Cancer, Depression and Me.

I walked Asda this morning with a friend ive not seen in a while, he beat cancer which is amazing, and then he mentioned my cancer and how well I was doing considering ive lost my dad and son too. It just made me sad that people just think of the bad shit ive been through.  I use to be happier before all the trauma.  Im broken now, im just sat thinking about how depressed I am. When I think of everything ive been through, I stop and think how the hell am I still standing.. Im on alot of medication which keeps me afloat and I also get strength from my boys. My reasons to keep going. Its crazy to think i had cancer 5 years ago, 6 months after my dad died of cancer and I was forced into early menopause because of the surgery I had. Ever likely my heads fucked! Menopause, depression, grief, im really struggling with everything.  Wishing I was dead everyday, but refusing to kill myself, just hoping I naturally pass away. Its horrible. I hate my own brain. I should be thankful ...

Feel so overwhelmed with grief today, my heart is aching.  I was walking back from the school this morning talking to another mum, and she said shes got 4 girls, I said ive got 4 boys. She said how old is your eldest, I said hes 23. Didn't say he was dead, I just talked like he was still alive and then it hit me that ive not accepted his death. I speak about Jay-Dee like hes just at work and he'll be home tonight. Its just heartbreaking.  Technically he is 23, but he'll forever be 21. He'll be turning 24 the end of this month and next June will be 3 years since he died. Honestly dont know how im still standing. Im so tired, I dont mean sleepy, I mean drained. My soul is tired of fighting grief. Ive been grieving for years and its not getting any better.  It'll be 6 years in November since my dad passed away. I started grieving when my dad told me he had terminal cancer 19 months before he died. I remember when he told me, I felt like id been punched in my stomach. I...

I think about killing myself alot, but the pain i feel from losing my father and son, I could never pass that pain on to my children, my family or my friends. So as much as I think about it, I always think about them and what it would do to them.  As much as I long to see my dad and son again, I know ive got to wait until its my time to go. Im in a constant state of before and after, life and death. I had to start a new life after their deaths, a new life without them and as much as I want to die, I also want to live for my children.  Im living a real life nightmare. Its horrible and cruel.. Waking up this morning and getting Jesse ready for his first day in his last year of primary school and it hit me that if I killed myself, who would help him button up his shirt? Who would walk him to school? I kissed and hugged him before he went in and I said I love you so much, have the best first day. Its things like this that keep me going. So as much as id love to end it all, I have ...

Suicide awareness month and my heart breaks all over again. Its a month to remember those lost to suicide like my son and to those who are suicidal like myself.  I want to be alive for my boys, but I always have suicidal ideation. I welcome death with open arms, just so I can see my dad and son again. Im riddled with anxiety today about going back school tomorrow. Im so nervous about going and I dont know why. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Im so broken its unreal. I feel like i dont fit in anymore. Ive felt like this for years and its not getting better. I dont know how im still standing after losing my father and son. I honestly dont know how ive not killed myself already.  I think about death way more than I should do, its not normal how often I think about killing myself. Im seriously fucked in the head!  Tomorrow ill go the cafe and see my friends who ive not seen over the holidays and ill wear my fake smile, like everything is ok and deep down inside i just want t...

I was just sat thinking about when I told my dad, whilst he was battling cancer, that the funeral home wouldnt collect his body when he dies unless i had £1500 upfront and when my dad passed away, I found £1500 in money bags that he had sorted out for me. Breaks my heart. He had 2 lots of life insurance I had to sort out after id registered his death and then I had to plan his funeral. I remember everything from him dying to me sorting all of his bungalow out and his finances.  When my son died, luckily I had Damian to help with everything. Planning 2 funerals will stay with me forever. Its just heartbreaking.  I relive these things everyday, i guess thats the PTSD.. I could cry today, im so sad. I just want my dad and son back and I know its not possible. It kills me inside.  I was a daddy's girl through and through, I did everything with my dad. I saw him every single day. He was my drinking partner. One of the reasons I gave up alcohol after my dad passed away, drinkin...

