Cancer, Depression and Me.

Having the best time on this holiday with 2 of my boys, tried my best to be happy, but ive just gone on Facebook and seen all Jay-Dees friends are in Ibiza, absolutely gutted because I know Jay-Dee should be there with them all. Breaks my heart. Just said to Jasper that its gutted me. Ill never understand why my son took his own life and it kills me everyday. I feel guilty for being on holiday when my son is dead, but ive got to carry on for my other boys. Life just keeps on going.  My father and son are dead and the world didn't stop even for a second. It just kept turning like nothing had happened. Its like my whole world stopped, but everyone else just carried on with their lives.  Feel like screaming, my father and son are dead!!  Just got to keep going haven't i.. We check out at 12pm tomorrow then got wait around till 00:25am to be picked up for the airport. Can't wait get home now. I miss Jensen and I miss my pets so much. Literally after I finished blogging, I saw...

Im so burnt, ive got blisters ontop of my burn. Been covered up since yesterday. Factor 50 clearly doesnt work. Jasper's started to get blisters too. Jesse's complaining that his shoulders are hurting him. Made him go in the pool today with a t shirt on to keep him covered. I just keep applying suncream to us all.  Day 4 no vape, I would give my right arm for a vape right about now haha. I can do this!!  Im missing Jensen, I need to get him a gift to take home. He always buys me a gift when ge goes on holiday.  I still think about my dad and Jay-Dee even though im on holiday. Grief doesnt go away. If only they were still here. I miss them both so much.  Bet Jay-Dee and my dad would of booked up for this holiday and come with us. We're booking up with Jensen when we get back for next year's holiday,  so that'll be nice. Grateful for my living children, but by god do I miss my son.

I made it to Magaluf, yayyyyy! Yesterday was 2 years since Jay-Dees funeral, thats why I booked the holiday for the 1st of July. I knew it would occupy my mind, which it did. A wave of sadness hit me yesterday, just like it has today, thinking of what could of been. My sons life was cut short and ive got to live with that for the rest of my life, but ive had an amazing day today,  we've had a day by the pool and the water park. Seeing Jasper and Jesse with smiles on their faces fills me with joy. Im so proud of myself for booking this holiday a year ago and now we're finally here. Im having the best time. Also, im so burnt and before you say anything, ive been wearing factor 50 and im still burnt. The sun has been shinning all day, its been beautiful. Its 4.40pm now, we're an hour infront. The boys are still in the pool and im going down to them now. Just took 10 minutes out to blog.  See you tomorrow. 

Im grieving and I go on holiday tomorrow and ive got to try and be happy for my boys. Im dreading it.  Grief has completely changed me as a person. Im sad all the time, I struggle to find happiness in the day. Most days I wish I was dead. Living is hard work. Ive had to learn to live again since the death of my father and son. I take that much medication everyday just to survive, its sickening.  Im just not a happy person anymore and its so sad, but from tomorrow for a whole week ive got to try and be happy to be on holiday.  Im a grieving daughter and a grieving mother. Grief is heavy today. I miss my father and son so much. Im so nervous about going on holiday tomorrow. Ive just been the post office to get some Euros. Haven't got the energy for a holiday. Just want to lie in bed and sleep. I know ill be fine once I get there, I hope so anyway.  Everything is packed, I still haven't bathed and shaved fuck sake, got do that later. Its a chore being a woman.  Any...

Packed mine and Jesse's holiday stuff today. We're only taking hand luggage because we're only away for 6 days. Weve got plenty to take and it fits in our hand luggage bags perfectly. That way we dont have to check anything in at the airport, straight to security. Ive just shaved my legs and sliced one of them open fuck sake. Ive put a plaster on and the blood is seeping through. Made a right mess of my leg, just in time for holiday, perfect!. 3 days to go. This time next week ill be sat by the pool catching some rays of sunshine. From booking it last year, its come around so fast. Im excited and nervous.  Was going go see my friends today, but ive cancelled. Decided do my packing instead. Ive not changed any money, im just going pay on my phone for things. Do I need tell the bank im going away? Will my card get frozen? I didn't think about that. Im just over thinking everything. Im nervous. Like I said its been a few years since ive been abroad. Im sure ill be fine wit...

