Cancer, Depression and Me.

Sat with my eyes closed telling myself in my head that im not ok. I can't remember the last time I was ok. Myself and Jesse are dressed and ready to go my sisters for a bbq, but I wish I was lying in bed. Im so tired of being alive. Ill put a smile on my face and act like im ok, but im dead inside. Tired of pretending to be ok. Its draining me. Im so tired, mentally and physically. I just want to get into bed and stay there forever, but I can't.. anyway, off to the bbq I go.

Feel deflated today, ive got no go in me. Don't want leave the house, but dont want be stuck in the house. Welcome to my brain. Doesn't know what it wants! Can't afford to go out even if i wanted to. Had Iceland delivered so I dont have to go the shops. Roll on tomorrow, bbq at my sisters with the family. Im so heartbroken its unreal. My heart aches for what ive lost. My head is a mess. I feel so isolated. Can't be bothered to go see my friends. Ive just got no go in me. This is depression and grief. Im screaming inside for the life that ive lost. The me before all this tragedy happened. I know I can't go back because I dont belong there anymore. Im sober now, im on a new journey to find me again. Grief is a lonely road to be on. Didn't want to get out of bed this morning, had to get up though to feed my animals. Ive not showered for a few days and my hair hasn't been washed for about a week. Im just sat in my pjs wishing the day would just pass me by. Ill b...

Gutted me not buying Jay-Dee an easter egg when I brought his brothers one. Its the little things that hurt the most. Im watching something called The Cleaning Lady on Netflix and there's a man in it called Jay-Dee. Thought I was hearing things at first, but the more the name was said I realised he was actually called Jay-Dee. How crazy is that. Ive stripped Jesse's bed and washed his bottom sheet. Ive binned his quilt cover because ive brought him a new coverless duvet to put on. Im getting him back into his own bed, i want my bed back. He slept in his own room last night, so i thought it was time to make it all cosy for him with new bedding. Ive got no plans for today, just watching this on Netflix and have a chilled out day eating chocolate. Its my nephews birthday Tuesday and my sister is doing a bbq so that will be nice, just hope the weather is nice for it. Its currently hailing and raining, it looks miserable outside. Ive just put my heating on because im freezing. Dream...

Been questioning my sobriety and why im even sober, so i reached out to my brother and sister on our group chat. My sister said i would spiral and that I self harm when im drunk and that I also wouldnt stop at one drink. I needed to hear them words because they're all true. Its only 11am and i feel sad that my dad and son are no longer here with me. Just been looking at the canvases on my stairs of my dad and son and my heart sank. I can't tell you how much I miss them both. Its hurts my heart. Why am I questioning my sobriety? Maybe because I feel like i dont fit in and I did when I was drinking. I dont drink, I quit the weed about 8 weeks ago, I dont smoke, I dont do drugs, I literally vape thats it and im giving that up when I go on holiday. I thought it would be a good time to quit, not buying one when im away. I tried to kill myself so many times in drink which is why I got sober. My kids are proud of me so why am I questioning it?! I dunno, im just having one of those day...

Been out today with Jesse to meet my sister and niece, Athena. Was nice to see them both. We went Costa and for myself and Jesse to have a bottle of Oasis, it cost nearly £6.. £6 for 2 bottles of pop. Absolutely ridiculous, yes I brought them as we were thirsty, but to then go in Poundland and they're a £1. Disgusting. Anyway, went Primark and brought some more new pjs. I have more pjs than I do clothes, but they're all covered in little holes where my cat claws the fuck out of my legs. Hes only 5 months old so im hoping he grows out of it because he can be quite pevish haha. Went round a few shops, got some bits from Iceland and came home. Straight into my new pjs haha. Was looking at the holiday stuff in Primark which ill have to start buying soon because our holiday to Magaluf is fast approaching. Im honestly dreading it. Ill be ok when we arrive, im just panicking about the airport and finding our transfers when we arrive. I have to keep telling myself ill be ok. Just had c...

