Cancer, Depression and Me.

Just sitting on my settee scrolling through tiktok and I just had a thought about hanging myself from my loft.. why is my brain like this? I just envisioned myself hanging from my loft. I thought to myself, ive got step ladders to get up there to tie a noose. The medication im on is stopping me from doing it, thank god, but the thought is still there.  Im just not happy being alive. I dont tell anyone about my suicidal ideation, I just blog about it. My kids are the reason I dont act on my thoughts, but what if one day I do? Im tired of being strong. I know one day ill just end it all and be done with life. I just haven't chose what day yet.. Luckily my brother is coming to visit me for a few hours so that'll keep my mind occupied.  Jesse has got his own cash card now and myself and Damian have sent him money, so ive just added it to his ps5 so he can buy things for himself. Hes growing up too fast.  One day my kids wont need me and thats when ill go.

Skip got delivered this morning and then I went my mums to have a few hours with her and my sister because she went too. I can only stomach my mum for a couple of hours, so I came home after id been there 2 hours. I love my mum, but shes too strict with the kids. I can't stand it because im so laid back with my kids. I discipline my kids when needed, but they dont have to ask to have a drink or a snack like they do at my mums. We parent differently. That's ok though, 2 hours is plenty of time to be with her haha. I came home and started filling the skip with Jesse, but its that hot outside weve come In doors. Ill finish it off tomorrow. Ive had a nice cool shower and got into my pjs. Can't remember the last time I showered, how bad is that? I spend most of my days just trying to get through the day without killing myself, so a shower isn't my priority unfortunately. I was quiet at mums, didn't really have alot to say. Pointless going really, but Jesse had a good tim...

Had an engineer here not long ago from Virgin because my new router wouldnt work, weve had to have another new router and it finally works after 2 days of no Internet and tv.. Anyway, he said are you Tabs daughter? I must look like my dad which made me smile, but he was telling me he had cancer and is now in remission and my heart felt heavy thinking that cancer killed my dad. Its hard seeing dad's friends still alive and my dad isn't. Made me feel so sad. My dad was only 55 when he died. Sigh. I think about my dad and son every single day, not an hour goes by where I dont think about them both. Life is bloody hard I tell you. Ive done nothing today because the engineer was coming 1-4 so been stuck in all day, but im happy weve finally got Internet and tv again. Going cook some smash burgers in a min for tea and thats it. Got a skip coming tomorrow so we can get ontop of the waste in the garden and in the house. Jensens already got 2 bin bags full of rubbish ready for the skip ...

Been out on a drive to Leek today so Jensen could collect something for his computer desk. Was a lovely drive whilst the sun was shining. I thought I was doing ok today, then we were driving back from Hanley and we came to a bridge and the first thing I thought about was jumping off it. Good job I was in a car. That's how my brain works, even on a better day, I still think about killing myself. Why is that? I dont know. We've got no Internet because the new router isn't working and the old router died so got an engineer coming out tomorrow to fix it for us. Its only 6.12pm and I already want to go bed. Think I was in bed last night watching tv at 7pm. Must of been asleep before 10pm easily. Told you before, sleep is an escape from my reality. If im sleeping, im not over thinking, plus there's a small chance I get to see my dad and son when im asleep. I dont go sleep when I get in bed, I just relax and watch some tv. Usually my tablet with something on Prime or Netflix. ...

Today myself and Jasper have been to get our eyes tested. Ive got to have some sort of verifocles so I can see far away and up close or I would of had to have 2 pairs of glasses. Jasper's eyes are perfect which is good.  Jesse is at Trentham Gardens with Damian, Louise, Mabel and Max having a picnic in this lovely weather. He was meant to have his eyes tested, but he loves his days with Damian. It guts me that at some point in his life ive got to tell him that Damian isn't his bio father. Damian is the one who buys things he needs, gives him pocket money every month. He takes him out every Sunday without fail. That's a father! I think ill wait till hes in high school to tell him. It wont change anything, he will still class Damian as his father. Jasper and I went KFC after we'd been Boots to get our eyes done. Ive come back, got in my pjs and pigged out on chicken. Bloody lovely. Ill never be thin. I was taking the Reta jab, but it just stopped working. Dont think im me...