Jensens 23rd birthday today, im trying to be happy for him, but my heart is aching. It aches for my father and son who are no longer here with me. Im so sad inside.  Jensens had £200 off myself and his dad, so hes not done too bad. I got him a little gift, its a glass jigsaw piece with a little verse on about how much I love having him as my son.  I love my boys so much, life is cruel taking one of them away from me. Two more days and ill be back to the school run, looking forward to getting back into a routine, but ive got anxiety about going. God knows why. Jesse's last year in primary school. Im dreading him going high school next year. Hes my baby, my last baby. Also, how long does the menopause last? Its been 5 years now and im still having hot sweats and really bad memory loss.. We've had chicken and stuffing buttered baps for tea, was so nice.  Now im sat thinking about how much I miss my dad and son. My dad would of made everything better for me, I use to tell my ...

I go to bed at night hoping that ill see my dad and my son in my sleep. I very rarely do and it breaks my heart. I hate being awake and having to participate in life, but i do for my kids. I keep living for them. If only they knew they were the only reason I keep going.  Ive realised that everything ive been through has broken me, but im a stronger person, if that makes sense. Ive got to be made of strong stuff to keep going. There are times when I just want to give up, but I push through. Them suicidal thoughts are no joke, they can be so overwhelming, but I fight through them for my boys. The ONLY reason i keep going is for my children or id of been dead years ago.

Got up early today because my brother took me get my medication and then he took me Asda to get a birthday cake and cards for Jensen, he'll be 23 on Sunday. Back home and back in my pjs. Ive got such a good brother, he does alot for me. Feel a bit better today, dont know if its because ive left the house or im just having a better day, but ill take it. Im still sad, but not as sad as yesterday if that makes sense. Still sat thinking about my dad and son. I think it will be this way until I die. Im always going to feel sad. Jay-Dees birthday next month, not looking forward to it, but ill buy him a cake and we'll celebrate his birthday like we always do. It'll be 6 years for my dad in November. Dont know honestly how ive survived the last 6 years. Im heartbroken. I miss my dad and son more than anything in the world. Got to keep living for my other children. That's what I tell myself when I have suicidal thoughts. I still find it hard to believe that my son took his own l...

Well ive woken up feeling so deflated. I fucking hate depression. Im just sat feeling so low. I just miss my dad and son so much. Its 11.50am ive been up about an hour and I could just go back sleep. Ive already had enough of today. God im so tired and drained. Its raining and I need go the shops. I still haven't collected my medication. Everything feels overwhelming. I just need to breathe.  I wish my son could of come to me and told me how he was feeling. Saying that, I only tell my blog how im feeling so I guess I can understand. I wish I could of saved him. I wish I could of saved my dad, why didn't I ask about clinical trials? I just wish id of done more. Why didn't I wake through the night to message Jay-Dee? Why didn't my body wake me up, where were my mother's instincts? I just hate that they're both dead. I hate having PTSD because I just keep reliving everything, every day. I hate having EUPD because I just can't keep up with the changes in my mood...

Finally come out of my depressive state i was in, still not feeling fantastic, but i feel better. Ive had a long phone call with one of my friends, ive been out to cut my hedges with Jesse. Ive actually styled my hair today. Im feeling so much better. Thank God.  Jasper hasn't gone for his first day at work, think his nerves took over. I feel for him, its a big change going to work for the first time. Not sure what hes going to do now. He could do with a job doing nights because hes up all night and sleeps all day. Ive just started watching a new series on Netflix called Death Of The Pastors Wife and thats my day today.  Jesse's on his ps5 and Jensen is asleep. Its 2.40pm. Absolutely killed me getting up at 8am today to wake Jasper up so god help me next week when its back to school and my alarm will be set for 7am. Can't wait get back to a routine though. Thank god my mental health has improved, I literally thought i was going to kill myself this past week. Mental health i...

