Cancer, Depression and Me.

Feel so deflated today, had a shit sleep last night which doesnt help. I keep thinking about how long ive been grieving for and I know it will never end until I die. It makes me so sad that I will be feeling this way forever. I can't stop the grieving process, im just trying to live with it. Some days are heavier than other days and today grief feels heavy. Im also worried about Jesse, he doesnt want to go to school anymore because hes being bullied, its been going on for months now. Im always ringing the school to tell them and it seems nothing is getting done. Other than pulling him out of school, im not sure what to do. Im a Christian, so belting the parents isn't an option haha. Trying to be a better person. Seriously though, something needs doing about the bullying because Jesse hates going school and it makes me sad. God i miss my dad and son so much, im so sad. Im such a sad person since they passed away. Grief is killing me. Im desperately trying to find myself, but i d...

Damian is collecting Jesse after he finishes work about 5pm, for fireworks at his house with Mabel and Max. Jesse has come straight home from school and got changed. He absolutely loves being with Damian.  Im going nip my brothers for an hour when he goes, get me out of the house for an hour. I didn't do the school run this morning, I was so tired. I waited for Jesse go in school then i went back sleep with the dog on the settee under Jasper's blanket. Was lovely and cosy. Ive had the heating on all day, i think its gone so cold. I love these early dark nights with Christmas tree up, makes the living room so cosy.  Not really got alot to talk about today, i feel ok mentally. Thought about my dad and son like I always do, but ive not stayed sad. Ive done some washing and dried and folded it. Was going make a spag bol for tea, but forgot the cheese. You can't have a spag bol with no cheese, so ill buy cheese tomorrow and make it tomorrow for tea. Thats it for today. Happy Bon...

Spent the morning with my sister Christmas shopping,  we went a coffee shop and had banana bread latès, which were delicious. I picked some Nivea body sets up and said to my sister they're for Jay-Dee and.. then I stopped myself and said they're for Jensen and Jasper. Made me sad.  15th of this month will be 6 years since my dad passed away. 6 years of living with heartbreak. 6 years have flown by. So much has happened since dad passed away. I had cancer, dads partner, Sharon died, Russ a good friend of dads passed away and my beautiful son died. Its been really tough on my heart. The only reason im still standing is because my boys need me or id be dead already.. Anyway, im trying to have a good day. Loved meeting up with my sister, I speak to her everyday, but we dont see each other much, so it was lovely to go shopping together.  Im making a curry for tea with rice.  Ive been wrapping my presents as I buy so i dont leave it all till last minute. Doesn't matter how...

I dreamt about my dad last night, he was dying in my dream again. I remember waking up crying. It was horrible. Why do I keep dreaming about his death? Its absolute torture. I miss him so much its killing me.  Gone on tiktok and there was a tiktok of Jay-Dee on my memories and my heart broke all over again. I miss my son. Didn't take Jesse school today, we slept in, hes got a dentist appointment at 12.55pm so just thought id keep him off anyway. I feel like shit today mentally. Dreaming of my dad dying has made me feel so sad inside. Im going visit my brother after we've been the dentist, get us both out of the house a few hours. Grief feels heavy today. I could cry. I woke myself up crying through the night, thats not happened in a long time. I hate reliving my dads death, but thats the price we pay I guess for holding him as he died. I will never forget seeing my dad take his last breath. It will haunt me forever. I got to say goodbye to my dad, I never got the chance to say ...

My Christmas tree and decorations are up. Ive hung 4 stockings, might only have 3 children with me, but Jay-Dee will always be included.  Ive put everything up for Jesse really, I might not be in the Christmas spirit, but I do it for my boys. Christmas is a hard season for me, I use to visit my dad every Christmas day and id always have my 4 boys here with me. Jay-Dee use to roll out of bed about dinner time to open his presents haha, Jensen is the same. I miss my dad and son so much. Im carrying grief better these past few days. Im sad, ill always be sad, but im carrying it better. Some days are really hard and some days are easier on my heart. Making Jay-Dees favourite for tea tonight, chilli. I always use to give Jay-Dee a bigger portion than his brothers because I knew how much he loved it. Jensen chose tea tonight. I could cry, but I wont. I always feel like I could cry. There's a sadness inside of me that will be with me until I die. Just got to keep going. Can't wait see...

