Doctors.. Coffee.. Dreams.. Dad..

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 6 weeks today post op..

Been the doctors, i'm booked in for blood tests and i've been swabbed to see if there's an infection..

She did say i may of pulled my insides, which would make sense seen as i've been hoovering etc, you forget that because you're feeling better on the outside, that your insides are still trying to heel. Feel like i was moving forward health wise and now i feel like i've taken a few steps back, what can you do though when you're a mum to 2 budgies that make a god damn mess everyday with their food and feathers arrgghhhhh fucking birds!!

I feel sick as a dog today, zero energy as per usual and just filling up on cold coffee, it's funny that when i was pregnant with my first child who will be 19 this year i went off coffee for at least 17 years and now i've become obsessed with cold ice coffee.. strange.. if you've not tried it, you've not lived. Order a Frappuccino from StarBucks you will not be disappointed 😁😁   

Don't know if i mention early on in my blog that i write a dream journal, this is due to the crazy dreams i have but obviously i can only write down the ones i remember,  the other night i dreamt that the world was coming to an end, also that my tooth broke and i forgot my address and couldn't find my way home. I always google my dreams and jot down what they mean and they all point to losing a loved one and new begging's, they all make sense after i've read up what they mean. I'm grieving awake and in my dreams. I'm not ready move on from losing my dad and i never will be. Theres not a single day that goes by where i don't think of him and get angry that he should still be here. I try my best to not get angry but then i see old people walking around and i think my dad should still be here and he should of been able to grow old with us and he's been cruelly taken away from me and my boys. 

My sister mentioned that she wanted to scatter dads ashes so we've all got somewhere go to visit him because for the past 7 months he's been in my bedroom, i told her, if we scatter dad then he really is gone forever and i'm not prepared to lose him completely so i'm sorry if people think i'm selfish but dad stays where he is so i know he's safe with me....


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