June 19th Thursday.

Still struggling with wanting be alive, my days all seem to be like groundhog day. My friends came last night for a few hours and it did me the world of good and yet I still wish I was dead. The amount of times i think about hanging myself is unreal. If only people knew.. people tell me how strong I am, yet I don't feel it.

I try my best everyday to wear a smile on my face and when im sat at home alone that's when the hard work starts. That's when I have to keep myself busy so I don't fall apart.

God I miss my dad and my son more than anything in the world. I long to see them again and it breaks my heart that I can't.

Ive said before, im not getting better, im just getting better at hiding my pain.

Ive just done a wash and pegged it out whilst the weather is nice. Its too hot for me with going through the Menopause. I'm on HRT which helps with the hot sweats a bit, but this red hot weather doesnt help.

I had someone come out last night to fit me a shower. Don't know how I've gone so long without one. A cool shower in this weather last night was perfect.

I'm trying my best you know, to stay alive for my kids. I wish they knew how hard im trying for them. If only they knew the depth of my mental health. I talk to Jasper about it, he knows im not well mentally.

Thank god its Friday tomorrow,  I hate doing the school run. Jesse's only got 4 more weeks left before the big 6 week holidays. 

Ive been the cafe this morning to see my friends and then walked Asda and back home with my mate Tom. If Tom was a female he'd be perfect for me. He doesnt drink, doesnt smoke and he goes church. He'll make a good husband one day.

I was speaking to a girl I met on Facebook dating but I've not messaged her for a few days. If im honest, I can't be bothered with the small talk. Ive not got the energy. How do you tell someone you're dead inside? The conversation wasn't flowing, it was the odd message off her here and there so I thought fuck it. I really can't be bothered. 

I keep thinking God will send me someone when the time is right.