June 2nd Monday. 1 year.

1 year today my first born son tragically passed away. A whole year without my child. The pain I feel inside is unimaginable. I'm hurting, like really hurting. My beautiful boy. I'll never get to see his face again, I'll never get to tell him I love him. Today is hard day. I knew it would be hard, I just didn't realise it would knock me off my feet. I'm a mess. I look a mess and I feel a mess. How am I meant to live each day without one of my children? How have I made it through this past year? How am I not dead already?

I fantasise about my death. I thought about making a noose the other day and hanging myself. I wanted to self harm yesterday but I made myself leave the house and go my friends to change my way of thinking. Its been a year today since I last harmed. I honestly don't understand how I'm getting through each day. I don't want to be here anymore, I haven't wanted to be alive for years now. How much longer have I got to live with this pain I'm feeling inside? I wish someone would just put me out of my misery. You wouldn't let an animal suffer the way I am. 

I'm going the crem with my 3 boys when Jensen finishes work to lay some flowers on Jay-Dees flower bed.

It just doesn't feel real that one of my sons has gone forever. Its killing me, slowly but surely, it's killing me off. I've nothing left inside. I'm just a shell of a person. Death has destroyed me. I don't recognise myself anymore. I'm lost.

I'd kill myself if I thought my boys would be ok without me, but i know it would destroy them, so I can't die.