Cancer, Depression and Me.

Jasper's just had his braces fitted. He just smiled at me and I saw Jay-Dee. He looks so much like him. Miss Jay-Dee and my dad so much. It hurts my heart that they're no longer here with me. Im sad today. January is finally over. Thank god. Spring is around the corner. Im 4 years and 1 month sober. Thank you Jesus. I pray for strength and ive made it through the first month of the year. I can do this. Im stronger than I think. Today's just a bad day. Tomorrow could be better and thats what im living for. The 'better days'. Im healing and its going to take some time, I need to stop being so hard on myself. Im drowning in grief, but somehow manage to stay afloat. I get my strength from my children and with the power of prayer. Thank god I have my faith to keep me sane. First thing I do now when im feeling down is pray. You might think im crazy and I probably am, but prayer helps me and thats the main thing. Anyway, going back to Jasper. Hes just had his braces fitted...

So, i unblocked Natalie this morning. She's sorry, blah blah blah. Don't know what do about the situation. On one hand, I like the girl, but to speak to me like im shit isn't sitting well with me. Ive told her shes a red flag haha. Seriously though, what do I do? After speaking for a month, shes told me she loves me.. if thats not ringing alarm bells then nothing will ha. Ill just see what happens. Anyway, Jasper told me last night that hes depressed. So glad hes told me and felt comfortable enough to talk to me. Hes not been right since Jay-Dee passed away. Im ringing the doctors Monday morning to get an appointment. Im not about to lose another child thats for sure. Went the cafe this morning see my friends. My brother came earlier, so today hasn't been too bad mentally speaking. I mean, im sad as shit inside, but im coping better. I want to come off my Olanzopine, i dont feel a thing being on it. Im numb to life. Im scared to come off it because of how bad mentally I...

Had to block that girl ive been chatting to last night. Everything was fine. She said she was out having a drink, I thought fair enough, shes not drinking with me so I dont mind. But then she started speaking to me horrible, she was swearing at me. I said who do you think youre talking to and she said 'you' with an exclamation mark. If thats how she can speak to me a month into chatting, then can you imagine further on along the line. Ive worked too damn hard for the peaceful life I have now. No way is someone going speak to me like that. I blocked her on wattsapp and Facebook, then she blew my phone up with messages, so had to block her number too. Not going lie, im gutted, but im sorry im not being spoken to like im something on the bottom of your shoe. So anyway, thats the end of that. I give up. Maybe im just better off on my own. Haven't gone the cafe this morning, just wasn't feeling it. Im currently using stain remover on Jesses favourite blanket because he had a...

My dad and Jay-Dee are heavy on my heart today. Why is life so god damn cruel. I miss them both so much it really hurts. How will it be 2 years in June for Jay-Dee and 6 years November for my dad? Ive been mentally unwell for such a long time. My mental health goes way back to my teenage years, but when my dad died, something in me died that day too. Been struggling since. God I miss them. Why my son? My first born beautiful baby. 21 is no age to die. My dad was 55. Its just devastating. Going go see my mate later when shes finished work because I need to snap out of this dark mood im in. Jensen told me earlier before he went work, that he'll be getting an apartment in Manchester by the end of this year with his gf who currently lives in the USA. Feel a bit gutted that he'll be moving to Manchester. Ill hardly see him. Made me feel a bit low. Only want the best for him, but god I will miss him. Im writing today off as a shit day!

Once again I chose sleep over the school run. Ffs. Definitely going get a fine. Its just some days I wake up so drained. I got up and brushed my teeth and I saw how cosy Jesse was, so I climbed back into bed and cuddled up with him. Yes he sleeps with me. All my boys slept with me. Im making the most of it before he grows up and spends all his time locked away gaming in his bedroom. They're not little for long. Anyway, im still chatting to Natalie. Just need get over my anxiety so I can actually meet up with her. She's older than me. Think shes 46. My heads a complete mess. I enjoy chatting to her, but im also happy on my own. Well, im not happy, but you know what I mean. Im content with it just being me and the boys. Im finding it hard to let someone in. It'll happen one day. Brought a toastie machine yesterday. My brother and sister are always on about how good they are, so thought id buy one. Long story short, Jensen has taken 4 cheese and bean toasties work haha. Had to...

