Cancer, Depression and Me.

Last night I could of killed myself, i obviously didn't, but Jensen and Jasper stayed over in Liverpool and Jesse stayed Damians the night. I could of just ended my life whilst my boys were all out. Instead, I ordered myself a curry and was asleep by half 9. I also didn't self harm. So proud of myself for fighting the urge.  Ive been thanking about joining the gym and walking there and back, but its quite far away from where I live. The weight ive gained from medication is adding to my depression. I dunno, it was just a thought.  My boys will be back about 3 or 4pm they said and Jesse will be back this afternoon, so im just sat with my animals.  Loved my early night last night, you can tell im old and dont drink anymore. I was happy to just get into bed and go sleep haha. Ill take this peaceful life over anything. My life might be a mess because of my depression, but its better than it use to be since I went sober. I use to wake up after a night out either in a police cel...

I want to self harm so bad, i just keep thinking of slicing my wrists and I dont know why. Mental health is no joke, im really struggling. The thoughts about self harming are driving me insane, I can just imagine the relief ill feel once ive cut my wrists. Im not going to do it, ill fight the urge no matter how hard it gets.  Im wondering if its because the boys are going Liverpool overnight? Said to Jasper, the last time one of my children went to Liverpool they never came home. Ive told him no drugs and to stay with everyone who's going.  Im dreading them going. My sister invited me hers today for a bbq with my mum and my sisters bf, but ive declined the invite. Im just not in the right head space to socialise.  The boys go at 2pm and I said to Jesse we'll get an early night with a take away in bed. My perfect Saturday night. I know im going have a shit sleep because ill be worrying about the boys. Ill be messaging them throughout the day and night to make sure they're ...

Jasper is 18 today. Feel like ive blinked and hes 18. Crazy. I brought him a chocolate cake, but apparently hes never like chocolate cake haha, so went out and brought a normal cake with jam in. Hes happy now.  Hes going Liverpool tomorrow night for a night out and staying over night. Im absolutely dreading it because Jay-Dee went Liverpool for a night out and died there. Jensen is going too with them all and hes sensible, so im hoping they all have a good night. Im going be worried all night until they get back home. After losing a child I worry more about losing another child. My boys are suffering with their mental health since Jay-Dee died, so it worries me. Didn't go the cafe this morning, couldnt be bothered to wear my smile. Ive done some cleaning today and washing and thats about it. Mental health is shit, sick of feeling the way I feel. Feel like there's no way out other than death. That's how shit depression is. Anyway, enjoy your Friday what ever youre doing.

Was thinking about writing a suicide note to my boys, just incase depression gets the better of my one day. I'd hate to just die and them not knowing how much I loved them. I mean, I tell them everyday that I love them, and the last thing I want to do is kill myself, but what if it all gets too much one day and I just end it all? I fight everyday to live just for my boys. The only reason  im here is because of them. Im so tired all the time, all I ever want to do is go to bed and sleep. If I didn't have Jesse that needed me to do things, I think id just lie in bed all the time and die there.  Jasper is 18 tomorrow, so ive just blown balloons up and put banners up ready for when hes back from Berlin. Ive been and brought him a cake with candles, I might be depressed, but I still show up for my boys and ill keep showing up until my body gives up. I dont want to die, but I dont want to keep living like this. Im so depressed. Its been raining non stop today, got soaked on the scho...

Saw a tiktok that said "we're not home, we're just experiencing this life. We go home when we die". Really made me think. My dad and son are home, their journey on earth came to an end and they're back home. Gives me some comfort hearing that. We're a soul borrowing a body whilst we experience life on earth. I can't wait to go home to my dad and son. Some times I feel like I was meant to see certain tiktoks about death. I dunno, some times I think i may be losing my mind at the same time.  The drs have rang me today, they've finally received my prescription from my psychiatrist. Only took a couple of weeks.. let's hope the new medication along with what im already on makes me feel a bit better.  Just brought the Michael Jackson movie on Paramount+ for £20. Saw it at the cinema and had to buy it. Going watch it later with Jesse-John.  One more night then my boys are home from Berlin. Can't wait to see them both.  Stayed longer at the cafe this m...

