Cancer, Depression and Me.

You know what ive just realised, sat having a conversation with Jesse and it hit me, how present i am as a parent. I sit with Jasper and Jensen and we have conversations. Getting sober changed me. Feel like i was given the chance to start over. Im a better person and a better parent. If I could go back and get sober sooner, I would. The bond i have with my kids since getting sober is unreal. We're all like best friends. So blessed to of birthed 4 amazing boys. Its hard not having Jay-Dee here, it'll kill me inside for the rest of my life and for him I will stay sober for as long as I can. I know Jay-Dee and my dad are proud of me, and so are my other 3 boys. I have to stay sober for them. Took Jesse school today. He held my hand all the way because of the ice. Little moments I cherish. Went the cafe see my friends, we just picked up where we left off. Went Asda and got some meat, so we've had pork dinner for tea. Was lovely. Glad I got out of the house today, did me good. T...

No school again for Jesse today. This staying in the house is no good for my mental health, because now I have anxiety about taking him tomorrow. Been in the house too long.  Got my boys all here with me and i still feel so lonely. Going try go my mates tomorrow night, get me out of the house a few hours. Made a lobby today and my house smells all warm and cosy. Mental health is low today, shocker, haha. My nieces 6th birthday today and my 42nd birthday in a few days. Its not the same as you get older, its just another day to me. Damian asked me what I wanted, but there's nothing I want. In the end I just said a Primark gift card. I could do with some new tops so ill use it for that. Really got to push myself in the morning to get up and take Jesse school. In my defence, I have got up both mornings to take him, but then I saw the snow, so I just climbed back into bed. I love my bed and I love being asleep. Its my escape from my own brain. I kept the heating on all last night, it wa...

I replay the phone call I made to Damian within seconds of the police telling me Jay-Dee was dead. I remember my hands trembling as I tried to find Damian in my phone. I remember saying the police are here, Jay-Dee is dead whilst crying. It haunts me. I'll never forget that morning. I hate life! It's cruel!! Why did my baby have to kill himself. Why didn't I see the signs? There were no signs, it was the fucking drugs. God I could scream! Recreational drugs took my son from me. Im so angry at the world. Didn't take Jesse school today, looked out the window at half 6 this morning, saw the thick snow, and thought nope. I climbed back into bed with Jesse and went back sleep. Jesses been playing out in the snow for ages, he's come in freezing and wet. Hes now sat infront of the fire in his pjs. Ive got the fire and the heating on, its so cold today. Jesses going school tomorrow regardless of the weather. Im going cook a lobby tomorrow. I'll go Asda in the morning ge...

Didn't go church this morning. I slept in till half 11. Now thats some lie in. Cancelled going my friends. Spent the day with Jasper. I was just sat thinking about how we already had Jay-Dees name planned before I even got pregnant. Myself and Damian were big Jack Daniels lovers and thats where Jay-Dees name comes from. Jesse is on his way back home now. Ive missed him, but ive loved the break. Got in bed last night, was listening to music. Fell asleep peacefully and had a nice lie in. Its been snowing, the trees look so beautiful covered in snow. Jesse has just come back home and he's outside playing in the snow, where as im sat with the fire on all cosy in my living room. Feeling a bit better today. I say that, but im still sat thinking of my father and son. Not a day goes by where I dont think of them both. If it keeps snowing Jesse won't be going school tomorrow. Getting a take away for tea and then healthy eating as of tomorrow. Going try calorie counting see if that w...

Jesse went with Damian hours ago for a sleepover. Ive been my sisters to meet her and my brother and its been really nice to just have a bit of me time. They were drinking and obviously I wasn't. Miss it some times you know. Sobriety is hard work. Ive decided im going to start running when Jesse goes back school. Im nervous about it, but my sister said it really helps to clear your mind and let's face it, ive got nothing else to do in my life. So yeah, im thinking of starting to run. Ive got Jasper here for a sleepover. I see him every single day even though he lives with Damian, I hope he visits me everyday as he gets older. I just love having my boys around me. Keeps me going. Not going lie, im enjoying my Jesse free night. Ive just showered and now im playing a bit of music through my headphones. A little bit of me time. Im going church in the morning, I can't wait. Definitely getting my hair done next week before I shave it all off. I miss having no hair. Due know earli...