Mental health is shit again, wish I could just end my life and be done with. Its 4.26pm, I didn't get out of bed till 11am and if it wasn't for Jesse telling me he wants his breakfast, then id of stayed in bed. Im tired, im so fucking tired of being alive. I need a break from life, I need a quiet room to just sit in and cry on my own. There's 2 parts to me. An Ann-Louise that wants to die and a Ann-Louise that wishes she was happier for her kids. An Ann-Louise that needs to stay alive for her kids. Ive got no motivation in me, the 6 week holidays are merging into one, before I know it Jesse will be starting year 6 and ive got to go back to doing the school runs. Thought I was getting better last week when I was feeling ok, should of known it wouldnt last! Jensen treated us all to breakfast this morning. Hes such a lovely young man. Im so proud of how my boys have turned out. Absolutely guts me that Jay-Dee killed himself. It kills me inside. The pain from losing a child is ...

Woke up crying through the night, my dad came to me in my dreams and hugged me. We wrapped our arms around each other and it felt so real, and then I woke up and it hit me that hes dead. Absolutely heartbroken. I had a visitation and it broke my heart. I miss my dad so much. I wish my son would visit me in my dreams and hug me. I miss them both so much, its killing me. Its going to be one of those days today where my dad and son are constantly on my mind. Its been like this the past few days. I feel so low. There's nothing more id love than to end my life and be reunited with them both again, but I know my living children need me. I need to do something today to get me out of my own head. I need to occupy my mind. Might get ready and take Jesse the park for an hour, or take the dog for a walk. Anything really. Wish I could just lie in bed and be done with life.

Had a low day today. Made a few tiktoks about Jay-Dee, then I found myself scrolling through tiktoks ive made of Jay-Dee and my dad and its made me feel even worse. Im so sad inside and ive got to live the rest of my life feeling this way. Its horrible. I feel empty inside. Losing my dad and son has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and ive had cancer. Death has destroyed me inside. I walk around smiling at people and all I really want to do is lie in my bed and cry. Im a mother to 3 other boys so I have no choice but to carry on. Im trying my best to live, but im not living, im just surviving. My head is literally above water. My body is submerged. Dont know how im meant to live the rest of my life feeling the way I do. Jensen took me the barbers earlier so him and Jesse could get a hair cut and i looked at myself in the mirror and hated what was looking back at me. Im just not happy about being alive. I wish I loved me, but I dont. How am I meant to keep living like ...

Some days life is unbearable, but we have to carry on. Grief is heavy today. I miss my son and dad so much, i can't describe how I feel. Until you lose someone you love, you wont understand the pain I feel inside.  Regardless of how i feel, I still have to be a mum. Jasper had a job centre appointment today, so I got up early and went with him as he didn't want to go on his own. Hes 18 and still needs his mum. This is why I can't go yet, my boys still need me. We went Asda get some pop and stuff to make tacos for the boys tea. Im going my mates for tea with another friend so that'll be nice. Ive scrubbed my bathroom and both toilets and thats my day. Im just eating some toast and im sat with Jasper. Not had toast in ages, forgot how nice it is haha. 25th of September im going kings Hall with about 8 of my friends to watch a Michael Jackson show. Given me something to look forward to.  Anyway, thats my day. Jesse is going at 5pm to go cinema with Damian and ill be meetin...

Thinking about my dad and son alot today, probably because im not keeping myself busy. Its shit how you have to try and stay busy, so you dont have time to think about things. Its still hard to believe that my son and dad are both in my house in wooden boxes. Its just not how life was meant to be, but here we are. I go bed, I sit staring at my dad on my draws, I get up and sit staring at my son on the fire. I do get comfort though knowing they're both safe with me. I couldnt imagine having to scatter them or give them to someone else. They're at home with me and they'll always be with me until I die. My house was like dad's home, he was here everyday. Its only right that his resting place is here. Jay-Dee, what can I say, this was his home. I never thought Jay-Dee would leave home, I thought hed be the one that would stay with his mum and now he will be. Its so sad. Miss them both so much, it hurts my heart. Im going to have days like this, I know that now. 