Finally showered and washed my hair. Forced myself to do it today. Feeling a bit better today. Taken my dog for a little walk, a bit of fresh air did me good. Its 9.05pm and im sat here thinking about when the police officer told me my son was dead. Still doesnt seem real. Keep hoping to wake up from this nightmare im living. Why my son? Ill never understand. Why my dad? I question my faith some times because, why did God let this happen? Keep telling myself hes got a plan for me, but im tired of waiting for something good to come from all this. Why did I have cancer and survive when it killed my father? So many whys.  Anyway, got be up at 8am tomorrow to wake Jasper up. Its his first day at work tomorrow. Ive told him, if he doesnt like it, come home. Life's too short to stay in a shitty job. Hes nervous and im nervous for him. Hes only 18, hes still my baby. Jensen is 23 on Sunday and then him and Jay-Dee are always the same age for 30 days until Jay-Dee turns 24 the end of next ...

Ive just taken my dog on a walk before this house consumes me. Needed to get out. Jesse came with me so I wasn't on my own. How am I feeling? I dont really know. I feel a bit numb to life. Ive still not showered, but ive walked my dog, so thats a start. I just feel so depressed all the time. I know it will do me good when im back doing the school run and nipping Asda for stuff for tea. I need to go get my medication at some point this week. Its Jensens birthday this weekend and im broke. Feel overwhelmed with life. I dont fit in anymore. Is my purpose just to be a mum? Why did my dad die of cancer? Why did my son kill himself? Its all that ever goes around in my head. Its draining. Im mentally exhausted. I just want to sleep my days away, im so tired. Proud of myself for taking my dog out though, its a step in the right direction. Just got to keep going, regardless of how im feeling. Have to keep telling myself that my boys need me. It keeps me going. Done some washing today and pe...

Didn't shower yesterday like I said i was going to, I honestly dont know when I last showered. My hair is a mess, its desperate to be washed. Im in such a depressive state, im so low its unreal. The main thing is that im still alive. The goal is to live, im sure ill get the energy to shower at some point. Its killing me getting out of bed in the morning, I just dont want to face life. I saw a tiktok earlier that said "10 years on earth, is 1 hour in heaven. Ill see you in the morning". Oh how I hope that is true and my dad and son are waiting for me. Death can't come quick enough, im so desperate to see my father and son again. Im so heartbroken. My friend, Tom has asked if I want go out for food Tuesday, ive said yes, dont really want to go out, but I will. I know it will do me good. I feel so drained by life. I just want to sleep all the time. Jasper will be here soon, hes sleeping tonight. I always feel a bit better when my boys are with me. Jensen im hoping will b...

Can't seem to snap myself out of how im feeling. Its been over a week now and i dont feel any better. I am so depressed. Didn't want to get up this morning, but Jesse wanted his breakfast and i needed to feed my animals. I desperately need to shower, but i just feel so drained. Ive got no energy do anything. I honestly wish I was dead. Ive got nothing inside of me, im so tired. Is the end coming? Ive given up on life, im trying so hard. Im finding no happiness in being alive. I know ive got to keep going for my boys, but I am so tired. Haven't even taken my morning medication yet, its 12.52pm. Need to force myself take them. Im going to force myself at some point today to get a shower and wash my hair. I can't keep living like this, this isn't living, this is surviving. 

I dont think i could feel any lower than I feel. Ive got dressed and took Jasper to his job interview, which he got. I went to collect my glasses from Boots. Got some shower gels from pound land and the whole time I felt like I was dying. Ive got nothing in me, but I keep showing up. I have hit rock bottom and no one would know. I feel sick, can depression do that? Im empty inside. Haven't even got the energy to blog, so ill see you tomorrow. 

