Cancer, Depression and Me.

Jensen and Jasper booked the Vue today to watch the new Michael Jackson movie. It was absolutely brilliant. Considering it was on for over 2 hours, I could of watched even more. Absolutely loved it. Jensen treated us to a Subway and then we nipped Homebargains for some Monster energy drinks. Ive eaten so much the past few days so im definitely getting back on my diet tomorrow. Back to calorie counting. Ive had 2 things delivered today for my holiday and guess what, they dont fucking fit because im a fat cow!! Definitely dieting from tomorrow and im going to be strict with myself. Ive got to lose some weight before I go away!  Going out today with 2 of my boys has made me feel so happy. Im glad that they still want to do things with their mum as they get older. Im so blessed. It did make me feel sad when we were sitting in the cinema, that Jay-Dee wasn't with us. Hes missed so much, so is my dad, but days like today give me hope. A glimpse of happiness. Im at my happiest when im wit...

Its 4:20pm now, Jesse went Damians last night for a sleepover and to go Max's birthday party this morning. Hes still not home. He absolutely loves his days with Damian. The bond they have is beautiful.  Literally forced myself to go see Rachael today, not long got back. She talks and I listen because ive never really got alot to say anymore. I join in with conversations the best I can, but I have to force myself. Im just cooking a curry for the boys, ive had egg sandwiches. Im obsessed with egg sandwiches at the moment. Im doing a load of washing so I can peg some outside whilst its nice. The weekend is nearly over, it goes by so fast. Want to do another full week of school for Jesse. Going my sisters after school Friday for a bbq which will be nice. Ill be meeting her new boyfriend. Everyone is moving on in life and I feel like im stuck grieving.. im so fed up of being alive, even on my better days like today, im still sad. My dad was in my dreams last night, can't remember th...

Was meant be going my mums today with my sister, but im not feeling the best. Ive got no motivation at all. So fed up of being depressed. A photo of Jay-Dee and his best friends came up on my memories and it broke my heart. I see his friends all doing things, going out etc and it breaks my heart that my son is no longer here doing things with them. I got dressed, decided I wasn't going out today and got back into clean pjs. Sick and tired of feeling the way I do. Wish I could just end my life and be done with. My dad was 55 and my son was 21, its killing me inside that they're both gone. They had so much more life to live, its just not fair! Grief is destroying me. Cancelling plans like going my mums today because ive got no interest in being around people. Grief and depression are ruining my life. I dreamt last night that we were on holiday, this holiday is really playing on my mind. I wish id never booked it, but ive paid for it all now, so ive got to go. Don't know why i...

When you lose someone you love, you gain an angel you know.  Feel a bit deflated today, feeling low. Ive got photos of my dad and son all around my house, makes my heart sad when I look at them, but also gives me a little bit of comfort having their pictures around me. I miss them so much, my heart really hurts. Wish I could just climb into bed and just lie there, thats how I feel today. The world is just passing me by, and im stuck in grief. Feel so fed up today. Im sat on my own contemplating life. I read something yesterday on Facebook about a woman who lost her only son and shes going to Switzerland I think it was, so she could end her life. If i didn't have 3 other children that need me, id happily end my life. I'd love to just end this pain that I feel inside. Depression will take my life one day, I just know it. I was thinking about how on one random day we'll just die. You never know when your time is up. Dying doesnt scare me, leaving my kids behind does. Losing my...

Jesse's nearly done a full week at school, contemplated letting him have the day off this morning because I was tired, but I pushed through it and took him. Another day of hanging on by a thread. Be glad when school is over and I get to see Jesse. So tired of being tired. Its a tiredness that sleep can't fix. Tired of doing life. Jensen is working from home so im not on my own, thank god. Jasper will be here a bit later and all thats missing is my Jay-Dee. Makes me sad. I use to see my dad every single day, hed always call in straight from work and we'd have a couple of beers together. If only he could see me now, sober. Over 4 years sober. Its crazy. Hope they're both proud of me. I miss seeing Jay-Dees face when hed come home from work. I just miss them both so much. Diets going shit this week, think ill just write it off and start again next week. Going see my mum Saturday, my sister is going too so it'll be nice have a get together. Not seen my mum in ages.  Jus...