Rachael didn't come mine yesterday, i went hers and Beth came too, so we had a good catch up. Always makes me feel better when I see my friends. I know i have to push myself, but im glad I do. Its so easy to get stuck in depression. I know first hand how hard it is. Trying to find the will to live everyday. I dont shower for days on end and I barely brush my hair. Depression has got me and i dont know how to get out. I have really bad days where I just wish I was dead, and then some times I have a better day, but that's not very often. They do give me hope though and thats why I push myself to do stuff. Was meant be getting my hair done today, but ive cancelled. Don't want leave the house today. Told my friends last night that ill be dead by the middle of the year if my life doesnt improve. They knew I wasn't joking. We're going to plan more meet ups and days out. It will do me good. Im speaking to a girl called Natalie, so we'll see how that goes.. Just had a b...

So, after I blogged yesterday I ended up going shopping with Jensen. We were walking out of home bargains and a few cars away from me, I saw a boy get out of his car and the first thing I saw was Jay-Dees face. I said to Jensen, ive just seen Jay-Dee and he said he saw him too. For a moment I got to look at my sons face. New Years Eve and im sat watching a documentary and drinking water. 4 years sober tomorrow. 4 years alcohol free, how the fuck have I manage to stay sober after losing my son? What an achievement, 4 years. Im so proud of myself. Im praying for better mental health in 2026. I can't do another year like the last 5 years. Don't know how ive gotten through the last 5 years. Jensen has gone Stone tonight with his mates and im so scared that something bad will happen. Ive told him to stay safe and I love him. Those were the words I sent to Jay-Dee and look how that turned out, because ive lost a child im so scared im going to lose another. Myself and Jesse will be as...

Been to Asda with Jesse to top the food up, and now im sat wondering why my son killed himself. Its hard to believe that he's not here anymore. It kills me inside everyday. He must of been feeling so low and lonely. My heart breaks that I never got to say goodbye to my first born child, my son, Jay-Dee. How am I meant to come back from this? Losing my father and son. How do you come back? Im scared that ill be lost forever. I'll be glad get back to the school run now for some normality. Had to check what day it was before I started my blog. Losing track of the days. Jensen has just woke up, he's got 8 days off work now. Jasper is still fast asleep and Jesse is on his ps5. Im sat doing nothing and this is when my mind goes on overdrive. Its 1pm, ive been awake 3 hours and I already want to go back bed. Depression is horrible. Im sick of it. Sick of feeling the way I feel. Tired of feeling tired. Tired of fighting for my life. Its going to get the better of me, I just know it...

Was just sat thinking of how much i miss my dad's phone call everyday. Its been 5 years and im still grieving, only now im grieving my child loss too. Thought about killing myself today. Can't see me ever getting better mentally. Im fed up. Grief eats away at me daily, and i know its always going to be this way. So how am I meant to live? How do I get "better"? Diets going shit. Just keep eating Christmas chocolate. Be glad when ive eaten it all haha. Feels like a sunday today, saying that I have taken Jesse for a hair cut. Got us both out of the house an hour. You know what I'd love. I'd love to lie in a hot bath, submerge myself under the water and just drown. That's them intrusive thoughts again! Anyway, its been a shit day. Thinking of taking Jesse the park or something tomorrow. Think it will do us both good. I'll let you know what i decide. We've got snow coming Friday it says on my weather app. Anyway, not going to kill myself, dont worry. I...

I need medication to get through the day, and thats ok. I need to remember that its ok to need medication to survive. I dread to think where I'd he without the meds if im honest. The amount i take and im still depressed. Can you imagine how low I'd be without them. Its a shame I have to take medication because I'd love to just feel normal, I dont even know what normal is. I just know its not fair that im plagued with depression. I went see a couple of my friends earlier. Had to force myself to go. Honestly its draining. I dont even want to get out of bed, never mind socialising, but I push myself so my depression doesn't get any worse. Im glad I went, got me out of the house a few hours. The whole time I was out, I just wanted to be at home. Its 5pm and I just want to go and die in bed. I am so fed up of feeling like this. I can't do another year in survival mode. Wonder if ill meet someone in the new year, can't really be bothered if im honest with starting aga...