Its been a long day and now its nearly bed time. Thank god. Nipped see my friend earlier for a couple of hours. We always have a laugh when we're together. It does me good. Pushing myself to do more. Yes im still messaging Natalie. That's going good. Im hoping to overcome my anxiety so I can meet up with her. Ive asked God for so long to send me someone to love. Could it be Natalie? I guess we'll never know if i dont meet up with her haha. Can you believe its nearly February? Managed to dissociate the majority of January. Jasper's going soon and then ill be getting in bed. Just absolutely love being asleep. I snore apparently. The boys say they can hear me from downstairs. How bad is that haha. My dad was a snorer. He was so loud. God I miss him so much. Just miss them both. How will it be 2 years in June for my son? How the fuck have I made it this far? Crazy! 6 years November for my dad. April 21st ill be 5 years cancer free. Which means I should be discharged from th...

Still messaging Natalie. Told her I have EUPD and im finding it hard to move on in life. Stuck in grief arent I, but she said we'll go at my pace. She's persistent ill give her that haha. We'll just see where it goes. If nothing happens, at least I made a new friend.. today consists of washing. Just hand washed 2 of Jensens jumpers. They're wool so im not risking shrinking them. I made that mistake a few months back with one of his expensive jumpers. I put it in the washer on a normal wash and it came out 10 sizes too small oops haha. Won't be doing that again. Jesse is sleeping Damians tonight, so myself, Jasper and Jensen are getting a Domino's pizza. Ill never be slim, but due know what? I could be dead tomorrow. You never know when your time could be up. Trying my best to live this life. Jesses in the bath making some 'experiments' as he calls it with all my shower gels. It'll keep him good half an hour. Went Rachaels last night to see her and Be...

Didn't go on my date last night. I couldnt go through with it. What's wrong with me?? Im scared to move on in life. I didn't message her all yesterday and shes messaged this morning. Ive told her I have EUPD (Emotionally unstable personality disorder). Wonder if thats why my mood is always up and down. One minute I want to meet her and the next I dont. What am I scared of? I just keep thinking im broken. Keep thinking im not good enough for anyone. God I could scream! I hate being alive. I hate participating in life. Im only here for my children. Why am I finding it so hard to let someone in? Anyway, thank god its Friday. Jesses sleeping Damians Saturday night so myself and Jasper are going to bath the dog and the kitten. We're going have a take away and ill find a movie. Looking forward to it. I absolutely love doing things with my boys. They really are my reason to live. Mental health is a bit shit, but thats nothing new. Im cooking minted lamb burgers with bacon on f...

Just sat thinking about the morning of my sons death. The police telling me he was dead. I remember saying "it cant be my son", as tears rolled from my eyes. My hands trembling as I searched for Damians number in my phone. I felt like someone had just punched me in my stomach. It haunts me. This is grief. This is my life. Ive been ok today and then out of nowhere, grief just smacks you in the face. Why did my son kill himself? A question i ask regularly. Ill never know what my son was thinking that morning, and that kills me inside. Why didn't he just ring me? God it kills me inside everyday. If its not Jay-Dees death I relive, I'll be reliving my dad's death. Living is torture. Death would be peaceful. Ill never have a quiet mind. There's always something going on in my head. Ive not got a quiet brain, there's always something going on. Sometimes I play song lyrics over and over in my head. Drives me insane. Date day tomorrow, its come round so fast. Yes,...

Jesse hasn't gone school, he woke me up about 6am running to the toilet to be sick. He hasn't actually been sick he just keeps going sick. Hes spent the day just lying on the settee and hes been in bed for the past hour and its only 6pm, so I know something is wrong with him. If hes not sick tonight he will have to go school tomorrow. Im meeting that girl Thursday at China Gardens. Bit nervous, but it can't hurt to go on a date. Anyway, ive felt like shit all day today. Got no energy. I just want to sleep my life away. Can't wait go bed. Life seriously needs to improve. Really need to lose weight, but I feel like im always hungry! Fucking hate having to be on medication. Fucking hate my life!! Fed up of having depression. Ive just got to remind myself of the better days. Its hard! Wonder when ill die, and i wonder how ill die. You ever think about it, or is it just me? Weird to think one day will be your last day, but you just dont know which day. Crazy isn't it. Gu...

