Cancer, Depression and Me.

I'm still surviving instead of thriving. I'm alive but i'm not living. I pray everyday for happiness, yet i'm still sad inside. I go to sleep hoping I die in my sleep. I wake up and i'm thankful I didn't die. This is my life. If I didn't have 4 children that need me alive, i'd be gone already. I have no asperations because I didn't expect to still be alive. I have nothing to look forward to and it's easy for people say "lifes what you make it". First of all, kindly fuck off. If it was that simple I wouldnt be highly medicated and under a psychiatrist! I have an illness, well, a few judging by numerous diagnosises i've had. I have said it before but I don't want to be on all this medication, I just want to feel normal. I just want my father back!! I'm not well in the head and I hate it. Im screaming for help inside and no one can hear me. I'm scared that one day i'll be gone and all my kids will have is this depressi...

From where I was this time last year, i've realised how far i've actually come. I'm doing this thing called life. Out of everything that has tragically happened, here I am on a sober journey. I wouldn't be sober if my dad hadn't passed away, so, I guess something good finally came out of something so tragic. I hope my children are proud of me because I am sober for them, yes, i'm sober for me too but I want to make my children proud of me. It's a hard journey to be on, I still have days where I could murder an alcoholic drink but then I remind myself how depressed I already am and how drink makes me feel. It's really not worth it. I know if I have a drink I won't want to stop and I know i'll be suicidal. I have intrusive thoughts most days, but being sober I can sort of control them. I'm sober and i'm trying my best to stay sober. Today has been a day to be thankful for how far i've come the past 2 and half years, it's only when I...

I feel drained, I've had a sleep on the settee today and had the strangest dream. I dreamt about milk that has gone off and flies in my grapes.. Now, after Googling this, it turns out I'm going to be ill. Now I've blogged about it, I'll remember and if I end up ill ill let yall know about it. I always Google my dreams if I remember them, I use to write them down and their meaning, someone will find them when I'm dead. Obviously not any time soon as I'm a bloody fighter and I refuse to let depression win, but, one day I will be gone and all my writing will be found and probably read by my children. They'll know their mom was no quieter! Anyway, school run time so see you soon.

So, how am I feeling?? I'm ok. Even when i'm not ok, I still say i'm ok. I've been to Church, I love going to Church. I love the singing and I love to hear the bible. Church is the only place I feel comfortable, no one judges you and everyone is so loving and caring. It really is a special place that I will continue to go. I'm still trying to figure out who I am, have you ever felt confused about why you're alive? If the answer is no, then you should be feeling pretty thankful. If the answer is yes, rememeber you're not on your own because i'm lost in life too. We'll get there, I believe that God has a plan. Believing this keeps me going. When I come home from Church it hits me all over again, i'm lonely. I can be in a room full of people, yet still feel so lonely. Some times I go to sleep hoping I don't wake up and that's not fair on my kids is it? If only people knew the extent of my illness.. Take care x

Finally I feel better, Fathers Day was a massive trigger but I got through it, and the past few days. I'm always going to feel sad especially on days like fathers day, it's just something i'm going have to deal with. Anyway, i'm feeling better and for that i'm thankful. I plan on going vegan Monday (it's Thursday today), i've been vegaterian for over a year. Cutting out diary is going to be hard I think? Well I hope not anyway haha. I'll keep you all updated on my journey. I've been living sober now for over 17 months and i'm hoping that going vegan will help me mentally and physically.. Sober living is getting easier, the cravings are only now and then, where as before I was craving alcohol every weekend. It was a bad habit and I am so glad I remain sober. I want a healthy mind and body. I need to stop drinking so much coke zero, so from Monday i'm going try lots of water and lots of fruit. I've got 12 cans of coke zero left and after th...

My body is so tired, its a task even walking. Father's Day was a real trigger for me and now I've got to start over again getting out of this mental state that I'm in. I know it's just a few bad days but trying to get your head out of how you feel is hard work. Seems to be affecting my whole body. My whole body feels tired.  Keep having intrusive thoughts about hanging myself. No matter how tired I get, I've got a 7 year old little boy that needs to see his momma after school, so you see, I've got to get through these bad days regardless of how mentally ill I am. I wish mental health was talked about more because I honestly feel trapped and lonely. I don't usually sleep in the day but I did yesterday and I need to sleep today. My body is drained.

I'm sat thinking about how depressed I am, but I've also just sat and thought to myself, this time last year I was in a real bad place mentally and I made it this far. So what I'm trying say is, I'm no where near as depressed as I was this time last year, which means, this time next year I'll be in an even better place mentally.. or I'll be dead. Let's hope it's not the latter.

I self harmed yesterday. Selfharming doesn't mean i'm trying to kill myself, it's simply surface cuts we do as a release. A release of all the emotions I can't control that are going on in my body. Fathers Day was a trigger. This was bound to happen. It's happened and now we move on. I've slept today, I never nap in the day but I feel so drained, i'm so sad inside. I wonder how long Pathological Grief lasts??? Asking for myself? When will I start to feel better mentally? How long am I going to suffer? When am I going to enjoy being alive? I'm not sure I can keep living my life like this.

