Cancer, Depression and Me.

Couldn't get the cat (Sol) to go in the cat carrier this morning, he went feral again. My friend came to try and he attacked her. The vets suggested leaving him today and they've booked him in for Friday, so we'll try again. They are prescribing sedation medication for me to collect tomorrow to sedate him before he goes. You really dont understand how scared I am of this cat. I love him to bits when hes being nice, but when he changes, its horrible. My friend said shes had cats all her life and shes never seen a cat be the way my cat is. Its scary. Went to watch Jesse in his assembly this morning. Bloody love that little boy is do. Hes gone Fusion tonight, its a youth club at school, 5-7 every Wednesday. He loves it. Hes becoming so independent, hes not my baby anymore. Time is a thief. The love i have for my 4 boys is immense, breaks my heart that one of my children are dead.  You never think it would happen to you, until it does and your whole world crumbles. Damian is co...

Took my cat the vets, hes being neutered tomorrow morning and apparently that will calm him down. Im praying it works because im scared of my own cat. Glad we haven't had to have him put asleep, because i really love him. Im waiting for the chemist to tell me my antibiotics are ready to collect Jensen will have to drop the cat off tomorrow morning at the vets, hes got be there for 9.15am and ive got go Jesse's assembly. Can't be in two places at once and im choosing Jesse's assembly. Dont want him being the only child there with no parent watching him. Ive had to ring the doctors for Jasper because Sol bit him two days ago and his cut has got green in it. Honestly, this cat is a nightmare.  Mentally im doing ok, think the drama with the cat is keeping my mind busy and stopping me from over thinking. Too scared ill get attacked to think of anything else haha. Felt ok the past few days, I think about my dad and son all throughout the day, but the past couple of days im ha...

My cat went feral a couple of weeks ago, he was hissing and howling at us. It took over a week for him to calm down and last night he did it again, only today hes gone for me. Hes clawed me and sunk his teeth into my arm. I was dripping of blood when I got him off me. Ive made a vets appointment for tomorrow morning at 9am to get him checked out. The vets told me I needed see my Dr about the bites because they will become infected. The doctors have looked at my bite marks and have prescribed me with antibiotics which ive got collect from the pharmacy tomorrow.  The thing im getting at is that I dont know what to do about my cat. Im scared to be near him, he just keeps hissing and howling at me. I think im going have to surrender him or have him put asleep. I love him so much, but I can't keep being scared in my own home. The kids dont want me get rid of him, but I feel like I have no choice. Im scared about going bed tonight incase he attacks me again. He doesnt like my dog, his ba...

One of my friends came yesterday, it wasn't planned, she just asked if I was in and that she was coming across. Did me good if im honest. Not really one to socialise, I force myself so I dont get stuck in this rabbit hole im in. Anyway, the couple of hours she was here did me good, we chatted and laughed. Ive got some good friends around me. Jesse's just gone with Damian so ive just jumped in the shower.  I feel ok today, grief isn't weighing me down, its there, but not as heavy today. I was meant be going meet a couple of friends today, but I really can't be bothered to leave the house. Im showered and in clean pjs. Jasper is sleeping over tonight, ill be in bed early ready for my alarms in the morning. I say alarms because I have to set more than one. Ive been getting up easier by setting numerous alarms from 6.30am-7.15am. Gradually waking myself up, its working and Jesse did a full week last week so ill carry on. I started watching The Mentalist yesterday on Netflix...

I still remember holding my dads hand as he took his last breath. He inhaled and his exhale was so slow and long, and then he was gone. I remember crying out loud shouting 'dad dad'. I was a mess. I stayed with my dad in hospital for the two nights he was in there. I didn't leave his bedside day and night. When everyone left after visiting, it was just me and my dad. I slept leant over his bed whilst my body was on a chair, if you get what I mean. I loved that man so much and I still do. I remember when the policeman told me they'd found my son dead and I just kept saying'it can't be my son'. My hands trembling as i tried to find Damian in my phone. I remember Damian answering the phone and I told him his son was dead. Ive never seen Damian get to my house as fast as he did. I miss my baby boy so much, its killing me. Today I have all of this going around in my head. They call it PTSD. I just want to end my life, im so done with living. Im in so much pain me...

