Cancer, Depression and Me.

Its been a shit day. Ive done nothing. The kitten who is 10 weeks old today, has just clawed my arm where my self harm scars are. Not self harmed now since the day of my sons death. A year and half ago. Amazing. But feeling the claw glide down my arm, I sort of felt the relief SH use to give me. How strange. When ive SH in the past for many many years, ive made a right mess of my arm. If I SH now, i wouldnt stop. I think I'd just kill myself. I dont see the point in SH anymore because im already dead inside. It did use to give me a relief, I just can't have Jesse seeing blood running down my arms. Or any of my kids to be honest. Its not nice to see, so I dont do it. I think about doing it some times, but I dont. Not sure what my coping mechanism is. I use to break my razors up and sliced my arms open as a way of coping. Now, I just dont care about anything, so nothing makes me want to SH. My world is a quiet place. Ive got no partner to disrupt my peace, my kids are amazing, li...

Forced myself to get up this morning to do the school run. So glad I did because I forgot id paid for afternoon tea for Jesse and I with Santa at the school. Had a lovely afternoon with Jesse. Really lifted my mood. Just got back from my friends. Had a catch up with the girls and we had a laugh. Plenty of cups of tea. How boring, I know, but ive got to stay sober. My life depends on it. My kids need me, dont they? I dont feel too bad today, im always sad, but ive got to learn to live with it. So thats what im doing. Did I want go see my friends? Absolutely not. Do I feel better for going? Yes. So glad I force myself to do things. Always feel better when I do. Its just some days are really hard. To get through a day without wanting to die, is amazing. I have to cherish the better days because unfortunately, they dont last. Anyway, I feel better for getting out of the house. Still depressed, but we carry on. You watch tomorrow be a shitty day!

I know people die everyday, but I just can't seem to come to terms with the death of my father and son. I think about them all the time. I'm forever grieving. I drift in and out of life. My mind wonders often, thinking whys and what ifs. Losing Jay-Dee resurfaced the death of my father. Everything felt like my dad had died all over again. Didn't take Jesse school today, I know they're going to fine me. I woke up at 7am, looked out the window, it was dark and rainy. I climbed back into bed and went back sleep. Started watching Stranger Things from season 1. I find it hard to not dissociate, but im trying to watch it. Jensen has gone Cheshire Oaks today with a few of his friends, Christmas shopping. I love that for him. Jasper will be here from college soon. Definitely taking Jesse school the rest of the week. Going try my best. Its 4.20pm and its already dark. Makes me want to get into bed early. Honestly, I'd sleep my days away if I could. Hate participating in life...

Didn't go church, couldnt be bothered to get out of bed. Ive had a shit day. Ive done less than nothing. Just seen a post on Facebook saying, im not living, im surviving and i thought to myself, i was meant to see that. I'm not living, i am only surviving. How can I live a life I just dont want? How do you carry on living, when youre dead inside? Was meant go my friends today for a catch up, but i cancelled. Its like i isolate myself when i feel like shit. I cut myself off from the world. My misery doesn't like company. I'll go one night in the week to see them, they know im depressed. Sick of being depressed, doesnt matter what I do, im still suffering with depression. Wishing I was dead. I'm giving 2026 a chance, but i refuse to live another year like ive been living. Next year is either life or death. No more survival mode, I want to be living. I'm so tired, its only half past 5 and I already want to get into bed. Anyway, thats it for today. One more week of ...

Was thinking about my dad earlier, and how he use to ring me every single day to see if I was ok. I saw him literally everyday, to never seeing him again. I was thinking of how my son never got to have his first tattoo, he was telling me about. He'll never have children. Ive been thinking alot today. The pain never goes away. They both had so much more life to live. 55 and 21 are no age to die. Ive spent the day over thinking. Ive showered today and washed my hair.. go me! I have to force myself to shower, how bad is that. That's depression. I literally dont care about myself and it makes me so sad. When did this happen to me? Honestly hand on heart, losing my dad destroyed me, but to then lose a child.. I dont even know who I am. Losing my son has killed me off inside. Losing a parent is hard, it kills me inside everyday, but to then lose a child, I ask myself how am I still here? How am I still breathing? Why has everyone moved on in life and I seem to be stuck reliving the d...