Sort of lose track of what day it is after Christmas. Not done alot today. Opened up the 2 cheese boards I'd brought, and myself, Jasper and Jensen ate cheese and crackers. Ate some left over turkey. Fed my dog left over turkey. Had a pj day today. Tomorrow I plan on leaving the house at some point. I need to before I lose my mind. Can't wait go bed. Feel so fed up. Christmas is hard when people you love are no longer here. I honestly didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Thank God I have Jesse and my pets, I have no choice but to get up. Some times I think to myself, if I died who would feed my dog and kitten? Who would look after Jesse? I have no choice but to stay alive. Why do I always think about death? There's something seriously wrong with me. I'd love to die, but I'd hate to leave my kids. Anyway, ive started fasting, a couple of days ago. Really want to lose weight this year. I go abroad in July, i need to lose a few stone. Im really going to try ...

Its been a busy day, can't wait get into bed. I was wide awake at 4am for ages, managed to get back asleep for an hour or so and then Jesse woke me up. Jesses little face lit up when he'd seen that Santa has been. Hes 9 now so this was probably his last year in believing in Santa. Bless his heart, he keeps saying Merry Christmas mum and love you. Hes so beautiful. Cooked a beautiful dinner and we've been my sisters for a few hours. Its been a hard day. I was telling my brother how much I miss my dad and son, and how hard today is. Ive kept a smile on my face for Jesse, but inside im so sad. Jensen got me a Stanley beaker with Jay-Dees photo on. So thoughtful of him. I'll post the pic at the end. Can't wait get into bed. Today has worn me out. Everyone was drinking at my sisters and I was on water. Life's shit. Proud of myself for staying sober. Nearly 4 years sober. How have I manged that after losing my child? I have no clue.

Jensen has taken me to Asda to get my last few bits. It was rammed in there. Its crazy. My turkey is in the oven and my veg is all peeled and prepared. I was just sat thinking about my dad and my son and how heartbroken I am. Its Christmas eve, I should be filled with excitement, but im not. Im just devastated. My 5th Christmas without my dad and my 2nd Christmas without Jay-Dee. Its not getting easier. Are you all ready for Christmas? Hope its lovely for you. Im hoping Jesse doesn't wake up mega early, but we'll see. Ive tried my best with buying presents on what little money I had, and ive not done bad. Be glad when its all over now. Looking forward to going my sisters tomorrow evening for a little family get together. It'll be nice. I'd imagine my morning will be hectic. Building Jesse's toys, putting batteries in toys and cooking dinner. My brother will be down at some point to have dinner with us all. Its just not the same anymore now my dad and son are dead. D...

Just sat here thinking, you never think you'd ever lose a parent or a child. I never, ever thought it would happen. To then lose both. Its really had a bad effect on me. Its damaged me. Its made me lose who I am. Ive been stripped of a person and I feel like ive had to start all over again. Learning how to do things all over again. From walking to the shop on my own. Sounds stupid doesn't it, but losing my dad and son, my anxiety is through the roof when I have to do anything alone. Grief hasn't just made my depression 100× worse, its made me fearful of life. Im scared to do things on my own. I try to push myself as much as possible so I dont go down the rabbit hole. I dont want it to get worse. Im trying to get better. Im participating in life. I went my sisters this morning to exchange gifts. Didn't stay long, didn't feel like talking. Got home and forced myself to shower. You know your depression is bad when you have to force yourself to get a shower. Can't r...

Ive been Asda today to get all my veg and potatoes for Christmas dinner. It was so busy. I left Jesse with Jasper so I could go on my own. Wrote a list yesterday and got everything today.  Got the cakes sorted for after dinner. Still not looking forward to it, but ill try my best for the kids. Just seen this on Facebook, "I died a long time ago, im just waiting for my heart to stop beating", thats exactly how I feel. I died the day my father passed away,  and then all over again, when i heard the words my son was dead. Christmas is so hard. You're expected to be "happy" because its Christmas and im finding it hard. I wear a fake smile daily and its tiring. Im just waiting to die, truth be told. Can't wait to be done with this life. I won't live to an old age. I dont want to. I keep saying im ok, but deep down we both know im not. Im am so mentally unwell its horrible living like this. Anyway, just got to keep going. Just asked Jesse what would he do if I...