Merry Christmas haha, Halloween is over and Christmas begins. Ive pulled my decorations out from under my stairs and im in 2 minds whether to put them up today or not.  Its not the same anymore since my dad and son died, I can't describe it, but im just not as festive as I use to be. I miss them both all throughout the year, but the holiday season is hard. Back to school tomorrow, ive absolutely loved having Jesse off. We've had cosy lie ins everyday and hes such a good boy, its been lovely to have him off.  My kitchen is over run with recycling because my blue bin is full until it gets emptied tomorrow morning. We had a chicken dinner last night for tea and it was lovely, Jesse asked for another today, but ill do one through the week now. I started wrapping presents yesterday, going to wrap as I buy so i dont leave all the wrapping till last minute like I usually do. Can I be bothered to put my decs up, the thought of putting a tree up is putting me off. I feel so tired today...

Jesse has been so excited all morning because he was going to a Halloween party at Damians at 2pm and then Trick or Treat after. Hes been counting down for Halloween for the past 2 weeks haha bless his little innocent heart. Jesse went at 2pm, me and Jensen went Asda and I came out 50 pound lighter, but weve got a chicken dinner slow cooking for tea. Can't wait. Ive been wrapping presents, ill wrap as I buy so its not all left till last minute.  My mum did a Diamond Art of Jay-Dee and it arrived today. I'll post a pic at the end. I made a photo on ChatGPT of all my boys and it also arrived today, so ive framed it. I'll post that pic too at the end. I feel ok today, ive kept myself busy and im doing ok. One more lie in then back to the school run. Might put my Christmas decorations up next week.🎄 And thats my day..

Grief isn't so heavy today, so i got dressed and myself and Jesse have been to visit my brother for a few hours. Broke my day up and I got some fresh air.  Ive completed The Mentalist last night, it was brilliant. Im just starting Bones, its meant be brilliant, so we'll see. Think there's like 17 or more seasons so this is going to take a while. Jesse and I are relaxing on the settee now. Jasper will be across soon and Jensen asked if we could get Burger king for tea. I'll never be skinny. Ive given up trying to lose weight, its impossible whilst im taking Olanzopine. I was thinking of coming off it, to lose some weight, but I really need it to stop me from killing myself. So looks like im staying on it. Life's too short to worry about my weight, I could be dead tomorrow.  Since losing my dad and son I dont really care about anything. People moan about the little things in life and I think to myself, my dad and son are dead and people moan about stupid things. I see...

Its been a long day. Its 8.31pm now. Jasper will he going within the next half an hour and ill he going to bed. Im so tired.  Jasper's given me some money to buy us all a steak tomorrow for me to cook for tea to go with some veg and pepper corn sauce.  Ive felt ok today, not really done much. I made a portrait of my boys using ai and ive got it coming to put in a frame. I'll show you. Short blog today, im tired and I just want go bed. Jay-Dee is the one in the salmon coloured jumper. Jensen has got the facial hair. Jasper is wearing a hoody and Jesse in the grey t shirt.  Love my boys so much.

I live everyday for my children, as much as I long to die, im grateful that God wakes me up in the morning so I can see my kids grow up.  Im so proud of my boys, they're well mannered, caring boys. They give me purpose. They dont realise how much they save me everyday.  Ive been writing this blog for 5 years now, ive been depressed way before my dad died, its just that his death tipped me over the edge.  Some times I ask myself why I survived my cancer, how have I survived losing my father and son. There's a reason im still here fighting everyday. God has a plan for me. I want to do something about men's mental health, I want to help men that are secretly going through what my son went through. Maybe thats my reason to live. I want something good to come from Jay-Dees death. Im not sure what i can do yet, but it'll come to me when the time is right. I dont think im going for that job next week. Its 2 buses there and back for 2 hours work a day. Its in Meir and ive not g...