Didn't realise ive not blogged for a few days. Im still alive.  I absolutely love having Jesse with me all the time, but on a Sunday when he spends the day with Damian i absolutely love having a few hours of me time. Yesterday I went meet up with my sister and brother whilst Jesse was with Damian and I loved just been able to think about myself, even if it is only a few hours. I needed it. Today we're having a pj day. Jesse is on his vr, we've got songs playing on YouTube on the tv and im watching a movie on my tablet. Jasper's asleep on the settee because he went watch the new Spiderman at half 11 last night. Damian has booked Spiderman for Wednesday night for him and Jesse. He wanted me take him, but its on for 2 hours and 25 minutes and im not a lover of Marvel movies so I really didn't want to go. Life saver Damian is haha. Myself, Jasper and Jesse are booked into the opticians next Monday. My eye sight is shit, can't see stuff up close or far away so ill pr...

Been awake since half 4 this morning, dont know why I woke up that early. Ive showered today and washed my hair. Doesn't seem like a big deal, but to me it is. Needed to shave my legs, but that can be for another day. Feel a bit blah today, not ecstatic about being alive, but then again I never am. Ive stripped my bedding and its now drying outside on the washing line. Smells lovely. Can't wait get into fresh bedding, its the best feeling. Not really got alot to say today. I know ill be in bed early tonight, its 1pm and im already done with the day. Might take Jesse the cinema tomorrow, he wants to watch the new Spiderman thats come out. Yeh I think i will.

10 years ago, when I was 32 years of age, i came out as gay. I started to date a woman and I remember telling my boys, I remember Jay-Dee saying its socially acceptable these days and that comment stuck with me. Such a grown up thing to say. I was thinking about it earlier so thought id share that memory. I miss him so much.  Just finished watching Manifest. 4 seasons, feel like ive been watching it forever haha. Starting Crow Gril next its meant be really good. Its on Prime, its new. Going cook Jesse some eggs now because hes hungry again for the 100th time today and hes requested scrambled eggs.  7.43pm now, Jasper will be going soon, he stayed over last night. When he goes ill be getting in bed watch some tv.  Early start tomorrow as my brother comes mega early on a Friday to drop my crate of pop off that I have every week. Im still off the vape, can't believe i actually quit. Makes me think, what kind of life have I even got. I dont drink, I dont smoke, I dont vape, I...

Went my sisters yesterday with my mum and all the kids. They all played in the hot tub. My mum made a lovely salad for dinner. I stayed about 5 hours, which is alot longer than I usually stay out of the house, so im proud of myself for pushing myself to interact longer. After my mum left, my brother came. It was a lovely day catching up with the family.  This evening im going a friends to meet up with a few friends for a catch up. Can't be bothered really, my social battery is a bit low, but ill push myself to go. Ill have to wait for Jasper to come though so he can watch Jesse for me. I feel a bit deflated. Not sure why. I miss my dad and son so much. I hate that ive got to carry on living without them. Ill never get to see my dad grow old or my son become a man. He was just a baby. 21 and 55 are no age to die. It kills me inside. I just need to live long enough to see my boys grow up, then im done. Im 42 now, I dont see myself here next year, but saying that ive thought the same ...

I forgot to blog yesterday, Jesse spent the day out with Damian, Louise and the kids. He didn't get back home till 8ish at night. Im laid up to the eye balls, sore throat and my nose wont stop running. Got go the job centre today with Jasper. Not looking forward to it because its an half an hour appointment and I feel like shit, but he doesn't want to go on his own. Going my sisters tomorrow for a bbq, mums going too. Be nice have a catch up. Dont see my mum that often so it'll be nice. I honestly feel like shit, wish I could just spend the day in bed. Need go Asda too to get some food in for tea. God knows what im going do. Sick of thinking everyday what do for tea. Mental health is suffering a bit through the school holidays, it'll be because im not leaving the house as much as I was. Feel a bit deflated. Miss my dad and son. I was talking to them the other day hoping they could hear me. Told them how much I miss them and how life is so hard without them both here. Ev...