My friends came last night and the whole time they were at mine I felt like I was forcing myself to smile and participate in the conversations. They had so much to talk about and I had nothing. They had no idea I am severely depressed, im that good at faking a smile. I'm getting better at hiding it. They were talking about their love life and I was sat thinking, why aren't I bothered about being in a relationship? Ive become too comfortable with being on my own with my kids. I'm sure when the time is right someone will walk into my life. At the moment I just dont want anyone. I'm mentally unwell so who's going want me anyway? 2026 is going to be a better year, im really going try my best to get better mentally. I can't do another year like ive been living. I pray for better mental health. I dont want to kill myself, but i dont want to live like this. Its not living, its surviving. You know what? I put mascara on this morning before school. Now you might be think...

Depression is exhausting. Fighting for a life you really dont want is exhausting. My soul is tired. Everyday i make it through, im thankful. I'm thankful I wake up everyday, but try telling my brain that! I have suicidal thoughts everyday. Depression is horrible. Ive got my friends coming tonight, can I be bothered? Absolutely not. I'd prefer sit alone with my dark thoughts, but am I going to be sociable? Yes, im going to try my best. I know it will do me good. I'd love be able just get in bed and lie there forever. Shut myself off from the world and just wait to die. What a sad existence I am. Absolutely no purpose to my life. Yes im a mum, but who am I??? This is what I need to find, myself. I'm so lost in this life. Death has destroyed me. Everything thats happened since 2020 has literally destroyed me and my life as I knew it. Ive changed, I dont drink anymore, I mean wtf happened? How did life end up like this? My mind is blown when I think about everything ive bee...

It's dad's 61st birthday today in heaven, its also the date his funeral was on. He wanted a get together for his birthday, but he never made it, so I decided to have his funeral on his birthday. That way the family would be together for his birthday. Dad will forever be 55 years old. Forever young like my son. God life is so cruel. Feel like shit today, understandably given what day it is. I miss my father so much. I pray that he has my son with him. I just know in my heart that my dad and son are together waiting for me to catch up. Everyday I survive is a day closer to seeing my father and son again. I can't wait to die. Ive been on a Christmas craft morning today, took my mind off things. Made Jensen a handmade Christmas card to put his Christmas money in. Hope he likes it. That's what we've been making the past few weeks, Christmas cards that will be sold next week at the Christmas fayre at school. Like I said, it took my mind off things which was good. My heart...

Got my dad and my son on my mind today. Christmas time is hard. Everyday is hard, but Christmas time is really hard. How did life end up like this? I ask myself everyday, why did life have to be this way? I feel numb to Christmas, ive brought gifts, wrapped them, and yet I still feel nothing. I wish I could feel festive for my other children, but its so hard when youre grieving. I'm grieving the life I had and im grieving the life my dad and son won't have. Feel a bit shitty today. We all knew my better days wouldnt last. I am grateful for the better days, even if its only one a week. That one day gives me hope for the future. I'm always going to be grieving aren't I? It's something im going have to try to live with. I am trying my best. I feel empty today, hollow inside. I'm living with a broken heart. Praying for happiness. I'm really going to try my best in 2026 to have a better year. Ive been grieving since 2020, I can't do another year in survival m...

So i had the bright idea of wearing baggy trousers this morning, knowing full well it was raining. Didn't think did i, and by time I'd got school the bottom of my trousers was soaked and so were my Vans pumps I was wearing. The reason im telling you this is because I had to meet my sister in Hanley and didn't have time to go home and change. So I went Hanley and my feet were soaked. Had to wash and dry them when I got home. Soaked because I wore baggy trousers. Went a couple of shops got Jesse a new outfit for Christmas day and some trainers. I just need buy Damian and Louise a gift then im done. Can't afford alot this year, but ive tried my best. Be glad when its over and done with. Not the same when you have a child in heaven, but ill fight through. Been to see my friend Rachael this evening for a few hours. We were laughing alot! I actually laughed a genuine laugh. Is this what healing looks like. Am I finally getting better? Or is it just a better day? Either way, i...

