Cancer, Depression and Me.

I didn't go church today, if im honest I've not been for the past 3 weeks, I've just felt so tired, so I've been having a lie in. I'm going try and go next Sunday. I miss it when I don't go. Ive been strawberry picking this afternoon, you know what its done me the world of good to get out of the house. We went to somewhere called Woore Fruit Farm, it was lovely. How my weekends have changed, when I was drinking I was usually drunk or hungover every single weekend and then I'd also be drinking every night through the week. I was always drunk. My old life repulses me and now im out strawberry picking on a Sunday hahaha honestly I shock myself. Ive come so far since my dad's death, I know alot of it is down to medication but I should be more proud of myself for keeping going. You all know how much I suffer with depression, you know my struggle and im still alive after everything. I mean, I had cancer and beat it! These are the positives I should think of mo...

I'm struggling with anxiety, I feel fear about leaving the house and I don't know why. I feel like i can't do stuff or go anywhere alone. Ive not left the house for a few days. I'm fed up of suffering. I wish someone would just put me out of my misery.  I'm really struggling with life, I have been for years. I stripped and washed my bedding yesterday and today im doing Jesse's bedding. Dried on the line so it smells amazing. I hate making beds but love getting into a fresh bed. You can't beat it. I think im going strawberry picking tomorrow with a few of my friends so that'll be good to get out of the house for a few hours. I'm lucky to have supportive friends. They know im struggling.  I'm just so fed up of being mentally unwell. I just want to get better. I don't know how I've made it to 41 without killing myself if im honest. I get up everyday for my boys, i do it all for them. If I didn't have them I'd be dead already.  I'...

I don't see the point in my existence. I'm sat thinking about my life and I just don't see the point in me being alive. I'm having a shit day today. I had a psychological evaluation this morning and its just made me feel worse talking about things. I told them im suicidal all the time and how I replay my dad and sons death over in my head daily. I'm being referred for group trauma therapy. So I've got to sit in a group and talk about how I feel. Anxiety is going to love that. God I really fucking hate life. I need a break, I need to just die already. I'm a dead soul living in this body I borrowed.  God I really am having a shit day. I'm fed up today. Today's one of them days where I wish I was dead. I can't keep living like this, im not living. I'm just surviving. I can't keep living like this, something needs to happen before I break. I'm trying so hard to be strong and its killing me. I'm slowly drowning. I'm trying to keep ...

Had my 15th driving lesson this morning, as we were driving i came close to the curb and my driving instructor said "if we hit that curb the car will lose control and the car will crash". I thought to myself, I'd love that. Accidentally die in a car crash. Then as I was driving, i thought about turning the steering wheel and plowing into on coming traffic. Some times I think to myself, I really shouldn't be on the road, but here I am having driving lessons haha. Don't you just love intrusive thoughts!.  I shock myself how i make it through each day without committing suicide.  I didn't do too bad on my lesson. I still panick when ive got get my bite, when there's a car up my arse and I worry about the car rolling back. Anyway, I've spent too much money to give up now. I'm tired today, I've just had a shower and gotten into my pj's. Can't wait go bed, I've got no motivation.  If I didn't have Jesse I wouldn't bother getting o...

Been to Jesse's sports day this morning with Damian, he's never missed a sports day. Jesse is so lucky to have him as his father figure. I'm feeling blessed. Ive just booked a holiday for next year. Its given me something to look forward to and also a goal to get better mentally. I'm nervous about going, well its not nerves its anxiety but I'll have Jasper and Jesse with me so I think I'll be ok. The place we're going, I went a couple of years ago and it was amazing. Its called Sol Katmandu in Magaluf. I'm so excited to take the boys. Its given me something else to live for. Now I really need to lose weight so from today I'll be healthy eating. Ive got a year to get better and im determined to get better. I can do this. Booking the holiday has given me a bit of a boost today. I'm feeling ok.  I felt sick as a dog when I first woke up this morning but I feel ok now, so don't know why I felt so sick.  I'm just doing a load of washing and ha...

I went out last night for a curry with 3 of my friends and we had a really good time, was just what I needed. After 3 hours Jasper rang me to see if I was ok which melted my heart. How lovely of him to care about me. I realised then that I have to keep going. My boys really do need me. It did me good to do my hair nice and put some mascara on. I don't do make up I never have except for mascara. I'm so grateful for the friends I have.  I'm not feeling to bad today, i feel ok. Think it did me good to get out of the house. Not gone Church today, I couldn't be bothered to get up early. I know its lazy of me but, oh well. I should of gone because it does me good, i love being in church. I love my church family. My faith keeps me going, that and my kids. Ive done a wash and pegged it out and now its raining. Typical! Jesse's got sports day tomorrow so im hoping the weather is nice for it. I'm going to book a holiday for next year for me, Jasper and Jesse. I wanted go ...