March went by fast, I find that I dissociate alot and the months just pass me by. Jesse has just got home from his sleepover and cinema morning with Damian. He gave me a big hug and said he missed me. This is why I keep living. Its the little things that make a massive difference. That hug saved my life. My boys dont realise how much they save me everyday. Its 1:22pm and im still in my pjs. Had the laziest morning with Jesse not being here. Trying to be positive today and thankful. I try everyday to be as positive as I possibly can, but some days are so heavy. I struggle most days, so im always thankful for the "better" days. Myself and Jesse are meeting up with my sister and her kids tomorrow for hot chocolates, which will be nice. Im just doing a load of washing and im making a pasta bake for tea. Last night it was just me and Jensen in the house, so we had a cheeky take away. I had omelette and chips. Was so nice. I love an omelette from the take away, always taste better ...

I was thinking earlier about the fact that my son went and got a hair cut just before travelling to the rave in Liverpool. Why would you bother getting your hair cut if you planned on killing yourself? You wouldnt! Why did he kill himself? It's killing me. What must of been going through my sons head early hours that Sunday morning? Oh god, it honestly kills me inside thinking about it all. Grief is killing me. I had 19 months with my dad watching him deteriorate because cancer starved him to death and it still doesnt feel real that hes gone forever. Grief will be the death of me, that or the depression. Im not coping with my father and sons death and im not sure what im meant to do about it. Chucking medication at me isn't working. Group trauma therapy didn't work. My psychiatrist isn't helping. Ive had bereavement counselling and that helped I guess, but only a little bit. I feel like im trapped in a dark hole. Im consumed by grief. It eats away at me daily and I can...

I was just sat thinking about when I told the nurse to take my dad's oxygen off him. He wouldnt of wanted any of us to prolong his death and I had to make the choice. It killed me and still plays on my mind to this day. I sat by his side in that hospital day and night until he took his last breath. Family came through the day, but it was me and dad at night. I'd do it all over again in a heart beat if it meant I got to spend more time with him. I saw my dad and my son in the Chapel Of Rest and the images in my mind haunt me. Seeing my son in the Chapel Of Rest injured from his fall was horrendous, Damian wouldnt come in to see him and I dont blame him, as a mother I had to see my child one last time, but the image of him with blood over his head and bandaged up is something ill never forget. People tell me how strong I am, but they really have no clue on how much im suffering in silence. Losing my father and son is killing me. I dont see a way out of how I feel, only death. I j...

My son stepped off the 17th floor of a multistory car park in Liverpool at 5:30am Sunday morning. Ill never ever understand why he decided to take his own life. It literally kills me everyday. What must of been going through his head that morning. I dont think I can do this life anymore. The seasons are passing me by and im clueless to how im getting through them. Feel like life is passing me by and im stuck in one place. Grief, im stuck in grief. 1:38pm Sunday afternoon, my dad took his last breath as I held his hands. He saw me take my first breath and I watched him take his last. An image that haunts me daily. Cancer stole my father from me. Not going lie, im really struggling with life. Honestly, I dont want to be here anymore. I can't deal with losing my father and son. Im broken. Im fighting for a life that I dont even want anymore. My life is like groundhog day. I wake up, I try not to kill myself and I go to bed and do it all over again the next day. Im not living, im survi...

Ive watched Married At First Sight for years, Australian and UK. One of the experts on the show, Mel Shilling died a few days ago aged 54 and its really impacted on me. My dad died age 55 and it brought everything back to the surface. I know first hand how her family must be feeling. Its made me feel so sad the past few days that shes passed away. She was a lovely woman and its so sad. Damian sending me photos of Jay-Dee ive never seen before of him at work, that made my heart ache all over again. I can't tell you how much I miss my dad and son. I know I say it everyday and youre probably sick of reading it, but honestly, im absolutely heartbroken. 55 and 21 are no age to die. My son was a month away from completing his bricklaying apprenticeship. He had his whole life ahead of him. I will never ever understand why he killed himself and that kills me inside. Cancer stole my dad from me. I watched his cancer, esophageal cancer, starve him to death over 19 months. The heartache I fee...