Jesse has finally done a full week at school. Feeling proud of myself for forcing myself to get my arse out of bed every morning for a full week. Can't wait for a lie in tomorrow.  I'd say I feel deflated today, but ive felt like this since my dad passed away. 6 years next month since he died. Ive been suffering for nearly 6 years. So much has happened since he passed away. I had cancer 6 months after he died. Can you imagine that? Dad dies of cancer and 6 months after you have cancer. It broke me. Honestly thought I was going to die of cancer like my dad did.  Dad's partner, Sharon died. My step mum. She was only 52 years old. My dad was 55 years old. I had a breakdown after I went sober, and my son died. How im still standing I will never know. Ive only been the cafe a couple of times this week, Jesse takes himself so I dont see the point in me going everyday. Can't be bothered with the small talk and the fake smiles I have to wear. I am so fucking depressed.  Im so t...

Didn't go cafe this morning, not left the house today. Im lucky really that Jesse bikes to school and back independently, he has his own cash card which I put money on so he can buy himself snacks from the cafe. Im just not feeling life today. Jay-Dees canvas came earlier, which ive put up in my living room. I'll put the pic at the end. Broke my heart, im so heartbroken.  I was just sat thinking of everyone ive lost within the past 6 years and there's so many people gone who I loved. Alot of dads friends have passed away, who were my friends too. Life is just so cruel. I can't keep living like this, i need a break from life. Im sick of waking up in the morning and trying to pretend that im ok. Im sick of taking medication just to get through each day.  I need to find myself. Im so lost. My friends asked if we were meeting up tonight for a catch up, and ive declined. Just not in the mood for small talk and a fake smile. No thanks, I'll stay at home and be miserable b...

Sat in the cafe this morning feeling very deflated, but I smiled when anyone spoke to me, I agreed when things were said, but I wasn't fully there. My body was there, but my mind was elsewhere. Grief is heavy today. I miss my dad and son so much. I could cry. Life was never meant to be this way. I feel so sad inside, i have a couple of "better" days, then boom, grief hits me like a brick. Im tired, im so tired of pretending that im ok. People haven't got a clue what im going through mentally. Im drowning, even on them better days im still drowning. My head is literally above water.  My body feels heavy, like ive got the weight of the world on my shoulders. My heart aches inside my body. I just want to sleep my days away, but I have to be a mum. Ive got cook a spag bol for tea and ive got no energy, but ill cook it because im a mum and my kids need feeding. Im just so fed up of living this life. I looked at my medication earlier as I took my morning meds and I have eno...

Got up late this morning, forgot to set my bloody alarm. Rushed around, got Jesse dressed and off to school, which is good for me because usually when I wake up late I just let him have a day off. I waited for him to go in school at half 8, watched him on the tracker (life360) and then I went back bed. Had crazy dreams. I was at a gypsy wedding wearing an all in one tight white outfit and my front tooth was wobbly and hanging out of my mouth. What the hell haha.  I sent my mum a card Friday with that photo of Jay-Dee in the clouds and inside I just wrote "i love you mum". She's received it today and put it in a frame. I knew she'd frame it thats why I sent it to her. Just a small gesture of love.  I always tell my family I love them because if im honest, I dont know how long ive got left on earth. One day depression will take my life, I just know it. So say I love you when you have the chance. I tell my boys all the time I love them, im in a group chat with my boys an...

Today I have showered and washed my hair! Proud of myself. Had to force myself to do it, but its done. Ive done a french plait in my hair and ive got clean pjs on. Need to shower Jesse at some point today ready for school tomorrow.  The girls wanted meet up today, but I can't be bothered. Im just going to have a lazy day. When I say I think about my dad and son everyday, I dont think people understand the magnitude of it. They are literally on my mind all throughout the day, its so hard to deal with. Everything i do, i think to myself, dad would of done this, or Jay-Dee would of liked that. They're on my mind 24/7. Its destroying me. I dont get a break from my own brain. Im sat in my usual seat on the settee and across from me I see my dad and sons urns. I know they're both safe at home with me and that gives me some comfort.  Ive got a new canvas coming, ill post a pic of it at the end of my blog. One of Jay-Dees cousins did the picture, its of Jay-Dee in the clouds. Its b...