Not had a bad day today with my mental health but its probably because my brother came after work for a few hours.  I'm going out tomorrow night for a curry with a few friends. I'm honestly looking forward to it. I don't get out much so its just what I need. My friends are dressing up but I don't have going out clothes because I don't go out, so I'll be dressing casual. Thought about hanging myself today, like I do everyday. The main thing is that I don't act on my suicidal ideation.  This is why I stay sober so I can fight my intrusive thoughts. If I was still drinking, my kids would of buried me by now.  Anyway, besides the suicidal thoughts im doing ok today. It's red hot even with my fan on today. Don't know if i told you but i brought a £300 Dyson Cooler fan. Its amazing. I know its alot of money but im paying it monthly on my mums Argos card. I don't go out, i don't drink, I don't smoke, so I thought fuck it im having a decent fan. ...

Still struggling with wanting be alive, my days all seem to be like groundhog day. My friends came last night for a few hours and it did me the world of good and yet I still wish I was dead. The amount of times i think about hanging myself is unreal. If only people knew.. people tell me how strong I am, yet I don't feel it. I try my best everyday to wear a smile on my face and when im sat at home alone that's when the hard work starts. That's when I have to keep myself busy so I don't fall apart. God I miss my dad and my son more than anything in the world. I long to see them again and it breaks my heart that I can't. Ive said before, im not getting better, im just getting better at hiding my pain. Ive just done a wash and pegged it out whilst the weather is nice. Its too hot for me with going through the Menopause. I'm on HRT which helps with the hot sweats a bit, but this red hot weather doesnt help. I had someone come out last night to fit me a shower. Don...

I didn't take Jesse school yesterday and here's why, i was having a Dyson fan delivered in-between 7am and 10am, so I thought to myself I'll take Jesse in late. My fan cost £300 so I wasn't about to leave it on my doorstep. Anyway my fan arrived about 10am and then I couldn't be bothered to take Jesse school. Anyway, i had the best night's sleep last night because of my new fan. Yes I know its expensive, but come on, I don't drink, I barely leave the house and im going through the Menopause. It made me happy and that's the main thing. Anyway, I've taken Jesse school today so that's good. My friend said they've got 4 weeks left until the 6 week holidays. I'm dreading the holidays. I need to arrange do things with Jesse whilst he's off.  Ive just been Asda and done a healthy food shop. Fresh meats, veg and fruit, instead of my usual chocolate bar. I really want to lose some weight. Ive also brought a crate of water instead of my usual c...

Another father's day without my dad.  I feel deflated today, when i woke up I sat on my bed for ages trying find the will to live. I'm up and dressed because im going my friends this afternoon for a few hours. I don't feel like doing anything but I have to push myself through. I miss my dad so much. Its till hurts me just as much as it did the day my father passed away.  I just have to keep telling myself that he's with Jay-Dee and they're not alone in heaven. Its the only comfort I get, knowing they're both together.  Ive brought Damian some little gifts and cards off the kids. He's coming in an hour to collect Jesse.  God im so tired of being alive. I'm tired of waking up everyday and trying to live this life I've been given. From the bottom of my heart, I am tired. Grief is draining. Ive just done a wash and got it pegged out, I've checked the weather and there's no rain coming so that's good. I'm joining slimming world next week, ...

Went my mums yesterday to get my hair done, really didn't want it done but my hair was such a mess. My mums a hairdresser which is good. Ive felt so low the past few years and its not getting any better. I have a good day here and there, but even on the better days im still depressed. Ive said it before but I won't live to an old age. I need some happiness in my life. I'm desperate.  I'm so tired of life. I'm drained. I'm mentally tired, does that make sense? I feel like i could sleep forever, basically I wish I was dead. I told my mum yesterday that im suicidal everyday. I hate waking up in the morning.  My boys are back from Italy now, they visited the Vatican and brought me gifts back from there. I'll post a photo of what they got me. Such special gifts that I'll cherish forever. I really do love my children. I'm proud of them. Ive raised well mannered, respectful boys. They're so thoughtful and beautiful. I just wish Jay-Dee was still here. A...

