June 24th Tuesday.

Had my 15th driving lesson this morning, as we were driving i came close to the curb and my driving instructor said "if we hit that curb the car will lose control and the car will crash". I thought to myself, I'd love that. Accidentally die in a car crash. Then as I was driving, i thought about turning the steering wheel and plowing into on coming traffic. Some times I think to myself, I really shouldn't be on the road, but here I am having driving lessons haha. Don't you just love intrusive thoughts!. 

I shock myself how i make it through each day without committing suicide. 

I didn't do too bad on my lesson. I still panick when ive got get my bite, when there's a car up my arse and I worry about the car rolling back. Anyway, I've spent too much money to give up now.

I'm tired today, I've just had a shower and gotten into my pj's. Can't wait go bed, I've got no motivation. 

If I didn't have Jesse I wouldn't bother getting out of bed. I hate being alive, I can't stress that enough. I'm doing ok, but I'd still prefer to be dead.

One day im going to feel happiness I just know it. God is preparing me for something great. Well I hope he is!.

I brought everything to make pie, mash,  carrots and gravy for tea, but I just don't have the energy to make it, so im ordering a pizza. I'll cook tomorrow night.

I'm using all my energy to stay alive and its draining. Roll on Friday so I can have a lie in Saturday. 

Jesse's been Chester Zoo today with school, he was awake before my alarm this morning to wake me up, so he wasn't late. He's never late. He was so excited. On the way home from school he was telling me all about his day. These boys of mine don't realise how much they save my life everyday. Its a blessing to be their mum. I struggle most days and my boys give me life. 

Anyway, that's it for today.