Last day of school for 2 weeks, yay. Can't wait have a lie in tomorrow. All down my right side in my stomach is killing me, swear ive got a kidney infection. Going keep my eye on myself and go the doctors if it gets any worse. My heart aches today, just like any other day, but some days are heavy. Grief is heavy. Miss my son and my dad more than anything in the world. Thankful for my living children, but im grieving the loss of my father and son. Every day I live, is a day closer to my death. That's how I see it. I dont want to die because my boys need their mum, but death doesnt scare me. I was thinking about dying and you never know when you'll live your last day. We take living for granted. You never know when your death day will be. I welcome death, but not yet. I need to see my boys grow up. If it wasn't for my boys getting me through each day, id be dead already. Wonder how I will die? Do you ever think about your death or am I just morbid? Will depression kill me...

Been up through the night with pains down my right side of my chest. Still got them now and struggling to take a breath on and off. My sister said it could be trapped wind. Let's hope thats all it is because I can't be ill, ive got children and pets to look after. Makes me realise why ive got to stay alive. No one could look after my kids the way I do and feed my pets. Jensen took me school this morning then we nipped Asda for some bits. Im booked on to a craft afternoon with Jesse at school at half 2. I didn't blog yesterday, I just couldnt be bothered. I had nothing to say so I just kept quiet. I dont feel too bad today mentally speaking. We're getting Domino's pizza for tea tonight as a treat. Still find it hard to believe some days that my father and son are gone forever. Grief just hits you out of the blue. They wouldnt want me to be sad, so im trying my best to live for them. Everyday is a battle, but today im doing ok..

Spent the morning with my sister, we met up Hanley and went for a hot chocolate. It was nice. Damian asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day and I said photo frames. So he ordered me 10 vintage, different shapes and sizes photo frames that came a few days ago, anyway, the photos I ordered arrived today, so ive spent the afternoon putting my photos into the frames and putting them up on the wall behind my tv. Love having photos all around me of my boys. Its not been a bad day. Mentally im doing ok, made me sad putting photos up of Jay-Dee and my dad, but I find comfort seeing their faces around me. My house is filled with photos and canvases and I love it. I love seeing memories all around me, it keeps me going. Ive watched Married At First Sight UK and Australia for years and today a lady called Mel that is an expert on the show has died age 54. Its really upset me. I know what her family are going through and its horrible. Feel so sad for her family. You never know when your time ...

My dad always use to say he wouldnt make it to 50 and then he died when he was 55. Cancer is cruel! I was talking to my friends yesterday when we went for a meal, which by the way was lovely and I had a really good time, but I was saying about how much I miss my dad and son and how im sober after everything thats happened. My friend Rachael said how strong I was and she wouldnt of made it through what ive been through and it made me think, I must be stronger than I think I am. To lose my father and son and to have cancer in-between. How im still standing I dont know. I always say I get my strength from my boys and I stand by that. I wouldnt be here now if it wasn't for them. Jensen has just asked me if I wanted nip Home Bargains with him for snacks (diets going shit haha), but i love how my kids want to do things with me. They keep me alive. When I was in the car I found myself drifting off thinking about Jay-Dee and how much my heart aches without him here. I'd give my life to...

Last night I dreamt that I was dying of cancer. It was a horrible dream to have after having cancer already. I remember I had hours left to live. I pray I never have cancer again. Myself and Jesse are up and dressed. Jesse's going out with Damian at half 12 and then my friend is picking me up, then we're collecting 2 more friends to go out for dinner. Its been years since ive been The Dog And Partridge so im looking forward to it. Already decided im having a mixed grill haha. I dont feel too bad today, really can't be bothered to go out, but I know it will do me good. Wish I could just spend my days in bed, thats how depressed I am. Have to force myself to participate in life. Feel guilty for going out when my dad and son are both no longer here, but I know they'd be telling me to go and enjoy myself. Its hard living a life after losing people you love. I am trying though. After we've had tea tonight, myself and Jasper are going to start fasting and having one meal ...