Got up took Jesse school, sat on my bed at 7:15am and contemplated life. Woke Jesse up and got on with my day. Felt a bit shit today. Its been a long boring day and i can't wait go bed. Been to collect my medication. Jensen took me after he finished work. Depressing knowing i could be on medication for the rest of my just to stay afloat. Hate taking my meds, especially my morning meds. The size of the capsules makes me gag. Ive thrown up a few times trying to swallow them in the past. Its grim. I just know I need them and I shouldn't be ashamed of that, but I am. I wish I was some what normal. How nice it would be to live your life without having suicidal thoughts. Without walking and thinking of stepping into on coming traffic. You know what stops me? I always think to myself, i wouldnt die, i just be paralysed from the neck down or something. That's how unlucky I am. Just won't die! Still speaking to Natalie, we're meant be meeting this week, thats if I dont chick...

Can't be bothered with small talk, messaging this girl and I really can't be arsed with it. Feel like its me forcing conversations and its just not flowing for me. Maybe im just meant to be on my own because this dating shit is hard work. Feel a bit shit today mentally, ive been seen a couple of my friends, once again had to force myself so this house doesnt consume me. Can't wait go bed. Im tired. Was so nice last night climbing into fresh bedding. You can't beat it. Had myself a shower this morning, go me! Haha. Im just plodding on, living this painful life ive been given to live. Feel a bit fed up. Im forcing myself to chat to someone because I feel left out in the world, i feel like its what I should be doing to "fit in". In actual fact, I should probably stay alone until I learn to love myself. How can I possibly love anyone when I dont love me? Anyway, Jesses still out with Damian and im catching up on Love Island. Sad arent I? Im not going stress about ...

I was thinking last night about how ive turned my whole life around. From being a piss head and drinking everyday to being 4 years sober. Went out for a carvery last night with my brother, sister and the kids. It was lovely us all being together. Went back my sisters after for a few hours. Was a good night. I went to meet that girl ive been talking to, just to say hi and ive got to say, shes definitely my type, but we'll see where it goes. Ive messaged this morning but heard nothing back yet. So we'll see. But going back to how ive turned my life around, I think back to my old life when I drank alcohol and it disgusts me. So thankful im strong enough to stay sober. I wish Jay-Dee and my dad could see me now. They'd be so proud of me. My boys are proud of me and thats what keeps me sober. Not doing anything today except washing. Going go strip my bedding i think. I was reliving the days upto my dad's death last night. It was horrible. Told you grief just sneaks up on you...

Just sat thinking of my son stepping off the 17th floor of a multistory car park.. thats grief. Ive been fine all day and then, boom! Hits me all over again. Visions in my head torture me. Grief is very sneaky. He died instantly, thank God. He wasn't suffering and in pain. My heart aches. Can't even describe how im feeling. Got a dull ache in the pit of my stomach. Waves of nausea keep passing through my body. Grief is horrible. This is the reality of my life. I will be grieving forever. A grieving daughter and a grieving mother.. I miss my father and son so much. Today is a shit day. Jesses nearly done a full week. Ive been forcing myself to take him. My brother booked a table for tomorrow afternoon at Brindley Farm. Well, 4:30pm. Myself, my sister, her kids and my kids, we're all meeting up for a birthday carvery for mine and Athenas birthday and my brother is paying for everyone. Looking forward to it. Then we're going back my sisters for a few hours. Can't stay ...

Been to meet my sister this morning in Hanley. I had £50 Primark gift card off Damian for my birthday and i thought to myself ill buy new pjs and underwear. Im definitely getting old. You know what, ive not felt too bad the past few days. Trying to have a positive outlook on life. Trying to be more grateful for what I have. Trying to grieve and live at the same time. God its hard work. Im trying and thats the main thing. Dead nervous about Thursday, date day.. keeping thinking of not going. Am I rushing myself? Will I regret it of i dont go? Im just nervous i think. Ill see how i feel come Thursday. Ive gotten to comfortable being alone. Which isn't a bad thing, but some times I get lonely and would like the company. I guess i could just go on the date and if I dont like her, ill just he honest with her. Shit man! Dating is hard. I dunno ill just see if I end up going. Jasper's just been to the Orthodontist, he's getting braces fitted the end of this month. Jensen has gone ...

