Reflections

You ever sat looking in the mirror or like me, looking into a gold band that was my dads I wear, waiting to see his face in it sitting next to me..

Have you ever longed to see someones face that has passed away so bad that it hurts, if not then count yourself lucky, if like me you are struggling with griefe then I feel for you because its the worst thing ever. I have my dads face in photos or on canvas all around my house and still I get no comfort, if anything its harder to look at knowing ill never see him again. I'd never move them, if anything ill buy more because I just long to see his face again.

My blog was meant to be helping others go through what I've gone through, dad dying and my cancer but I've realised my blog has been more of a diary for me to write down how I feel about my dads passing, me having cancer is nothing compared to losing my dad. 

I feel like I'm dealing with my feelings better about losing dad by writing my blog, I can imagine people reading it have noticed, after everything I say I end up talking about my dad. I can't help it and I don't care, me talking about him keeps him alive in my heart and thats all I need to get me through the bad times. 

When I speak about my dad, he wasn't just my dad, he was my best friend, he did anything I asked and more, he did that much that now he's not here I'm clueless about simple things. Thank god I've got Ted (Damian), the boys dad. We are like best friends now, we were young when we met, we had children and it didn't work. Now I can't imagine a life without him in it, he does so much for us all, he's having another baby and he still does anything for us that we need doing. We're like a massive joined family and his new baby girl will be spoilt, 4 older brothers, she'll want for nothing 💜 My dad will be looking down thanking Damian, he always said no matter how much we fall out hes a good dad, he really is the best dad I could ask for, for my 4 boys. He really is the best dad ever.

When I talk about my dad I do it because I know there's others that have the same feelings as me when it comes to loss.

Its been 7 months and I still can not comprehend dad not being here, the anger of having him ripped away from me age 55 is killing me inside, they can find a vaccination for a global pandemic within a year but still nothing for cancer!!! Bullshit!!!!!!!!

My heart feels like its been torn out, stamped all over and slung back in my chest...

Heartbroken 💔💔💔💔