June 11th Wednesday.

There's nothing more I'd love than to be able to take my own life. Can't do it though can I? Because the boys need me.

I feel so fed up, I've got Jay-Dees play list playing on Spotify and the music he was listening to are songs that I use to listen to. He's got some right classics on his play lists. God I miss that boy so much. My heart has been torn apart. I was thinking to myself earlier about how unwell I am mentally. Suicide crosses my mind numerous times a day. Its torture living in my head. I'm sick of fake smiling. I'm sick of being alive and knowing there's nothing I can do about it. Listening to Jay-Dees music is making me feel sad, he should still be here. I miss him so much. 

I can't keep living like this, I should really be in a psych ward in a padded room.

I know i won't live to an old age and I've accepted that. I'm 41 now and the way things are going, I won't see 42. Something needs to change. I clearly need more help than im getting. Medication only numbs things, its not dealing with the problem. 

Thing is, how do you fix a broken heart? I fear I maybe lost forever. I don't see a future with me in it. My dad and my son both gone forever. I can't describe the pain I feel inside everyday. Its slowly killing me 😭