June 28th Saturday.

I'm struggling with anxiety, I feel fear about leaving the house and I don't know why. I feel like i can't do stuff or go anywhere alone. Ive not left the house for a few days. I'm fed up of suffering. I wish someone would just put me out of my misery. 

I'm really struggling with life, I have been for years.

I stripped and washed my bedding yesterday and today im doing Jesse's bedding. Dried on the line so it smells amazing. I hate making beds but love getting into a fresh bed. You can't beat it.

I think im going strawberry picking tomorrow with a few of my friends so that'll be good to get out of the house for a few hours. I'm lucky to have supportive friends. They know im struggling. 

I'm just so fed up of being mentally unwell. I just want to get better. I don't know how I've made it to 41 without killing myself if im honest. I get up everyday for my boys, i do it all for them. If I didn't have them I'd be dead already. 

I'm tired of blogging about how unwell I am, I want to write a blog about how happy I am. One day I will, im sure of it.

Ive got my brother coming for a couple of hours today, as he didn't come yesterday so that'll break my day up.

I have to force myself to get out of bed every morning. I'm so tired of life.

I feel like everyone just moved on with their lives after the death of my father and son, and im stuck in grief. My world stopped and everyone else kept on living.

I died that day, the day my father died and then again when my son died. I'm dead inside and no one would know.