2 of my friends came to visit me today for a few hours. I was going to cancel, but I didn't. I needed to feel normal, even if it was only a few hours. I ended up having a breakdown and crying. I told them how depressed I am and how suicidal I feel. I was crying that badly that I could barely talk. I told them how bad my depression has been this past week and how much I want to end it all, but I couldnt bare to leave my children. I just got everything off my chest about how ive been feeling. They were so supportive and caring. I said about how ive thought about taking all my tablets one night before bed and not waking up, about how ive thought about hanging myself or jumping off the bridge in Hanley. I just got everything off my chest. I needed to tell someone about how bad im feeling. I literally broke my heart. I reassured them that I couldnt leave my kids. I couldnt bare my kids to feel the way I feel about losing a parent. I told my friends that I was already grieving my dad and...

Felt so low for a while now and can't seem to snap out of it. Thought id blogged yesterday, but I must of forgot. I can't seem to come to terms with the death of my father and son. I know they're dead, so why can't I deal with it. What am I doing wrong? In 3 months it will be 6 years since I lost my dad. Ive been grieving for years and years, and then I lost my son. Its been over 2 years since he killed himself and I just can't come to terms with losing them both. I see other people who have lost people they love and they're still living their life. I feel like my life has stopped and everyone around me is living. I dont know what to do to make things better.  Ive forced myself to get dressed today and have a walk to Heron with Jesse to get some pop and snacks in. We did taxi back though. Was nice to get some fresh air. I was having a hot sweat at the till and the lady said shes been having them for 8 years. Couldn't be bothered to tell her ive been going th...

As i sit here and think to myself, I can't do this anymore, I realise I have no choice. I am so depressed and suicidal. Im so fed up of feeling this way. I just dont see a way out other than death. I dont see a light at the end of this tunnel im stuck in. I dont see myself in the future. I just can't do this anymore. Im so tired of fighting for my life. Its draining me. Its 3.06pm, im still sat in my pjs. Ive hoovered around, ive polished my sons urn and my heart broke. Im really struggling with life. I just want to cry, but I hold it together for my kids. If only they knew how much I was struggling. I could just get into bed and sleep. Jensen asked me if I wanted go KFC drive through with him, ive said yes, but im going in my pjs. Ive got zero motivation to do anything, I have to force myself to do things.  Im broke, I have no money to do anything with its depressing. Life is just shit and ive had all I can take. I wish my boys would just let me go and be ok with it, but thats...

I hand on heart dont know how i get through each day. Im drowning in grief. I feel like i can't do this anymore. Im heartbroken. The days are passing me by and my grief is getting worse. I miss them more and more as the days go on. Ive got no motivation. Jesse has gone Chester Zoo and I was meant be meeting a friend, but ive got zero motivation. Im still sat in my pjs and its 3.45pm. Im so tired, I could just get into bed. I just need some time alone to gather my thoughts, I need a few days in bed to just lie there. I need to sit in a room by myself and just breathe. Can't do any of that though because of the boys and my animals. I guess its a blessing really because it forces me to get up.  I wish I could tell you how I feel inside, but its just numb. I want to scream at the world for taking my dad and son from me. I want to cry, but I have to stay strong for my boys.  To look at me you wouldnt know that I was dead inside. I smile and talk like im fine, but im not. Im far fro...

Spent the whole day thinking about my father and son and how much i miss them both, looking at photos and videos of the both of them. Im so heartbroken. My dad was my best friend and my son was my protector.  They say death changes you as a person, to lose two people you love really has changed me. Ive become quiet, an introvert you could say. I keep myself to myself. I have sober friends now, im a Christian. I pray for strength everyday. I listen to music lyrics, like, I hear what they're saying. I say i love you to my friends and family every single day. Im the most depressed ive ever been in my life.  Death didn't just change me, it flipped my world upside down. Im a broken woman learning to live this life like its my first time on earth. Everything feels new to me, I get scared of going to the shop on my own, death gave me anxiety amongst everything else. Im never going to feel peace until im dead. Until im reunited with me father and son. My world is dark, everything feel...