Jesse's gone for a sleepover at Damians and they're all watching the match later together. Kick off isn't till 10pm, ill be asleep by then. Done my back garden today, tried the strimmer out in the house, didn't realise it was facing my foot and cut my toe open with the wire. That'll teach me. Was listening to music earlier on YouTube on the tv whilst the boys were on their vr headsets. Listened to Jay-Dees favourite song and a few of my dad's songs. Hope they were with me as their songs played. Im drinking an energy drink and im tired, how does that even work.. Its 8:29pm and im ready get in bed and go sleep, but im sat downstairs with my fan on. Going take it up soon and put it facing me in bed. Due know, ive slept with a fan on at night for years and years, i can't sleep without the noise. Just thought id share that. 3 days to go then we go on holiday, I still need to shave everywhere and pack my clothes. Ive done nothing, I know ill end up doing it all Tu...

Grief is heavy today. Just sat picturing my sons smile and his face. I miss him terribly. I miss my dad. How cruel is life. There's nothing i can do to make grief any easier, ive just got to ride it out. (Sigh) I could cry today, but my medication wont allow it, so ill just sit feeling tearful.  Im quitting my vape. Ive got enough juice last me the day and then im done. Its costing me a fortune buying vape refills every few days, im waking through the night to vape. Its got to go, so today is the day. I did plan on quitting when I go on holiday anyway, so its just 5 days earlier. 5 days till we go away, excited and nervous. Not packed yet ill do that the night before. Going my sisters later for a few hours, looking forward to it. She's got a pool so ill be dipping my feet in it. My heart aches today for my dad and son, they had so much more life to live. Taken way too soon.

Can not cope with this heat. Been nipping in and out of the house all day, but its too hot for me. This time next week ill be sunning it up around a pool or even on the beach. Still anxious about going, but im a bit excited too. Looking forward to spending some quality time with Jasper and Jesse-John. Its going be nice. Absolutely dreading the airport, im scared of flying so god help me haha. Looking forward to it now its getting closer though. Im not doing too bad, mentally speaking. Ive had moments of sadness, but ive got through it. Didn't take Jesse school today. I woke up to take him, but I decided not to in this heat.  Ive not brought loads to take on holiday, just a few pairs of shorts and t shirts. Got do the dreaded bath and shave before I go. Everything is hairy haha been single that long ive not bothered shaving so you can imagine what im dealing with. Im dreading it! It's 8.24pm now and im lying in bed with my fan on watching tv with Jesse. Thank god its Friday tomo...

I'll be honest, ive not felt too bad the past couple of days. We all know this wont last though. Still think about my dad and son everyday, but im carrying grief better.  Going Hanley tomorrow with Jasper so I can go Primark to get some holiday clothes. We go away next week and ive got nothing to take with me. Talk about last minute. I only need some shorts and tops, that will do. My holiday is creeping up and im so anxious about it. Im just praying we'll be fine. I engaged in conversation this morning in the cafe with my friends. Im feeling alot better. Ill be honest, I haven't been taking my medication properly and the past week ive made myself take the correct dose of medication, could be why im feeling better. I wanted come off my medication because I just feel numb, but I clearly need it so im taking the correct dose again. Just done 2 lots of washing and got it all pegged out. Love being able hang my washing outside. Im getting old, its the little things haha. Anyway,...

Another Father's Day without my dad, never gets any easier. I miss that man so much it kills me inside. On a lighter note, I showered today and washed my hair. Go me! Went see my friend earlier, only stayed an hour. Really wasn't upto it. Yesterday went fast, went shopping with Jensen in his new car. He loves it bless him. Jasper went on a night out yesterday and didn't get in till 3.45am. Can't believe hes 18 now and going on nights out. I officially feel old!  My boys are all growing up so fast. My hay-fever is so bad these past few days, my eyes are all blood shot and irritable. I keep taking hay-fever tablets. I watched a drama yesterday called Tiptoe, it was about the gay community. It was brilliant, sad, but very good. Im sad today that its Father's day and my dad isn't here. Life's so unfair. Fuck you cancer!! Damian has asked the boys if they want watch the football later at his house and it just makes me feel so sad that Jay-Dee isn't here to do...