Got up, got dressed and went the shop with Jesse. He went on his bike. Im showered and washed my hair. Can't remember the last time I showered and washed my hair. Im not lazy, its depression. Some days it takes everything in me just to get through the day without killing myself. So to shower and wash my hair is kind of a big deal for me. Jesse keeps playing Jay-Dees song, The Smiths This Charming Man, my heart sinks every time I hear it, but it also makes me smile that I get to listen to his favourite song and think about him. I miss him and my dad so much. Ive come to terms with the fact that im never going to heal from the trauma ive been through. I guess ill have to live like this until my day of death. Im always going to be a sad person, nothing will ever change that. Ive just got to keep living regardless. Its so hard getting up everyday and to fight the urge to kill myself. Everyday is a battle. Suicidal ideation is real and i have to live with it. Im going out tomorrow with ...

I feel a bit better today, Jesse's gone school. That's 2 weeks in a row with no days off. Went Asda this morning, brought quite a bit of stuff, tried getting a taxi home and they wanted nearly £14 to take me a few streets away because its Eid. So I decided to walk, had to keep stopping and swapping hands with my bags because they were heavy. The new Peaky Blinders film is out today on Netflix, ill be watching it later with Jasper, can't wait. My different sized photo frames have arrived today that Damian brought me for Mother's Day. Ive just ordered my photos for them all and I plan on filling the wall behind my tv with photos of my family. You appreciate photos when you have people you love in heaven. Ive always taken photos of my family and im so glad I have. One wall up my stairs is filled with canvases of my boys. I love it. Damian is buying me some things tomorrow so I can stick them all to the wall. Love been surrounded by photos of my kids. Ive got big canvases o...

Didn't sleep well last night, so ive been lying on the settee in and out of sleep and every time ive fallen asleep, ive been crying in my sleep. If im not crying when im awake, im crying in my sleep. Im so heartbroken. Jesse's in school. Contemplated not taking him when I first woke up, but dont want him having anymore time off, so I got up and took him. Hes nearly done 2 weeks without a day off. Im doing good. Had his letter for his Stanley Head trip he'll be going on in November when hes in year 6. Crazy to think hes going into his last year in September. Hes growing up so fast. Got to pay monthly for his trip and then ive got a list as long as my arm of things ive got to buy for him to take. Im broke all the time, but my boy will be going. Paid a 30 pound deposit this morning to secure his place, then ive got pay the rest off monthly. I'll do it. Don't know how, but I will. Didn't stay at the cafe this morning, I just didn't feel like it. Think its becaus...

Im sat crying, its 10:24am and im already crying thinking about my son. Last night I dreamt about ringing my dad and then it hit me that he was already dead. Such a strange dream, felt so real. I can't do this anymore, im so close to committing suicide. Im so fed up of being upset. Im not coping with losing my dad and son. Im living a nightmare that never ends. I say the same thing everyday, every single fucking day. Im struggling with living. I dont want this life ive been given. I just want to put myself out of the misery im living. You wouldnt let an animal suffer the way I am. Why can't I deal with death? What is wrong with me? Ive been the cafe see my friends, wasn't going stay, but I made myself socialise. Went Asda did some shopping and my friend dropped me off at home and then boom, the tears are falling. Im sat looking at my sons urn on the fire. My son and my dad are both in wooden boxes. Its killing me. Im so broken, I dont think i can be fixed. No amount of medi...

Got up again and took Jesse to school. Nipped in the cafe for 10 minutes, but didn't feel like staying. My dad and my son are on my mind today. Just like any other day, but today it feels heavy. My dad was my best friend. I miss him so much, it hurts my heart. 55 was no age to die. My son, my first born baby, gone at the age of 21. I feel so low in life without them. Its hard getting through each day. I long to see them again. I see photos of them everyday and it just makes me sad. I know they wouldnt want me living like this, but I just dont know how to live without them. I feel lost in life, I dont fit in anymore. I dont know who I am anymore. My faith in God is strong, but I have to ask, why my dad and son? Felt like having alcohol yesterday, I was craving it. Over 4 years sober and I still have days where I crave alcohol. I didn't give in, dont worry. Im still sober. Jensen treated us all to a take away last night, he said because he was working on Mother's Day, bless h...