Ive just showered and washed my hair!! So proud of myself. I know its something that should be done nearly everyday, but depression ruins you. I get that low that a shower doesnt even cross my mind. Feel like im winning today after my shower. Jesse is in school, I went the cafe see my friends. I sat there and tried to join in with conversations, but I just wanted to go home. I just felt like I didn't fit in. They were all smiling and happy and then there was me, sat watching the rain fall. I am trying, but im struggling. Jensen and Jasper arrived in Berlin a few hours ago. Hope they have the best time on their little holiday. My holiday is fast approaching and im dreading it. Honestly wish id never of booked it. What was I thinking? I was thinking id be in a better place mentally, but im not. Anyway, so proud of myself for showering and washing my hair. You know how much I hate washing my hair..  Ive done a load of washing thats now in the dryer, ill fold it all when its dry. Its j...

Went the cinema this morning with Jensen and Jasper to watch Backrooms. We went the Vue. I absolutely love doing things with my boys and im so lucky that they still want to do things with me as they get older. I feel so blessed, but sad at the same time. Grief is horrible. Even when I smile, I still feel sadness inside. Sad that my dad and son arent here anymore to do things with. Jensen and Jasper go Berlin with Damian at 3am, so it'll just be me and Jesse-John for a few nights. Going be weird not having Jensen and Jasper here. Its hard not having Jay-Dee here, I still expect him to come walking through the front door after work. I miss my son so much, I miss my dad. That man was my best friend. We did everything together. Ever likely I feel so lost.  Im so thankful that I make it through each day, some days are harder than others to get through, but everyday I dont give up. Even on my hard days, I fight like hell to stay alive, which is hard when you have suicidal thoughts all th...

My friend didn't end up coming mine, instead a few of us met at hers for a cuppa tea, well 2 cups of tea and a catch up. I was so depressed this morning, really wasn't feeling life, but i feel better now ive been see a few of my friends. Before I went out another friend of mine knocked on the door with a bunch of sunflowers she'd brought me to cheer me up. I really do have the best of friends. Im so grateful.  We were talking about something and Jay-Dee came into the conversation, I felt like I couldnt talk properly with a lump in my throat. Had to hold back the tears and one of my friends asked if I was ok. Of course I said yes, but deep down I wasn't ok. Found it hard to talk about him, I said I still wait for him to walk through the door. I can't comprehend the fact that hes gone forever.  I say it all the time, but I miss my dad and son so much. Its killing me. Anyway, here's a pic of my sunflowers to brighten up your day.

Last night for the first time ever, Jesse asked if he could stay up until midnight to do a live event on his ps5. Ive never let him before, but I thought to myself, its Friday night and hes 10 now, so i let him. I turned my tv off at 10pm and was fast asleep. Im medicated so I go sleep pretty early. I dont remember, but Jesse said I woke up at 1am when he climbed into bed with me. I must of still been half asleep.  I always suffered with insomnia until I was put on Olanzopine. I take it at about half 6 every night and im asleep for 10pm, its great. I thought I was losing my mind when I had insomnia, it was horrible.  Ive got up today and stripped my bedding and put it on a hot wash because my dog and now my cat sleep with me, along with Jesse haha. Ive got no room in my life for a partner. Got us a McDonald's breakfast because we always have a breakfast from McDonald's on a Saturday morning. Jasper will be 18 next Friday, I can't believe it. Literally, the years are passing...

I go the cafe before Jesse goes in school every morning to buy Jesse a snack and milkshakes for snack time in school. I got there early today about 8:05am. I brought him his snacks and just sat there waiting for 8:30am so i could see him off into school. I must of dissociated because I sat down and the next thing I knew, it was half 8. I must of spent 25 minutes doing absolutely nothing. People were all around me, but I just dissociated from the world. I looked at the clock and was like, oh shit its half past. I didn't get sleep last night till after 12am and its got to be because I napped through the day. Ive been tired all day today, but ive stayed awake. Want an early night. I think im tired all the time because im emotionally drained. Depression is draining me. Spent the day clearing my kitchen work tops and cupboards out, kept me busy. Im such a cluttery person, so ive tried to put things away instead of things being all over my work tops. Another day of hanging on by a thread...