Jesse, Jensen and Jasper have spent the day in Manchester with Damian. They've been shopping, playing bowling and then watch Man United play. Ive had the day to myself. Went my mums get my roots done because honestly, I'd let myself go. Came home, showered! And then I went to see my friends. Its 10 past 6 at night, ive just ordered myself a take away because the boys won't be back till 8ish. Absolutely loved having some me time. Really needed today, its give me a bit of a boost. Damian doesnt realise how much he helps my mental health when he has Jesse on a Sunday. Hes just the best! I was telling my mum earlier that I was worried I'd get dementia with how bad my memory is, and I said if I get it, just kill me because ive seen what dementia does. So anyway, she said she was thinking of when she gets old and I said, you're going in a home haha, she said no I bloody aren't, I said yes you are hahaha. She really is going in a home. Anyway, I was showing my mum my S...

Anyway, the messaging that girl I was on about? Well its back on. Im going the cinema on Thursday to meet her. I am shitting myself. Ive been alone for so long, I forgotten how to live. But anyway ill keep you updated on how that goes. So, im 42 today. I got dressed this morning, opened my cards. Opened my birthday cake last night because Jesse and myself was hungry haha.. so anyway, me and Jesse went Asda to buy everything to make tacos for tea. Jesse idea. To be fair i could of gotten a take away for less than tacos cost me to make, but due know what? Jensen was in the kitchen helping me. Jesse helped too. It was lovely. Went to see a few of my friends earlier. Its not been a bad day. Its another day closer to my death day. You didn't think I'd write a blog without getting morbid did you haha. Seriously though, its a day closer for real. Im sat in my pjs, eating cake. The fire is on, its all cosy. Jesses on the vr, Jasper's across from me and Jensen is in his room. All th...

I was telling the boys earlier about last night, and i said how I know it was my dad and they laughed at me. I bet they think ive lost my mind. Have I though? Can't help but think some times that I may of indeed lost my mind. Death can do that. It rewires your brain. I look at life differently, I have more empathy. I say i love you alot, I even randomly message it to my kids and family. I know first hand how short life can be. I was given a second chance when my cancer was cut away. A new sober Ann-Louise. Im stronger than I think. My friends came this morning to drop me some presents and a card off for my birthday tomorrow. I really have the best friends. 42 tomorrow and have zero will to live. I said to my mum earlier that I wished I was dead, she said we'll youre not, so cheer up. Oh thanks mum, that did the trick! Fucking idiot. Swear she doesnt think before she speaks. That was the end of the conversation. Im going mums Sunday to get my hair done. Jesse is going a Man Unit...

The strangest thing just happened. Literally, just happened. I was sat listening to chakra music and I was talking to my dad. I said did you send this girl im getting to know. Next thing my music changed to Ever Fallen In Love by FYC. I was like wow, ok. I listened to that then Dancing In The Dark by Bruce Springsteen, one of dad's songs started to play. Then I said it would be mad if Janet Jackson together again came on, I shit you not, it started to play. So I listened to it all and then Dad's funeral song started to play, Elvis Presley Burning Love. So I was like no fucking way, this has got to be my dad. Then James Bay came on, Hold Back The River. Dad's favourite song. I listened to it and as soon as it finished my chakra music started to play. If thats not a sign from my dad.. honestly, that was definitely my dad. Absolutely crazy. I just know in my heart that, that was a sign from my dad. I know you think im crazy, some times I think it too, but that was my dad's...

You know what ive just realised, sat having a conversation with Jesse and it hit me, how present i am as a parent. I sit with Jasper and Jensen and we have conversations. Getting sober changed me. Feel like i was given the chance to start over. Im a better person and a better parent. If I could go back and get sober sooner, I would. The bond i have with my kids since getting sober is unreal. We're all like best friends. So blessed to of birthed 4 amazing boys. Its hard not having Jay-Dee here, it'll kill me inside for the rest of my life and for him I will stay sober for as long as I can. I know Jay-Dee and my dad are proud of me, and so are my other 3 boys. I have to stay sober for them. Took Jesse school today. He held my hand all the way because of the ice. Little moments I cherish. Went the cafe see my friends, we just picked up where we left off. Went Asda and got some meat, so we've had pork dinner for tea. Was lovely. Glad I got out of the house today, did me good. T...