Losing my father and son is a pain like no other. I think about them all through the day, I close my eyes and they're on my mind. Grief is consuming me. I struggle to do things i use to, things I use to enjoy. Now I see no point in being alive. Its a horrible feeling. Im so heartbroken. I use to be so outgoing and bubbly, now I barely speak and have anxiety about going to Asda. Death really changes who you are. I seem to be lost in the world and only continue to live because im a mum. I find no enjoyment in being alive. Meeting up with friends is a task. I have to force myself to do things so my anxiety doesn't take over my life. Im struggling to lose weight because of my medication and going through the Menopause. If I mention the Menopause, people say "youre too young to be going through the Menopause"! Then I have to say, I have no womb because I had cancer. I dont take my HRT anymore because I was so sick of being on it. Im fed up with how much medication I have t...

Weighed myself this morning and it said id lost 2lb. Just weighed myself again and its saying I gained 4lb. I have just eaten so I hope thats why, but fuck me, 4lbs! 2 weeks now ive been eating healthy, its killing me haha. Getting a pizza for tea tonight for the kids and I wont be having any. Dieting is torture. Couldn't go see my friends at the cafe this morning because when I got to school Amazon said they were 3 stops away, so had to rush back so my packages didn't get stolen off my doorstep. Im feeling ok today, mentally speaking. Jasper is here so im not on my own. Jesse will be finishing school in 35 minutes. The sun is shining and its not been a bad day. If I weigh myself in the morning and I have gained 4lb im going be devastated. That will be the curry I had Saturday night. My own fault. Ill carry on dieting, im trying my best to lose weight. Its so hard!  I was thinking this morning about my dad's final days in hospital and had to snap myself out of it. I think a...

Feel really deflated today. Ive been the cafe to meet my friends and I just felt like I dont fit in. Tried joining in, in conversation, but I literally have nothing to say. When I went my mates yesterday, she was telling me that shes dating someone and how her date went, and then she said hows things with me.. I had nothing to say, I just said I was ok. Ive got nothing going on in my life, nothing to talk about. How do you tell someone that not committing suicide is the main part of my day?.. I should be thankful really that I have a peaceful life I guess. Tomorrow will be 5 years since I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. If I hadnt of gone for my cervical screening I might not be here now. It was caught early, stage 1b I was. I guess i should be thankful that it was caught early and cut out, along with all my womb, ovaries, the lot. Plus 19 pelvic lymph nodes. If I hadnt of been ontop of my smears my kids wouldnt have their mum, so thank God. My next appointment at the hospital shou...

So last night Jasper and Jesse-John went with Damian for a sleepover at 5:30pm, Jensen went Manchester for a friends birthday, so for the first time in forever I was home alone. Felt a bit lost, but enjoyed some me time. So I thought to myself, fuck the diet and I ordered myself a chicken tikka jelafraze with a garlic nan. I sat on my own and enjoyed it. Felt like a right fatty after, didn't eat it all, think my stomach has shrunk with dieting and fasting. Weighed myself this morning and ive only lost 2lb upto now this week. Bit shit really, but ill carry on doing what im doing. I slept in till half 9 this morning, woke up dead refreshed because I think I went sleep about half 9 last night haha. Anyway, ive been see my friend Rachael today and then nipped Home Bargains with Jensen. Went Asda get the stuff to make chilli for tea which Jensen asked for. Ive cooked tea and washed up. Plated everyone's food up and im done. Sat waiting for Jesse and Jasper to come and thats it. You ...

Not felt too bad today. Got up this morning, got ready and myself and Jesse went the shops so he could ride his bike. There's sun was shining and I felt ok. Its Damians birthday today, brought him some gifts and a cake off the kids. We've always brought each other presents off the kids even though we're not together. Its really nice. Hes just collected Jesse for a sleepover, Jasper has gone too. Jensen is in Manchester day drinking with a group of friends for one of their birthdays. I have the house to myself. I messaged Jensen saying stay safe and I love you. The same message I sent Jay-Dee before he died. Scares the shit out of me now when my kids go out, incase they dont come home. Losing a child can do that. You worry so much more about losing another child, its literally heartbreaking. Couldn't bare to lose another child. Just the thought of it scares the shit out of me. I know my kids are struggling with their mental health too and it worries me. Losing Jay-Dee ha...