"I hope I live, before I die" This isn't living, im in survival mode. Everyday is a battle with my own mind. Wanting to die, but also wanting to live for my living children. Ive been dealt a really shit hand in life. Its been death after death after death. Ive lost so many people within the last 6 years. So many friends gone forever. My father and my son gone forever. What did I do so wrong to deserve all of this? I must of been really bad in a past life.. Apparently you keep coming back until youve learnt your lessons in life, i think this may be my last time on earth because by God have I learnt alot. I say it everyday, but I miss my dad and my son so much. Living without them is killing me slowly. The heartache I feel everyday is horrible. What id give to have just one more day with them both. Life is cruel.. If I hadnt got Jesse to look after and animals to feed, I swear id just rot in bed. I wouldnt bother with life.  The ONLY reason im still here, is because my kids...

Yesterday I accidentally scared my cat and hes not been right since. Hes been howling and hissing at us. Im scared to be in my own home. Ive never been so scared of anything in my life as I am at the moment with my cat. Will he go back to normal? Because im scared. His back goes up and hes howling and hissing. So scary. Ive had Jesse burning up through the night and ive slept with my dog in my arms so my cat doesnt attack her. Im walking around my house with a spray water bottle to spray the cat with if he starts howling at hissing at me. Bad times! Two of the boys friends have knocked on this morning with a bunch of roses for me. How lovely of them, really cheered me up. Jay-Dees birthday really knocked me on my bum, I slept the whole day away. I was so down and depressed. Damian said he spent the day in bed too. It was a hard day to get through.  Feel a bit better today. Still sad, but im ok. I think my brother is coming today for a few hours, was meant be going my sisters with t...

9.05am, I feel like im filled with sadness this morning. My first born son should be turning 24 today. I miss him so much, my heart hurts. I feel so deflated, i could cry. I decided not go school today, I was in two minds as to whether I should go or not and I decided to stay at home. Really not in the mood for small talk today. Just going to spend the day alone thinking of my son. I got to be his mum for 21 years and for that i am so grateful. God had other plans for him. His time on earth was over and now he is my angel in the stars. The Little Boy Made For Me In The Stars, lyrics from his funeral song.  I know his soul is still with me along with my dad's. Im heartbroken. They both had so much more life to live.  Im so tired today, feel like ive not slept, im so drained. After Jesse finishes school we're going the crem to put flowers on Jay-Dees flower bed.  Jesse starts Fusion tonight at school so need be back for 5pm. Fusion is a club at school for year 6 pupils. Lik...

Feel so heartbroken, been to buy my son in heaven a birthday cake. Absolutely breaks my heart. He should be turning 24 tomorrow and hes not here. I just want to scream out loud. Hope hes safe with my dad. I pray they're together in heaven. I wont be doing the school run in the morning, Jesse will take himself. He does every morning and then I go the cafe see my friends. I just know i wont feel like seeing my friend's tomorrow. Its going to be a hard day. Jensen will take me to buy flowers and we'll go the crem after school so Jesse can come too. My baby boys birthday and hes not here to celebrate with us. Honestly, im heartbroken.  I feel like I can't go on, I dont want to keep living without my father and son. Its painful. My heart feels heavy in my chest.  Birthdays, death day, Christmas, they all break my heart that my dad and son are no longer here. I dont want to celebrate these days, I just want to lie in bed and sleep the days away. Jensen wanted me go the dentis...

I feel so blessed that my older boys still want to do things with me as they get older. We've been to the Vue today to watch Resident Evil. Just feel blessed. Really good movie by the way. Went Asda just on the way home and I brought some egg custards, made me think about my dad. When he couldnt swallow his food because of the Esophageal cancer, he would eat the filling out of them because it was easier to swallow. I miss my dad. Jay-Dees birthday on Wednesday and I already feel low thinking about it. Myself and his brothers will take flowers the crem. I'll buy him a birthday cake tomorrow and we'll celebrate his birthday, even though we'll all be sad. He should be turning 24. My heart aches. His best mate Brad, who's birthday was yesterday went to Budapest and it made me so sad because Jay-Dee would of been there with him. I could cry. Brought stuff to make a chilli for tea, Jay-Dees favourite meal :(  I miss my dad and son so much.   