11 days and 22 hours until our holiday. Absolutely shitting myself!  Jensen brought a new car today, he had to get the train to Birmingham and then he drove back. He did have a Abarth, but it was costing him a fortune so he decided to sell it and get a different car. We went for a drive out in it earlier and went Costa coffee with Jasper and Jesse.  Love doing things with all my boys. Guts me that Jay-Dee isn't here anymore to do stuff with.  Ive just been sat staring at my digital photo frame and watching photos come on of my boys growing up. It breaks my heart that Jay-Dee is no longer here.  Father's day on Sunday and my heart aches for my dad. I miss him so much. I miss them both. Can't wait get into bed tonight and not have to set an alarm. I can't wait go sleep. Jasper's going home about 8pm ish and ill be getting in bed watch tv. I plan on taking Jesse to get his hair cut tomorrow and we'll nip Asda for snacks. Im not suicidal today, I wouldnt say no to d...

PTSD is something soldiers came home from war with and ive been diagnosed with it because of the death of my father and son. Everyday i relive their last day on earth. It haunts me. I dont know how to get better. Im struggling to live without my dad and son. I dream about my dad, well should I say, I have nightmares because hes always dying in my dreams. Hes always at the end of life with cancer. Its horrible. I just dont know how im meant to get "better". Im trying so hard to get on with life, but i just dont belong here anymore.  I sit with my friends and they're all laughing and joking and then there's just me sat there watching them all get on with their lives. Why can't I just get on with my life. Something in me changed the day my dad passed away. I died inside. He took part of me with him, and then my son took what was left of me when he died. I look at the world differently. I dont care about being alive anymore. I force myself to survive each day so I don...

Ok, i know my dad and son are both dead. Ive accepted that, but what now.. how do I live? What am I meant to be doing? How do I get out of this depression? How can I lift my mood?  All I want to do is sleep because im chronically depressed. I dont know how to help myself, im not sure how to live this life. I was sat in the cafe this morning with 7 of my friends, I looked around and everyone was chatting away and then there was me. I wore my smile and engaged in conversation now and again, but I just felt like I dont belong anywhere.  I honestly dont see the point in my existence. Im struggling with staying alive. I just want to die in my sleep. What a peaceful death that would be. Im always tired, I take multivitamins everyday, yet im still so tired. Tired of life is what it is. I miss my dad and son so much, its killing me inside. Their deaths have destroyed my life. Knowing my kids are struggling too makes me feel so sad that there's nothing i can do to make them feel better...

Been the doctors this morning with Jensen. I love how my boys still need their mum to do things with. He cried and said he was depressed after losing his brother. Some times I get so caught up in my own grief, that I forget they've all lost their big brother. Losing Jay-Dee has destroyed us all. The doctors have given him a sick note for a month and he wants to find a new job because he hates his job. I feel so sad for my boys. Jasper is struggling with his mental health and now Jensen. I think they both need therapy. I struggle everyday with losing my father and son, so god knows how my kids must feel. This is why I can't kill myself, it would just tip my boys over the edge.  Didn't take Jesse school yesterday, I got up brushed my teeth and decided to get back into bed. I felt so tired. Im still tired today, but ive taken him school. Doesn't matter how much sleep I have, I am always tired. I know its the depression. Ill be collecting my new medication tomorrow, im just...

Last night I could of killed myself, i obviously didn't, but Jensen and Jasper stayed over in Liverpool and Jesse stayed Damians the night. I could of just ended my life whilst my boys were all out. Instead, I ordered myself a curry and was asleep by half 9. I also didn't self harm. So proud of myself for fighting the urge.  Ive been thanking about joining the gym and walking there and back, but its quite far away from where I live. The weight ive gained from medication is adding to my depression. I dunno, it was just a thought.  My boys will be back about 3 or 4pm they said and Jesse will be back this afternoon, so im just sat with my animals.  Loved my early night last night, you can tell im old and dont drink anymore. I was happy to just get into bed and go sleep haha. Ill take this peaceful life over anything. My life might be a mess because of my depression, but its better than it use to be since I went sober. I use to wake up after a night out either in a police cel...