Just been to Jesse's assembly, Damian came with Mabel and Max and I just know that would have made Jesse's day. He absolutely loves them all to bits. Made me so proud seeing him standing at the front with his certificate. Im super proud of him. Anyway, I prayed last night when I closed my eyes that id see my dad and son in my dreams, and I did. My dad was dying still and I remember crying in my sleep, but Jay-Dee was absolutely fine. Im so happy I got to see them both. My dad is always dying in my dreams, its horrible. Absolutely loved seeing them both though and then I woke up.. gutted I woke up, but also thankful I did. Ive got a love hate relationship with life. Hate being alive, but also thankful I am to see my boys. Im living life in limbo, I miss my old life with my dad and son so much, but im sober now and I appreciate the little things. Seeing Jesse this morning collect his certificate made me realise how much he needs me and so do my other boys. I just wish I could be ...

Had a text off the school saying Jesse will be getting a certificate in assembly tomorrow morning and im welcome to attend. Hes worked super hard this week and he'll be getting a certificate. Super proud! Ive not told him as I want to surprise him in the morning when he sees me walk into his assembly to watch him. Hes no idea hes getting one. I think Damian is coming too, which will make Jesse's day. I was thinking about how depressed I am, along with grieving, but I always show up for my kids. I get my house work done. Just need to tackle the showering. Can't wait to see Jesse's little face light up when hes called up to the front of the assembly. Its little things like this that keep me going. My friend asked me if I wanted go out today and I turned her down. Just not feeling socialising. I went the cafe this morning and stayed for an hour and then my social battery ran out. I joined in with conversations as much as I could, ive just got nothing to say anymore. Unless...

I dont take care of myself anymore, I dont put mascara on like i use to. I forget to spray my perfume before I leave the house and I dont buy myself any new clothes. Ive really let myself go. Having depression is horrible. Im trying to take some control back of my life by dieting. Maybe when im slimmer ill make more of an effort, I dont know. Im really trying my best with dieting, I really want to lose some weight. Well, alot of weight. Ive lost my identity and im struggling to find it, but im trying. I went the cafe this morning, dont know why I bother because I never have much to say. I just push myself to socialise. I could easily just shut the world out and stay indoors, but I know it wouldnt be good for me. Losing my father destroyed me, I can't cope with what's happened. Im struggling to process his death, and then my son dies. What was left of me, died. Ive never felt pain like im feeling. My heart has been shattered into a million pieces. I am so depressed, I can't ...

Jesse's back in school, ive loved having him off over the holidays. Hes a good boy so hes been no mither at all. Had a cry at school, my friends grandad has passed away and we were talking about the death rattle you get just before you pass away. It took me back to watching my dad take his final breath. Absolutely horrendous. Her grandad brought her up, so its like her father has passed away. I told her the pain never goes away. It'll be 6 years in November for my dad and its still killing me everyday. 2 years in June for my son and again, it kills me everyday. It was nice been able to talk to someone that is going through what I am going through. Someone can relate to how I feel everyday. I know there's people all over the world that are feeling the pain im feeling and it breaks my heart. Life was never meant to be this way.. 7 days dieting and ive lost a whopping 11lbs. That's with having one meal a day, fasting and being in a calorie deficit. If I carry on like this ...

Jesse's been poorly since Friday night, burning up and feeling sick and last night he was sick. Was meant to be back to school today, but instead hes in bed with a sick bowl.. another day stuck in the house. I did nip out for a couple of hours yesterday, I went meet 3 of my friends for a catch up. They're all in relationships now and one of them said its your turn now Ann-Louise. I said im not in the right head space to be with anyone. What if im single forever? I dont need to be with anyone do i? Feel pressured! How can I be with anyone with how bad my mental health is? I tried it with Natalie and look how that turned out. She was a piss head and i dont want to be with a drinker. I dont have to be with one if I dont want to. Someone will come when the time is right id imagine. I honestly feel like I dont fit into this world anymore. Is my only purpose of being alive to be a mum? Surely there's more to my life right? I remember asking my psychiatrist if my only purpose was ...

