June 13th Friday.

Went my mums yesterday to get my hair done, really didn't want it done but my hair was such a mess. My mums a hairdresser which is good. Ive felt so low the past few years and its not getting any better. I have a good day here and there, but even on the better days im still depressed. Ive said it before but I won't live to an old age. I need some happiness in my life. I'm desperate. 

I'm so tired of life. I'm drained. I'm mentally tired, does that make sense? I feel like i could sleep forever, basically I wish I was dead. I told my mum yesterday that im suicidal everyday. I hate waking up in the morning. 

My boys are back from Italy now, they visited the Vatican and brought me gifts back from there. I'll post a photo of what they got me. Such special gifts that I'll cherish forever. I really do love my children. I'm proud of them. Ive raised well mannered, respectful boys. They're so thoughtful and beautiful. I just wish Jay-Dee was still here. A year on and i still can't believe my child has gone forever. Oh my heart aches. It was so lovely the 2 boys going away with Damian, they've made beautiful memories. 

Father's day is approaching and my heart sinks, my dad should still he here. 55 was no age for him to die.

I can't deal with all this death, it's killing me inside. I'm sad every single day and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't know how to get better mentally. I'm sick of fighting a silent battle. I'm tired of pretending that im ok when in actual fact, I am dead inside. 

I'm just so fucking tired of life.