feel ok today, better than I have done the past few days/weeks. Im cooking a gammon joint for dinner. Still need wash my slow cooker, but that can wait till tomorrow. Trying stay positive today and be more thankful. Its hard when you're depressed and grieving. I pray im not like this forever because its horrible. Yo...
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September 1st Monday.

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Jesse's had himself a nice bath, ive washed his hair so he's all nice and clean for school tomorrow. Ive showered and washed my hair so im ready for tomorrow's 7am alarm. I'll be honest, ive had anxiety all day about Jesse going back school tomorrow. Don't know why, I know ill be fine. Jesse will be fine. Ive got this! September is national suicide prevention month. All ive seen today is posts about suicide. Its made Jay-Dees death come flooding back. Its been a hard day. I wish I could of saved my son. Why didn't he talk to me, he was my baby. Life is so hard. I wish I could of saved my child. My first baby, oh how I miss him so much. I'm devastated. Heartbroken. I dont know how to get through this. My father and my son, gone forever. I could cry. Jay-Dee would of been turning 23 on the 30th of this month. I am a broken woman. I'm consumed daily by grief,  its eating away at me like cancer, it breaks me daily. How am I still alive, I ask myself everyday...
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