I want to self harm so bad, i just keep thinking of slicing my wrists and I dont know why. Mental health is no joke, im really struggling. The thoughts about self harming are driving me insane, I can just imagine the relief ill feel once ive cut my wrists. Im not going to do it, ill fight the urge no matter how hard it gets.  Im wondering if its because the boys are going Liverpool overnight? Said to Jasper, the last time one of my children went to Liverpool they never came home. Ive told him no drugs and to stay with everyone who's going.  Im dreading them going. My sister invited me hers today for a bbq with my mum and my sisters bf, but ive declined the invite. Im just not in the right head space to socialise.  The boys go at 2pm and I said to Jesse we'll get an early night with a take away in bed. My perfect Saturday night. I know im going have a shit sleep because ill be worrying about the boys. Ill be messaging them throughout the day and night to make sure they're ...

Jasper is 18 today. Feel like ive blinked and hes 18. Crazy. I brought him a chocolate cake, but apparently hes never like chocolate cake haha, so went out and brought a normal cake with jam in. Hes happy now.  Hes going Liverpool tomorrow night for a night out and staying over night. Im absolutely dreading it because Jay-Dee went Liverpool for a night out and died there. Jensen is going too with them all and hes sensible, so im hoping they all have a good night. Im going be worried all night until they get back home. After losing a child I worry more about losing another child. My boys are suffering with their mental health since Jay-Dee died, so it worries me. Didn't go the cafe this morning, couldnt be bothered to wear my smile. Ive done some cleaning today and washing and thats about it. Mental health is shit, sick of feeling the way I feel. Feel like there's no way out other than death. That's how shit depression is. Anyway, enjoy your Friday what ever youre doing.

Was thinking about writing a suicide note to my boys, just incase depression gets the better of my one day. I'd hate to just die and them not knowing how much I loved them. I mean, I tell them everyday that I love them, and the last thing I want to do is kill myself, but what if it all gets too much one day and I just end it all? I fight everyday to live just for my boys. The only reason  im here is because of them. Im so tired all the time, all I ever want to do is go to bed and sleep. If I didn't have Jesse that needed me to do things, I think id just lie in bed all the time and die there.  Jasper is 18 tomorrow, so ive just blown balloons up and put banners up ready for when hes back from Berlin. Ive been and brought him a cake with candles, I might be depressed, but I still show up for my boys and ill keep showing up until my body gives up. I dont want to die, but I dont want to keep living like this. Im so depressed. Its been raining non stop today, got soaked on the scho...

Saw a tiktok that said "we're not home, we're just experiencing this life. We go home when we die". Really made me think. My dad and son are home, their journey on earth came to an end and they're back home. Gives me some comfort hearing that. We're a soul borrowing a body whilst we experience life on earth. I can't wait to go home to my dad and son. Some times I feel like I was meant to see certain tiktoks about death. I dunno, some times I think i may be losing my mind at the same time.  The drs have rang me today, they've finally received my prescription from my psychiatrist. Only took a couple of weeks.. let's hope the new medication along with what im already on makes me feel a bit better.  Just brought the Michael Jackson movie on Paramount+ for £20. Saw it at the cinema and had to buy it. Going watch it later with Jesse-John.  One more night then my boys are home from Berlin. Can't wait to see them both.  Stayed longer at the cafe this m...

Ive just showered and washed my hair!! So proud of myself. I know its something that should be done nearly everyday, but depression ruins you. I get that low that a shower doesnt even cross my mind. Feel like im winning today after my shower. Jesse is in school, I went the cafe see my friends. I sat there and tried to join in with conversations, but I just wanted to go home. I just felt like I didn't fit in. They were all smiling and happy and then there was me, sat watching the rain fall. I am trying, but im struggling. Jensen and Jasper arrived in Berlin a few hours ago. Hope they have the best time on their little holiday. My holiday is fast approaching and im dreading it. Honestly wish id never of booked it. What was I thinking? I was thinking id be in a better place mentally, but im not. Anyway, so proud of myself for showering and washing my hair. You know how much I hate washing my hair..  Ive done a load of washing thats now in the dryer, ill fold it all when its dry. Its j...