There's nothing more I'd love than to be able to take my own life. Can't do it though can I? Because the boys need me. I feel so fed up, I've got Jay-Dees play list playing on Spotify and the music he was listening to are songs that I use to listen to. He's got some right classics on his play lists. God I miss that boy so much. My heart has been torn apart. I was thinking to myself earlier about how unwell I am mentally. Suicide crosses my mind numerous times a day. Its torture living in my head. I'm sick of fake smiling. I'm sick of being alive and knowing there's nothing I can do about it. Listening to Jay-Dees music is making me feel sad, he should still be here. I miss him so much.  I can't keep living like this, I should really be in a psych ward in a padded room. I know i won't live to an old age and I've accepted that. I'm 41 now and the way things are going, I won't see 42. Something needs to change. I clearly need more help t...

The fact that my son died on his own kills me inside. I replay his death in my head, over and over. Its torture. He was walking around Liverpool on his own for 2 hours before he decided to jump from a multi story car park. I feel like screaming!! My beautiful boy alone hours before his death. My heart aches for my child. My first born child is gone forever and I don't know how to deal with what's happened. His death eats away at me, slowly, everyday, it eats away at me. I have to hide my pain, it's been a year now and im getting better at hiding it. A whole year without my son and its getting no easier. Jensen and Jasper are loving life in Italy with Damian and im sat here blogging about my sons death. Nearly time for me to collect Jesse from school, I'll wear my fake smile again when people speak to me. Its exhausting. I'm constantly tired from life. I hate waking up each day but I know I have to. I hate being alive. Nothing will ever take this pain away that I fee...

Went a quiz night last night with a few of my friends at church, was a really fun evening. Did me the world of good because I've been really down the past week.  All I think about everyday is my dad's and my sons death. Their deaths are consuming me. Ive been diagnosed with PTSD which makes sense. In a couple of weeks I've got a psychology screening. Not really sure what that is if im honest. I need to tell them that suicide crosses my mind everyday. All I think about is hanging myself. One day im going to end up dead. Ive got a few friends coming today for a girly catch up and lots of cups of tea. Ive got so many sober friends now I feel blessed to have them in my life. Jensen and Jasper go Italy later on today for 3 nights with Damian. The house is going to be so quiet without them here, I'll miss them. Jensen and I have just had a McDonald's breakfast, I'll never be skinny and im ok with that. Someone is going to have to love my for me and my weight.  I match...

I've felt a bit better today, don't get me wrong, I still wish I was dead but I'm doing better than I have the past couple of weeks. Why is living such hard work? Life was never meant to be this way. My child should still be alive. My dad should still be here. 55 and 21 are no age to die. It kills me inside everyday. I'm so fed up of trying to be stronger than I am. I smile at my friends, you wouldn't know to look at that I suffer with depression and grief. You wouldn't know that I'm dead inside. Its crazy what a smile can hide isn't it? It's tiring though, pretending to be ok is tiring. I feel drained all the time. I've got nothing inside of me. I'm empty. My life is just a big mess. I don't know how to live anymore. I don't know who I am anymore.  I'm Ann-Louise, a mum to 4 boys, but what else? I'm just a name. I honestly don't know who I am anymore. When I lost my dad, I went into a very dark place that I thought so har...

Just had my results back from my CT scan and I'm cancer free. Thank god for that. I'm so relieved. Thank you Jesus. What a relief.  I still feel like shit today, yesterday drained me. I've got a face full of spots, I feel so run down. I've not long woke up from a nap on the settee. I had to close my eyes because I just felt so tired and drained. I still feel tired now. I've brought slim fast this morning, I'm going try to lose some weight. I'm going cut out all the chocolate I eat. Well I'm going try to. Jesse went back school today, had to force myself to get up and take him. I wish I could just stay in bed and hide away from the world, but I can't and I hate it. When will I be happy to be alive? I'm tired of living, ever likely I want to be in bed. Its my safe space.  Anyway, I'm just glad my cancer isn't back.

1 year today my first born son tragically passed away. A whole year without my child. The pain I feel inside is unimaginable. I'm hurting, like really hurting. My beautiful boy. I'll never get to see his face again, I'll never get to tell him I love him. Today is hard day. I knew it would be hard, I just didn't realise it would knock me off my feet. I'm a mess. I look a mess and I feel a mess. How am I meant to live each day without one of my children? How have I made it through this past year? How am I not dead already? I fantasise about my death. I thought about making a noose the other day and hanging myself. I wanted to self harm yesterday but I made myself leave the house and go my friends to change my way of thinking. Its been a year today since I last harmed. I honestly don't understand how I'm getting through each day. I don't want to be here anymore, I haven't wanted to be alive for years now. How much longer have I got to live with this pai...