Jesse's gone Winter Wonderland with Damian, he dropped me at Asda where ive been get some Christmas bits. Got 2 cheese boards and lots of crackers. A few cakes and a big box of After Eights mints. Got the heating on and the fire. I'm in my pjs watching a Christmas movie on Netflix. Just been sat with Jay-Dees urn, telling him how much I miss him. Christmas time is hard when youre grieving. I'm doing ok. Trying not to be sad, but my heart aches. I miss my father and son so much. Christmas is coming around so fast and I just dont feel festive at all. If it was just me I'd spend it lying in bed depressed, but I have kids, so im trying to do all the Christmas stuff for them. I'll be glad when its over. Saw on my Facebook memories that my birthday is in 20 days. I'll be 42. Crazy how fast time goes. Feel like I dissociated this whole year away. Don't remember any if it. Ive got a holiday to look forward to in 2026 so thats good. So anxious about it, but I know il...

My blogging is my coping mechanism. I was thinking about, how do I get through the days, and its this. I get everything out of my system, blogging. Strange isn't it how writing stuff down can help. Anyway, im doing ok today. Kept myself busy. Done a load of washing, so now I have zero washing to do. Then I stripped my bedding, washed it all on a hot wash and just made it all back up. Already I can't wait climb into fresh bedding. Had a headache since I woke up this morning, not sure why, but it is what it is. Just found a movie to watch on Netflix and thats me for the day. Jasper will be here soon and thats it. I need get a shower to wash my fake tan off my face. I plan on going to Asda tomorrow to get some bits in for Christmas. Grieving is a little easier today. I'm forever going to be grieving, I know this and thats why im trying to live. 

That's it, school has finished for Christmas. Thank God. You know what, ive had a good day today, mentally speaking. Feel in a much better mood. Ive thought about my dad and son today, like I do everyday, but im doing ok. My brother came this afternoon for a few hours. He always visits on a Friday after he's finished work. Hes a good brother. I can not wait to go sleep and not have to set an alarm. I am grateful for the peace I have in my life now since going sober. Ive lost alot of friends that I use to go drinking with, but ive made new sober friends and I really am grateful. My life has completely changed since my dad died. I died too that day and ive been trying to find Ann-Louise since then. I'm living a new life. One without my dad and son. That's why im struggling, ive got to learn to live again without my father and son. Its hard. Living is hard work for me. Ive got to find myself, im just not sure how.. im going on a big health kick on January 1st. Ive got to t...

One more get up for the school run and then 2 weeks off for Christmas. Unfortunately im not looking forward to Christmas. Everything changed after my dad died. Its hard to explain, my whole world came crashing down and its like ive had to learn how to live all over again. After years of grieving I felt like I was starting to get better. My son died and I feel like im back where I started. Learning how to live another new life. I died inside the day my father passed away and then again when my son took his own life. Ive said before how lost in life I am. I'm determined to get better in 2026. Ive got to. Anyway, I was saying to Jasper earlier, January 1st im going on a diet and when ive lost some weight, im shaving my hair off again. I shaved my hair off 3 days before my dad died. Just lost my mind and shaved all my hair off. That's what I mean when I say ive come so far to give up now. I'm fighting for my life. For a life I dont even want. I'm fighting because my kids ne...

Its been a shit day. Ive done nothing. The kitten who is 10 weeks old today, has just clawed my arm where my self harm scars are. Not self harmed now since the day of my sons death. A year and half ago. Amazing. But feeling the claw glide down my arm, I sort of felt the relief SH use to give me. How strange. When ive SH in the past for many many years, ive made a right mess of my arm. If I SH now, i wouldnt stop. I think I'd just kill myself. I dont see the point in SH anymore because im already dead inside. It did use to give me a relief, I just can't have Jesse seeing blood running down my arms. Or any of my kids to be honest. Its not nice to see, so I dont do it. I think about doing it some times, but I dont. Not sure what my coping mechanism is. I use to break my razors up and sliced my arms open as a way of coping. Now, I just dont care about anything, so nothing makes me want to SH. My world is a quiet place. Ive got no partner to disrupt my peace, my kids are amazing, li...