So Jesse's still poorly, Damian dropped me medicine off yesterday for him. Im meant be going to meet up with my friends later, but we'll see if I go. I feel so low, i feel like im behind in the world. My friends are all dating and ive got no interest in meeting anyone. What's wrong with me? I feel like i dont fit in anymore. Life is moving on and im stuck in grief. I keep thinking someone will come when the time is right, I just feel a bit left out. I feel like everyone is winning in life except me. How long will i be grieving for? Forever id imagine.. not a day goes by that im not sad over losing my father and son. Every single day I think of them and how my life has dramatically changed since they died. I feel empty inside. Dead. I dont enjoy being alive anymore. I use to be so outgoing and now im a shell of my old self. Back to school tomorrow and ill be meeting up with my friends in the cafe, ill wear my fake smile and act like im ok, when deep down inside im hurting ba...

Had Jesse burning up all night, hes not very well, but he wants to sleep Damians tonight so we'll see how he is later. His new passport is being delivered today, Damian did his renewal and paid for it. Hes so good to me and the boys. Im blessed to have an ex who is as good as he is. So looks like im not leaving the house any time soon. Just had an Iceland shop delivered because I can't leave the house. Ive just been sat thinking, I can't do this anymore. I can't do this life. I just want to end it all. I know I can't and it kills me. Jesse's poorly, how could I even think about suicide? Im just fed up of being depressed. Im not living, im just surviving. Trying my best to get through each day. Ive just seen photos of Jay-Dees best mate Brad on Facebook all dressed up going to the races and my heart sank, because Jay-Dee would of probably gone with him all dressed up. Im just gutted. I look at photos everyday of my dad and son and I still can't believe they...

Ive realised that ive isolated myself the past few weeks, dont know if its because its the school holidays or not, but ive not been out of the house much. Ive not been to see my friends, I just haven't had the energy, mentally speaking. Feel really low, im so depressed. I had an email today off Tui saying 82 days until my holiday. I should be excited, but im not. Im filled with anxiety about going on my own with Jasper and Jesse. Ive brought nothing to take yet as I want to lose some weight. I just wish I was excited. Jesse went out with Damian at half 12 to go bowling and hes still not home. Its 6:12pm now. Ive cleaned up today, hoovered around and ive even showered and washed my hair! Spent my free time stuck in the house cleaning up. Its been a nice relaxing day if im honest, apart from the cleaning and the chore of washing my hair. Can't seem to find happiness and im trying my best with life, but im just not happy being alive. Grief is eating me alive. All I ever think abou...

I asked myself today, what would my dad and son be saying to me? Im sure they'd be telling me to live my life and be happy, but I dont know how to be happy without them. I dont know this new life im learning to live. Ive lost myself along the way. Losing my father and son has destroyed me. I dont recognise myself when i look in the mirror. Im so depressed. My mate has invited me hers for a catch up, and I just can't be bothered to go. Forced myself to shower today, go me! Something people do everyday and i have to force myself to shower. Depression and grief are killing me. Ive spent the day doing nothing, just watching the time pass me by. Done some washing, showered, made Jesse food all day, but thats it. Ive prayed for strength to get me through the day and its now 4:05pm. Yesterday I had washing pegged out, today I have the fire on. Day 2 of calorie counting along with fasting and its going ok. Honestly, after seeing photos of myself at my sisters bbq, it gave me a wake up ...

Playing Nerf guns with Jesse, hes just said "mum, my life flashed before my eyes" and in my head i said, "Jay-Dees will of done before he died". Why is my brain like this? Trying to have fun with Jesse and my own brain sabotage me. Its really me versus me. Woke up about 10am, decided to immediately get dressed instead of sitting in my pjs all day. Took Jesse to get his hair cut and went Asda for ingredients to make Jay-Dees favourite tea, chilli. Ive been on a calorie deficit today, eating under 1400 calories, going try do it everyday and lose some weight before my holiday. Got one more payment and ive paid it all off. Booked it last year so I could pay it off monthly. Absolutely shitting myself about taking the boys abroad on my own, ive always gone with another adult. Im sure ill be ok. Pray for me. Cooked tea, done the dishes, taken my evening meds and thats my day. Had a really good time yesterday at my sisters, but I came home after a few hours. My brother and ...