God I miss my dad more than anything in the world, what I'd give to see him one more time and hear his voice. I feel blessed to have had the best dad in the world.  Trying my best to hold back the tears today. Why take my dad away from me? I ask myself this.. My dad went above and beyond for myself and my children. He really was simply the best and I miss him so much. It hurts inside, it really hurts. My children's dad and Jesse's bonus dad Damian, is amazing. He really is the best dad and I hope he has a blessed and beautiful day. Don't really know what do today, I feel a bit lost. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry but I can't because I have children. If you're lucky enough to still have your dad then give him the biggest hug because he won't be here forever. I still don't know how I've got through the past 2 and half years but by the grace of God I am still here. I've said it before and I'll say it again, the only reason I am still a...

I had a bad day yesterday, I mean, everyday is bad but yesterday I was so tearful all day. I cried a few times. Don't know if I've ever talked about my support network.. The only people I get support off is my sister and my children's dad. One day when I'm gone, this blog will live on and I hope my family read my blog and realise they should of done more. I've got no plans to commit suicide but the Intrusive thoughts might win one day and if they do,  at least my ex Damian and my sister will know in their hearts that they were always there for me. As for the rest of my family.. fuck you 😊 My children are my best friends and so are you Sarah 💗 

So today I am 528 days sober, over 16 months without alcohol. Is it easy? Hell no, but staying sober means my kids keep me longer. Not going lie, being sober is shit but being sober also means I stay alive. Its right what the saying is.. Alcohol is a depressant. I've tried to commit suicide whilst under the influence. Now i'm sober I can handle my emotions better, I can sort of snap myself out of a depressive mood, well most of the time, but in alcohol its so hard to deal with life. The amount of coffee I drink daily is rediculous but what else am I suppose to do? Seem to have a small addiction to Coke Zero too, kind of helps with cravings. Yes, after 16 months you still crave alcohol. It's hard just lately because the weather is so nice, I just want to be sat in a beer garden. The way I get myself out of wanting a drink is to think to myself, it's all fun and games drinking until i drink too much and end up suicidal. So you see, I have to stay sober. I've lost alo...

It's red hot today, I've been in the garden and done my daily chores but I'm filled with sadness today.. Should of expected it really because I've had a good week or so of feeling ok. It'll be the EUPD. I really fucking hate life, I've been in a good place and boom 💥 back to feeling like shit. My mind is on overdrive today, I just keep dissociating from everything. I was thinking to myself, whilst sat lonely in my garden, I thought, I don't watch TV, I can't read a full book, in fact I don't remember the last time I read. I don't write anymore, I'm just so lost in life but I keep showing up everyday because I am a warrior. Life can't get any worse so the only way is up, isn't it?

I applied face cream this evening after my bath, I use to take care of my skin and moisturise daily but this past year I've had no care in the world. Today, I had a care in the world. Today has been another good day. I went Church yesterday, I hadn't been for a while, I sort of lost myself again but yesterday I felt like I needed to be there. The peace I feel in Church is on a whole different level of peace. I love it. Due know, every single day and I mean every day since my dad passed away, I have felt sadness inside.  Everyday, honestly.  Due know how hard it is to keep all this sadness inside, it's hard. I am one strong ass woman, if Cancer didnt kill me, I'll be damned if my mental health will x

I was just sat thinking, my son Jensen took me out to a milkshake farm today, we drove through all country lanes and it took me back to when dad use to take me on long drives through the country and we use to stop in every pub haha. I was also thinking about how I was this time last year, I wasn't leaving the house, I wasn't eating, I wasn't even brushing my teeth. I have come so far, I didn't even realise and it was only until I went down memory lane in my sons car and was able to smile at the memory, it was at that very moment I realised,  how far I have actually come. It's not just the medication because believe me there are still moments I wish I would just die, but I've done this. I've made it this far and if I've made it this far, then I can make it some more. I get my strength from above, I just know in my heart that my dad is guiding me in life and because I believe this, I will keep going x The weather is beautiful amd I'm glad to be alive ❣...

I swear I literally just drift from one day to the next, my dad is on my mind 24/7. Another thing I've been diagnosed with is Pathological Grief.. now that makes sense, along with the EUPD. It all makes sense, the highs and lows,  the only problem is, how low I go when I'm in a depressed state. I'm doing ok at the moment, I'd say it's been a good week, which it has been but I'm always sad. The difference is, when I'm sad but having a good day, I can snap myself out of it, but, when I'm sad and it's a bad day, I go really low. I go suicidal. The medication increase, personally I feel is helping me, but is that because I'm feeling ok this week? Next week maybe a different story.... I'm so fed up of living this life, honestly, if I didn't have children I'd be dead already. Can't wait for my kids grow up so I can kill myself and they'll be ok. Shouldn't really write that because I'm hoping to be better this time next year....