Got up and took Jesse school today, really didn't want leave the house. Had to force myself to go and wear my smile. I feel exhausted mentally. Went the cafe and my friend asked if I was ok, and I said no. I barely spoke. I told them that I felt exhausted mentally. Im so tired. I walked to Asda and thought about stepping infront of a car, but they weren't driving fast enough to kill me, so I didn't. Jay-Dees anniversary of his death has really knocked me back. I just want to sleep my days away, but im a mum and ive got shit to do. Ive come home, put my shopping away, hoovered up, done my dishes, cleaned the litter tray out and washed it, ive got a wash on now which ill put in the dryer when its done, then ill fold it all. Im sat down now. Might try have a little sleep because I just feel so tired. Glad ive got Jesse in school though. My holiday is fast approaching and ive not got anything to take yet. I really need to go Primark to get some shorts and tops. Im absolutely sh...

Last night I thought about slitting my wrists. I just wanted to end my life. I told my brother and sister how I felt, I told them I struggle everyday with life. I cried thinking about my dad and son. Life is so hard. Ive not taken Jesse school again, I just couldnt get out of bed. Im so tired with life. I feel drained all the time. Grief is killing me. I told my brother and sister that one day depression will end my life. They told me that they needed me alive and it would destroy them and my kids. I know this, which is why i fight for my life everyday. I know it would destroy my kids and family, and im trying my best to live, regardless of whether I want to or not. Ive been dealt a shitty hand in life. The past 5 and a half years have been so traumatic. My dad dying, then I had cancer, and my son killed himself. My head is fucked! I can't deal with everything thats happened. My brain can't process it all. I keep thinking this is all a nightmare ill wake up from. Ive just got m...

My alarm went off at 7am, I lay there thinking about it being 2 years for Jay-Dee and just couldnt get out of bed. Couldn't bring myself to do life today, so i kept Jesse off.  2 years without my son. My heart is forever broken. I miss him so much. I feel numb today, got no motivation at all. My friends have messaged, some have turned up with flowers and gifts. Im grateful to each and everyone of them. I feel so sad today. Where have the past 2 years gone? I feel like ive blinked and hes been gone for 2 years. How have I made it this far in life without committing suicide? Honeatly dont know how im still alive. The strength I get from my living children is immense. I'd he dead without them. A canvas i ordered a couple of weeks ago of Jay-Dee arrived today, so ive just put it up on my wall. I sit staring at my canvases of him and still can't believe hes gone. It still doeant feel real, I wish he'd walk in from work like he use to. God I miss him so much. I just hope hes ...

2 years tomorrow since my son tragically passed away. 2 whole years without my child by my side. 2 years of emptiness. My friends took me Leek today to get me out of the house, didn't want go, just wanted be on my own, but I went. Hasn't taken the pain away that i feel inside. I honestly dont know how ive made it through the last 5 and a half years. Dad died and i died inside. Something changed me that day. My son dying has just wrote me off. I try everyday to get through each day, but its hard work. I just hate being alive. I wont be doing anything tomorrow, ill be remembering my son like I do everyday, but the anniversary of his death will be hard. I wont be going the cafe in the morning, I wont feel like talking, like most days. 5 and a half years since my dad passed away and 2 years tomorrow for my son. Life is hard. It kills me that I never got to say goodbye to my son. I remember kissing his face in The Chapel Of Rest. Seeing him in a coffin haunts me. I remember seeing m...

Didn't feel like going out today, even said I didn't feel upto going out to my friends, but one of them said she needed her girls today. So I got dressed and went out with them. I didn't want to go because I really couldnt afford, one of my friends said it was her treat. We went The Man In Space and ive had a really lovely day. Had a mixed grill and a desert, we nipped Home Bargains for some bits and then back to one of my friends house for a cuppa. Its been a really lovely day. We're going Leek tomorrow to have a browse around and go for a cup of tea and cake somewhere.  I really do have the best friends I could wish for. They know its coming upto Jay-Dees anniversary of his death and they're so supportive. Im feeling thankful today. Ive had a right off stomach today though, all bloated and hard. Full of wind. Anyway, im back home and in my pjs. Im watching something called Nemesis on Netflix, its really good. Back to the school run in the morning, already not look...

