June 10th Tuesday.

The fact that my son died on his own kills me inside. I replay his death in my head, over and over. Its torture. He was walking around Liverpool on his own for 2 hours before he decided to jump from a multi story car park. I feel like screaming!! My beautiful boy alone hours before his death.

My heart aches for my child. My first born child is gone forever and I don't know how to deal with what's happened. His death eats away at me, slowly, everyday, it eats away at me.

I have to hide my pain, it's been a year now and im getting better at hiding it. A whole year without my son and its getting no easier.

Jensen and Jasper are loving life in Italy with Damian and im sat here blogging about my sons death.

Nearly time for me to collect Jesse from school, I'll wear my fake smile again when people speak to me. Its exhausting. I'm constantly tired from life. I hate waking up each day but I know I have to. I hate being alive.

Nothing will ever take this pain away that I feel inside. Ive just got to learn to live with it haven't I?

Had a driving lesson this morning, i hate roundabouts. My mind drifts off when im driving, im surprised I haven't crashed yet. I don't think driving is for me, but I've come to far now to quit. Ive had 14 lessons and at £40 a lesson I've got to carry on with them.

Some times i think about driving off a cliff when ive passed my test. I just hope im better mentally come the end of the year when im due sit my test.

I think about hanging myself daily. I hate my life. I hate being alive.