Jay-Dees best mates birthday today, seen him make a birthday tiktok loving life and it just made my heart sink knowing my son isn't here anymore. Jay-Dee will be 24 on Wednesday. We'll be going to his flower bed at the crem to lay flowers, ill buy him a cake, like I always do and it'll be a sad day for me. Everyday is a sad day, but birthdays are hard. He should be here celebrating with his mates, because brads birthday is today and Jay-Dees is on Wednesday they'd always have joint birthday celebrations with all their mates. Life is so cruel. I miss my baby so much. I feel so sad today, Brad's birthday has triggered my grief today.  My heart feels heavy with sadness. You can feel ok one minute and then the slightest thing can trigger grief.  God i miss my dad and son so much.

Ended up going out last night and so glad I did, had a lovely night. Michael Jackson tribute show was brilliant. Didn't get home till about 11pm ish and had to take my night time meds that I usually take at 6pm. Was wide awake till 1am ish and i feel like shit today. Im usually in bed for 9pm and asleep by 10pm, so im tired today. Not use to having a late night, was worth it though and I dont do it very often. A couple of my mates were drinking and I watched how they went from being sober to half cut and I just thanked God that im sober.  Woke up with a banging headache, must be because I took my medication that late. Felt like id been drinking, its easing off now as the day goes by. Cost me £7 for a J20 and a can of Fanta. Day light robbery haha. Jesse's been out today on a bike ride with his friend. Was so nervous about letting him go, but he was fine and I tracked him on life360.  Now hes in year 6 he can start going the youth club at his school on a Wednesday night. 5.30pm...

I accept the fact that i will be sad forever, because grief is love with nowhere to go. I will miss my dad and son until I see them again, and thats ok. They were a massive part of my life and I love them so much. So if that means im sad for the rest of my life, then im ok with that.  Nothing can bring them back and the sadness i feel inside reminds me that they were real and how much I loved them. I hate that im going through this, but what can I do? Nothing, there's nothing i can do to make the situation any better. So ive got to come to terms with the fact that i will be sad forever.  Even when i experience some sort of happiness, im still sad. I still think to myself, my dad or Jay-Dee would of loved this, or I wish my dad and son could see this. Its just the way grief controls my brain. Grieving is apart of my life now and nothing I do will ever take away the pain I feel inside.  Their lives ended because their missions were complete and God needed them back.  I...

Today i showered, washed my hair and then ive dried and straightened it ready to go out tomorrow night. So nervous about going out because I dont have the energy my friends do. They'll be singing and dancing, just hope i do too. Im so nervous about going out, but I know ill be fine with my friends. I think there's 7 of us going so it should be a good night. Ive not felt too bad today, Jesse didn't go school till half 10 because we slept in, but at least he went in. So proud of myself for doing my hair, you all know how much I hate my hair, but now its done I like it. Glad I had my roots done. Did all my washing today, dried and folded it all. Im having a better day, thank God. Just waiting for Jasper come across and thats it for today.

"Some times you feel like you want to disappear, but really, all you want is to be found". That quote made me think. I just want someone to understand how i feel. My psychiatrist doesnt know what to do with me and the medication is only keeping my head above water. I know that grief is love and thats why im grieving so badly, because i really loved my dad and my child. I know they're not coming back, so why can't I just come to terms with that? Why am I in so much pain mentally?  I love hard and thats why their deaths have really affected me. I love them both so much, its hurts. Its the ages that they died too, 21 and 55. They had so much more life to live. It kills me inside.  Jay-Dee was a month away from becoming a qualified brick layer. He was at the end of his apprenticeship. My dad was Jesse's bestie, he died when Jesse was 4. Its tragic. Ive got to live the rest of my life with this grief, and thats ok, because it means they'll always live on through me...