I had my brother here yesterday from about dinner time till 7pm ish. Was a good day, kept my mind occupied. Today, ive been nipping in and out of the front garden trying sort it out. My arms are aching from using the hedge cutters. Im waiting for my canvas arrive of Jay-Dee that I ordered, it should of been here 2 days ago so im not happy. Ive got a big canvas of Jay-Dee up in my living room and im putting little canvases of him around it. Breaks my heart that all I have left are photos of him and my dad. I miss them both with all my heart. A few of my friends have asked me to go The Man In Space tomorrow for a meal, so that will be nice. We went there a few months back and the mixed grill was lovely. Be nice to have a catch up with them. I hate having to do life without my father and son. I feel guilty for doing things without them both. Im trying so hard to live, but everyday my heart hurts. In 3 days time it will be 2 years without Jay-Dee, it will also be my sisters birthday. We...

Just been gazing out of my kitchen window, stood watching all the little birds flying in and out of my hedges. Watching them fills me with so much peace.  Ive currently got my hedge cutters charging that my dad brought me. I did a big sigh that hes not here to help me with the garden which he always did. Jensen is going to help me do the hedges today and then the back garden is done. Jensen is such a good boy helping me. All my boys are good boys, im so proud of them all. I was so proud of Jay-Dee, gone way too soon. Feel a bit deflated today, but thats probably because ive been awake since 3am. Went the toilet and I just couldnt fall back asleep. Its 8:53am and im tired. Its going to be a long day. Im expecting a canvas today of Jay-Dee to go with all my other canvases i have around the house. One side of my stairs is filled with them. I just love having photos around me of my family. Keeps me going seeing their faces. Im so glad ive always taken photos because thats all I have le...

35 days until I go on holiday. Why did I book it a year ago thinking id be "better" by now? I was fucking delusional! Anxiety is kicking in big time about going. Ive brought nothing for myself to take. Jesse has 5 outfits to take which are lovely. There's still so much that I need to buy, with little money to get it all. What will be, will be. I keep telling myself that ill be fine once I get on the plane, but im so nervous. Ive always gone away with another adult, so its daunting going on my own with just Jasper and Jesse-John. I'll be ok wont I? Not done alot today, had my dad and son on my mind like always. Jensen took me collect my medication and then to Asda to get something for tea. We're having bacon and cheese oatcakes.  I miss my dad and son so much, life is just so cruel. Im dreading next Tuesday when it'll be 2 years for Jay-Dee. Can you imagine going 2 years without speaking to or seeing your child? It's torture. I speak to my dad and son every...

Finally, after months of putting it off, my hair has been done. Scalp bleach and a toner. Mum said that should be £90 in a salon, luckily my mums a hairdresser then isn't haha. Told her i loved her, thats my payment. My roots were horrendous, my hair looked so bad, but its all done now. Thank God. Ive been in and out of the house doing bits of sunbathing and I was just lying there looking up at the clouds and thought to myself, my dad and son are up there. It breaks my heart. A week today will be 2 years without my child. Honestly, I dont know how ive made it this far. Mum said to me, how am I doing, and I said I honestly wish I was dead. She said stop thinking like that and think of the boys. I said the only reason im alive is for the boys. I said if I didn't have them, id of been gone along time ago, she said I know. Jensen came and picked me up from mums bless him. Mum said I should visit more often, but she lives so far away it costs a fortune in taxis. I should make more o...

Jesse hasn't been very well today, but hes had medicine and hes feeling better. Ive been in and out of the house all day, doing bits of gardening. We went get Jensens car washed and cleaned inside. Nipped Home Bargains for some Monster drinks. Collected Jasper on our way home and whilst I cooked tacos for tea, all the boys were out in the back garden doing all the weeding. It was so nice to watch them all do the garden, but at the same time I felt sadness that Jay-Dee wasn't with them. On the way to get Jasper we have to go past the crem, my heart sank knowing Jay-Dee has a flower bed there. Im so glad his ashes are with me at home, because driving past the cemetery knowing our son was buried there would kill me. So im glad hes with his mum. Same with my dad, im glad his ashes are with me. They're both safe and they'll stay with me until I die. I feel ok today, had a few moments of sadness, but ive pushed through. The back garden looks so much better after Damian mowing...