Erm, ive not felt too bad today. Not done alot, but Jensen took me Starbucks for a pumpkin spiced frape. How have I done 41 years without one? Was so nice. How blessed am I that my children as they grow older, still want to do things with their mum. Thank you Jesus for the bond I have with my children. Today im feeling very blessed. Its days like today that keep me going. Something so small, like going for a coffee with my 22 year old son, has had a massive impact on me. Sort of slaps you in the face, that my children are the reason im alive and ive got to live. For them. My boys need their mum and I need them. On the way home, we were talking about covid jabs because we'd just seen a sign for boosters, anyway, we both said how we'd only had ours so we could go abroad and then I said, Jay-Dee never had any and I said and look where he is. We both laughed and Jensen said he was about to say the same thing haha. I said its a good job we can make jokes and he said we'll both b...

Myself and Jensen took it in turns through the night to be sick. Thank you Jesse for your bug. Ive not been sick since early hours so im hoping its a 24 hour bug. Jesse took himself school this morning as I was too weak. Didn't dare let him have another day off after welfare ringing me. Sat waiting for Jesse to arrive home from school and it was getting late. I said to Jasper, he's normally home by now. I frantically rang the school to make sure he'd arrived this morning. Hed arrived, they told me to ring back to let them know if i find him. At this point I was praying to God that my son was ok. Jasper said he'd go look for him, so off he went on his bike. He rang me from 2 streets away and said he couldnt see him. I was thinking all sorts. He rang me back from the school to say he'd found him playing football at school with his friends. Oh god the relief i felt. I thanked God out loud. The fear that went through my mind thinking that Jesse was missing and he was ha...

December already, where has this year gone. How have I made it this far? Ive blinked and its December. Crazy! Jesse's back in school today. Routine is good. Been to craft morning with my friends. Didn't feel like making anything today so I just sat there trying to engage in conversations. I was telling them how I dont want to put a tree up and how im just not feeling Christmas. I said its not the same after losing a child. Damian has told Jesse he's buying him a Christmas tree to put in the living room. Looks like im putting a tree up. Damian said they're not little for long, put a tree up. Hes right, I need to snap myself out of how im feeling. I'm meeting my sister Wednesday to go Christmas shopping and for a festive hot chocolate, im looking forward to that. Might get me in the Christmas spirit. Doubt it, but we can hope. I'm just depressed. The medication is keeping me afloat. Fed up of life, can't see a light at the end of a tunnel. Can't see a futu...

I'm just sat thinking about my son. I try to remember his voice in my mind and its hard. I can't remember my dad's voice, its been forever since ive heard him. Losing my father and son has destroyed me. 2026 has got to be a better year or I just won't make it out alive. I can't do another year like the last 5. I dont know how im still alive. The last 5 years since my father's death, have been a blur. My memory is shocking. I'm hanging on by a thread. Head is literally above water. Jesse's going back school tomorrow. I need to see my friends and get out of this house before it consumes me. Its 4pm and I just want to go bed. Fed up of being an adult. Jesse's gone out with Damian, so its just me and Jasper. Hes going soon though, he stayed over last night. Forced myself to shower, go me! Depression is killing me, that and grief. I need to find myself, 2026 has got to be my year. I'm praying for happiness. It would be so nice to write a happier blog....

Jesse was sick again last night so he's been off today. That's 4 days off sick and welfare have video called me to check on Jesse. The fuck do they think im doing with him? Anyway, its not been a bad day mentally. My brother has not long gone home so ive had company all day. Damian rang to see if Jesse wants a sleepover tonight, and even though he's still a bit poorly, he wanted to sleep over so he's not long just gone. A child free night and im spending it in my pjs with my dog and kitten. How fucking sad am I? Haven't got to get up early in the morning ao that's a bonus! Thought about my dad and son today, like I do everyday, but having my brother here helped. Now im sat on my own, that's when I sit thinking about everything. Jesse asked me to put a Christmas tree up, but my heart isn't in it. I know im going have to put one up at some point, but im leaving it as long as possible. I'll just be glad when its over with. Its just money all the time an...

