Waking up and wishing that you don't.

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I'm still surviving instead of thriving. I'm alive but i'm not living. I pray everyday for happiness, yet i'm still sad inside. I go to sleep hoping I die in my sleep. I wake up and i'm thankful I didn't die. This is my life. If I didn't have 4 children that need me alive, i'd be gone already. I have no asperations because I didn't expect to still be alive. I have nothing to look forward to and it's easy for people say "lifes what you make it". First of all, kindly fuck off. If it was that simple I wouldnt be highly medicated and under a psychiatrist! I have an illness, well, a few judging by numerous diagnosises i've had. I have said it before but I don't want to be on all this medication, I just want to feel normal. I just want my father back!! I'm not well in the head and I hate it. Im screaming for help inside and no one can hear me. I'm scared that one day i'll be gone and all my kids will have is this depressing blog to remember me by, oh and my depressing book I pulished. How do I begin to live, if i'm already dead inside? How do I see a light, when a switched got turned off inside? I don't feel loved, I don't even feel noticed. I just exist...

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