All I have left are photos around my house which I find myself staring at and drifting away thinking of the memories I had with my dad and son. Everyday i try to remember their voices. My heart aches today, I miss them both so much. I was just looking at a photo of Jay-Dee on my phone, its my screen saver and my heart sank. I miss my son so much its killing me. Everyday I tell my dad and son that I miss them, in the hopes that they can somehow hear me. I have to believe they can for my own sanity. I could cry. Im numb to everything around me, my heart cries out for them both.  Jesse went Damians last night for a sleepover and this morning he messaged me saying 'love you', made me realise why I have to stay. Me killing myself, as much as I want to, would destroy my kids. I dont want to be alive anymore, but I have to for them. Its cruel that I have to live, but i can't destroy my kids lives anymore than they already are after losing their grandad and brother. I wonder if the...

I dont think people really understand the depth of grief until you lose a parent or child, or in my case both. When I say it hurts, I mean, I can feel it in my bones. My heart feels heavy in my chest. Im constantly tired, im tired of fighting everyday to survive. Its me versus me everyday. Add depression into the mix and its exhausting. Wanting to die, whilst wanting to live for my living children. Torn between two worlds, the living and the dead. The heartache I carry with me everyday is draining, some times, debilitating. There are days that I dont leave the house because of anxiety, and I try my best to push through. I have days where I want to slice through my wrists, just to feel something, but I dont because I dont want Jesse to see blood dripping from my arms. I cancel plans all the time because I prefer to suffer alone. My misery doesnt like company. I take enough medication a day that you'd think id be on cloud nine, but the truth is, all that medication does is keep my he...

Was meant to blog yesterday, was sure I had, but I hadnt. My cat has to stay upstairs through the day whilst im downstairs and when I go bed, hes allowed the run of the house whilst im locked in my room to avoid him. Its working, im too scared to be around him. Its been like this for a week now. Its a pain in the arse, but its the only thing I can do to keep my dog and cat away from each other. I feel deflated today. Dont think the weather helps. Its wet and cold outside. Ive taken my recycling out to the bin. The cat isn't allowed out of Jensens room until ive done all his food and litter tray which is at the bottom of the stairs. Hes scared me that much because he attacked me that I can't be around him anymore.  Ive washed all my dishes, wish there was somewhere to put a dish washer in my kitchen, but there's no room. Im going to do a wash and watch some more of The Mentalist.  Been having weird dreams the last few nights. Can't remember last nights dream, but I remem...

I have 2 urns sitting on a shelf in my living room and every time I look at them, my heart breaks over and over again. Im thankful I get to keep my dad and son at home with me because it does bring me some comfort, but it still hurts when I look at them both in wooden boxes. I feel so sad today, I miss them both so much. I spent the last few days with my dad before he died at his bed side, morning and night. I never left his side. I hope he knows I stayed with him. I slept on a chair with my head on his bed with him. God I miss my dad so much. I never got to be with my son before he died and that kills me inside. I feel guilt that he died on his own and I couldnt save him. I miss you Jay-Dee.  My heart aches today and grief is heavy. I need to pull myself together and snap out of how im feeling. Jesse has broke up today for a week, a nice week of lie ins. Tomorrow im going to force myself to shower and wash my hair. Its been about 2 weeks since I washed it and you could cook chips ...

Just sat thinking about my old life, the one I had before my dad passed away. I was out all the time, drinking everyday, crying, fighting, cutting my wrists, and everything changed the day my dad passed away. Now im quiet, reserved, loving, sober, im more present as a parent and my life is peaceful. I say i love you to the people I love everyday. Losing my dad and my son and having cancer really changed the way I live my life. These tragic events that have happened scared me that much that I turned my life around for the better. Im sober, nearly 5 years sober. Yes I have suicidal ideation most days, but im not slicing through my wrists anymore, im not spending 24 hours in police custody. My life might seem boring some times to me, but im doing better than I was when I was a drunk. Those 3 tragic events have changed my life forever.  Mentally ive been doing ok for a few days now, I feel sad, but im doing ok. I miss my dad and son so much, my heart aches for them. Next month will be ...