Ive been out to the shops this morning, get some fresh air. Jasper had a 2 hour break at college so he came home and watched Jesse. Hes going back school tomorrow. Hes better now. I'm currently sat with the dog and cat asleep on me thinking of my son. I'm just devastated. I miss him so so much. Its killing me. Will this type of grief ever get easier? Losing a parent is bad enough, but to lose a child.. that's something else. Its a pain ive never felt. My heart cries out everyday for my son. I was blessed to be his mother for 21 years. 21 years of age, it breaks my heart. I'll never understand why it had to be my dad and my son, and then my cancer in-between. Ive been dealt a rough life that I just wish would end. I can't see me ever getting better. How do you live after losing a child? I'm struggling. I could cry. Ive had enough of fighting everyday to stay alive. Feel like ive got the weight of the world on my shoulders and its all grief. Grief is heavy. I'...

I didn't ask to be born. Don't even know what else to say. Not left the house since Monday because Jesse has a sickness bug and its not helping my mental health. Not seen anyone since Monday, I know its only 2 days ive been stuck in, but when you suffer with your mental health it feels like a lifetime. You know what was nice though, a few of my friends had messaged me to see if I was ok because I'd not been school. Warmed my heart. When I keep thinking no one cares, they do care. I feel blessed to have the friends I have. Feel like im in a rut with my depression, like im stuck and dont know how to get better. I'm not sure what im meant to do. I just keep showing up everyday. I'm literally forcing myself to live. I force myself every morning to get out of bed. I hate it. I hate waking up. Yes, im thankful I do, but im also gutted. My heads fucked. Want to be alive, but wouldnt mind dying.. if I dont laugh, i will cry and I promised myself i wouldnt cry infront of the...

Saw a post on Facebook that said, its ok if youre medicated everyday. So why do I feel so shit about the fact that I need medication to stay alive? Sick and tired of taking medication. Its literally keeping my head above water. I take 375mg of Venlafexine every morning, and that's the highest dose it goes upto, and then I take 15mg of Olanzopine about 7pm every night. Sick of taking my medication. Its numbed me. Some days i feel like coming off it all just so I can feel something, but then im scared ill kill myself without it. Ive been medicated since I can remember. It was always a low dose that never really helped and then my dad died and my depression got worse and the medication dose went up. I remember going to my doctor, breaking my heart, telling him I was going to kill myself. I remember saying this isn't a low mood, something is wrong with me and it was then that I was referred to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist put me on Olanzopine and it really helped me. I said to ...

Wasn't going go the cafe this morning. I watched Jesse go in and headed off the school grounds. Saw my friend and she said was I going the craft group that's on this morning. Long story short, I left the school at half 10. We made Christmas cards to sell at the Christmas fare. Actually enjoyed it. Jasper came home at lunch time and spent the afternoon with me, which was nice. Then this evening ive been to see 2 of my friends for a catch up. Really pushed myself today. I feel drained from faking my smile all day. Its hard work trying to act like youre ok. When I was with my friends this evening, they were talking about who they're dating etc and I just sat there thinking to myself, am I going to be alone forever? Ive got no interest in meeting anyone. I'm too tired, mentally. Haven't got the small talk in me. I barely talk as it is. Ive got nothing to say anymore. Feel like ive given up on life, if im honest. Don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I'm so lost. I ...

Was meant to be meeting up with a few friends today, but i really dont feel like it. So ive cancelled. Ive forced myself to shower and wash my hair, can't remember the last time I washed my hair. Think it was a week ago. Keep thinking of going short with it, im really contemplating it. Ive dried it and run the straighteners through it. I fucking hate my hair! I hate me. I hate everything about myself. I couldnt tell you one thing i like about myself. How sad is that? I think about my father and son everyday, is this normal? I feel like im losing my mind. Its all day, everyday. They're always on my mind. Its killing me. Grief is killing me. Why am I isolating myself? I know im doing it, but why am I doing it? Telling my friends i won't be meeting them. I'm fully aware that im doing it, i just dont know why. I just sit in this house staring at my sons ashes on the fire place. I go bed and see my dad's ashes. I know in my heart its not healthy, but what am I suppose to...