The days are just passing me by..

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I swear I literally just drift from one day to the next, my dad is on my mind 24/7. Another thing I've been diagnosed with is Pathological Grief.. now that makes sense, along with the EUPD.
It all makes sense, the highs and lows,  the only problem is, how low I go when I'm in a depressed state.
I'm doing ok at the moment, I'd say it's been a good week, which it has been but I'm always sad. The difference is, when I'm sad but having a good day, I can snap myself out of it, but, when I'm sad and it's a bad day, I go really low. I go suicidal.
The medication increase, personally I feel is helping me, but is that because I'm feeling ok this week? Next week maybe a different story....
I'm so fed up of living this life, honestly, if I didn't have children I'd be dead already.
Can't wait for my kids grow up so I can kill myself and they'll be ok.
Shouldn't really write that because I'm hoping to be better this time next year. I'm really trying my best keep my head above water.
It really is true though, alot of people are only alive today because they have children. I'm one of those people that are only alive because of my 4 boys.

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