2 of my friends came to see me today, which was nice. Im not very sociable, but I try my best. They were here a couple of hours and we had a nice catch up. Did me a favour to he honest because I was sat feeling sad about my dad and son, so they snapped me out of it before it took hold of me. The cat has gone for my dog this morning, again! So I give the cat his food and had to feed my dog on the settee because we couldnt get near to where she usually eats. I said to Jesse, get a bit of ham and lure the cat to the stairs. Once he was on the stairs I closed the door and hes been up there ever since. I can't have him around me or the dog anymore.  I dread coming out of my room in the morning because I hear him meowing outside my door. Something has got to be done with him before I cracked up. Hes driving me insane. Im literally scared of being around him. Jensen will have to have him in his room more, because my nervous system can't take it. Won't be long before Jesse is home,...

Ive had enough, i opened my back door and let my cat out. Guess what? He had a sniff around and came back inside the little shit! Hes currently upstairs with Jensen and im locked in the living room with my dog. The dog has just gone for the cat, even shes had enough of his shit. The cat went for my dog this morning and Sicily didn't dare walk past him, so I picked my dog up and the cat clawed my legs. Honestly, hes being vile. Wish we never had him. The dog and the cat can't get along. They were fine together until the cat turned on us all about 4 weeks ago. Im so fed up. Im living in fear. Hes been locked in the kitchen all morning with the back door open, I was expecting him to just fuck off and let some steam off, but noooo, he just came back inside. All his stuff, his litter tray, food and water are in the kitchen because thats where hes going be spending alot of his time with the back door open. Im hoping the more he goes out, the more he'll explore and not just stay b...

Jesse went for a sleepover last night at Damians, its 2.37pm and hes still out with Damian. Loved having my early night last night and chilled out day. My cat, Sol, has gone for my dog again so hes currently locked in the kitchen. I am so fed up of being scared of a cat. They're vicious little bastards arent they? Hes got a follow up appointment tomorrow at 4pm to check where he had surgery, then I think im going to let him outside. I can't live like this anymore. Its been going on now for over 3 weeks. Ive just had myself a hot shower and got back into some clean pjs. Take away for tea I think. Can't wait go bed and lock myself in my room away from the cat. Jesse breaks up Thursday for Halloween half term. Can't wait for a week of lie ins. You know what, im not feeling too bad. Im sat with Jasper, he went out last night and rolled in at 4am this morning.  Im hooked on The Mentalist, its all ive been watching the past few days. The weekends go by so fast, 2 lie ins aren...

So Sol was neutered yesterday, the vets said it can take 6 weeks for testosterone to leave his body. Great! Hes gone for my dog again this morning so hes currently locked in Jensens bedroom with him. My nervous system is shot to shit. Im scared of a bloody cat. They're so vicious. Im more scared that he'll attack my dog again. He can't go out for 48 hours after surgery, hes got a follow up appointment Monday at 4pm and I think after that, im letting him outside. The boys dont want me to, but its not them living in fear of a fucking cat. Ive had enough now. If I didn't have the dog, id lock myself in my bedroom and be done with life.  After we had breakfast, myself and Jesse got dressed and went to get Jesse a haircut. We've been Asda and Jesse asked if id do a chicken dinner for tea, so ive just brought a chicken, veg, potatoes and Yorkshire puddings to make a dinner later with gravy and mint sauce. Can't wait. Love making it and eating it, but then I have to wa...

My cat attacked my poor dog this morning, my dog was shaking after Jensen split them up. We got the cat to the vets and they've rang me to say surgery went well. They said it takes 6 weeks for testosterone to leave his system and if hes still aggressive then we should let him outside.  I can tell you now, im not living in fear for another 6 weeks! We've got collect him at 4pm and im dreading it. I dont want him come back and I know that sounds horrible and I love him to bits, but im petrified of him. I feel sad today, been thinking about my dad and son all day. We knew the better days wouldnt last. Im so heartbroken.  I was heartbroken even on my better days, I was just handling it better. I know I can't bring them back, but id give anything to see them again, I wish everyday that they'd visit me in my dreams. That only happens every now and again.  Im so sad that they're not here anymore.  It hits me every morning when I wake up that ive got to face another day wit...