June 4th Wednesday.

I've felt a bit better today, don't get me wrong, I still wish I was dead but I'm doing better than I have the past couple of weeks. Why is living such hard work? Life was never meant to be this way. My child should still be alive. My dad should still be here. 55 and 21 are no age to die. It kills me inside everyday. I'm so fed up of trying to be stronger than I am. I smile at my friends, you wouldn't know to look at that I suffer with depression and grief. You wouldn't know that I'm dead inside. Its crazy what a smile can hide isn't it? It's tiring though, pretending to be ok is tiring. I feel drained all the time. I've got nothing inside of me. I'm empty. My life is just a big mess. I don't know how to live anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. 

I'm Ann-Louise, a mum to 4 boys, but what else? I'm just a name. I honestly don't know who I am anymore. When I lost my dad, I went into a very dark place that I thought so hard to get out of. Olanzopine saved my life. Losing my child, I can't even describe how I feel inside. I feel like I've lost a limb, part of me is missing. Its not supposed to have happened. My son should still be here. God I could scream. I wish I could just scream out loud!! Grief is a silent scream within. I thought i was having a better day, turns out I'm just better at hiding my pain today.