I was half asleep this morning in a dream like state and I remember thinking to myself, I need to ring my dad to see if hes ok because I know hes got cancer and ive not heard off him in a few days. Then it slowly came to me that he was already dead and my heart broke all over again. Was so weird. I was awake, but asleep if that makes sense. Ive woken up with a sore throat today. My plan is to take Jesse Forest Park with his scooter, but im really not feeling it. I dont know, ill see how i feel after dinner. Did I tell you Jesse got his first phone yesterday? Hes over the moon, took me ages set it up and add all the family's phone numbers etc. Ive put life360 on our phones so we both know where each other are all the time. Can't believe hes got a phone, it was bound to happen sooner or later, hes in year 6 in September. Last year of primary school. Crazy how fast time goes. Ive got no motivation to do anything, i need to get myself dressed and leave this house, even if its just ...

Done nothing today except watch Manifest on Netflix. Its really good. I was thinking earlier about how death has completely changed my life, from being so outgoing to barely recognising myself. I didn't stay there too long because it would of made me sad, but it does make you think. Anyway, got my brother coming tomorrow. Jesse gets his first phone tomorrow, just a Samsung, but hes dead excited. My little boy is growing up way too fast. He needs his own phone now because he keeps using mine whilst hes gaming, talking to his cousin Luther. He was going have a phone for Christmas so its only a few months early. I remember when Jay-Dee and Jensen had their first phones when they were in primary school and now one is dead and one is on the sick at work because hes depressed. How life changes. Miss my son and dad so much. Everyday is hard without them, but im trying my best to live this life ive been given. I miss my dad's company, I use to have a beer with him every single day. Not...

Didn't get out of bed till nearly 11am. Jesse just let's me sleep, he gets up and just goes on his computer, bless him. If I didn't have Jesse and animals to feed id just rot in bed all day. Im just tired all the time. Its 7pm now and I can't wait get back into bed. Im trying get through all Jasper's washing hes brought back off his holiday.  We've had Domino's pizza for tea, I only had 2 slices because im on the Reta jab. Trying to cut my calories down. I'd usually have a large pizza to myself and eat half now and half the next day, so the jab is working because I was full after 2 slices. Im 12lb down. 2 more lbs and ive lost a stone. I can do this! Im fasting now till tomorrow dinner time, i think its helping the weight loss. Mentally im doing ok. Had a few sad moments, but ive snapped myself out of it. Got to keep going for my boys.

Met up with my sister today at Forest Park, I took Jesse and she had 2 of her kids. They took scooters, skateboards and skates and had alot of fun. The weather was lovely, we had ice creams and ice lollies. The kids had fun and thats the main thing. Its so hard finding things to do through the 6 week holidays that dont cost alot, so it wont be the last time we go the park id imagine. Ive been the chemist to collect my medication and then we went Asda to get everything to make tacos for tea. Jensen came to collect me with my shopping and Jesse asked if he could go home on his scooter. I was a bit reluctant, but I said yes. Hes growing up too fast. Hes becoming more independent.  Jasper isn't coming today, hes in bed not feeling very well. I think his 2 holidays in 1 month have caught up with him and he needs to rest, especially after going on a lads holiday haha. Anyway, tacos for tea were lovely, messy, but nice. Ive taken my night time meds and im going get in bed watch some more ...

I didn't have Jesse last night so do you know what I did with my Jesse free night? I went asleep at 8:30pm haha and I didn't wake up today until nearly 11am, now thats some sleeping. Absolutely loved it. I just love being asleep. Its an escape from reality. Jasper is back from his holiday now, hes lying on the settee under his blanket. Hes tired bless him. Hes had the best time. Myself, Jesse and Jensen have put a giant shoe rack up today, yes it took 3 of us haha so thats by the front door, so I dont have shoes all over the house now so thats good. Im meeting my sister tomorrow at Forest Park with the kids for a play and an ice cream. Not until the afternoon though because im enjoying my lie ins. Also need go the chemist tomorrow to collect my medication, so ill go after the park. I dont feel too bad in myself. Miss my dad and son, but I feel ok. Started watching Manifest on Netflix last night so going watch some more of that now and thats my day.