Cancer, Depression and Me.

 Eeekkkkkkkkkk I literally just typed my book name into amazon (with eBook at the end) and my bloody book came up, all of a sudden i went sick with fear thinking about negative feedback, i am also extremely anxious about people reading very personal poems. The idea is to reach people that are feeling like me and them thinking to themselves "that is exactly how i feel". People get to see in black and white just how much i am suffering inside. I truly fight every day to stay alive,  i don't want to die but i don't to feel like this anymore, i can have people around me, yet still feel so alone. If anyone ever reads my blogs, it would be lovely if you purchase the short book because the poems go with the posts i write on here. It weird really because it all happened so fast, i just woke up a few weeks back and thought to myself, publish them depressing dark poems you've been writing for nearly 2 years, so i did. Wouldn't recommend doing it at all hahahaa, the only

 Don't know if i have mentioned before but, 4 Sunday's ago i found myself in church. I have either lost my mind completely or i have had some sort of spiritual awakening, regardless of what you think, i am sticking with the latter. I do feel like since i had my surgery for cancer that something changed in me, i feel like i had some sort of epiphany this year, first i stopped drinking alcohol, then i end up in church hahahaa (if i don't laugh, i will cry) but seriously though, what has happened to me?? Anyway, back to the church thing, a few weeks back, in the evening ( i may be repeating myself) i was sat on my back doorstep, it was dark, i was feeling really low as usual and i asked myself why i was still alive. I thought to myself, these exact words 'you'd be better off dead' and then after that something happened, i started seeing things you wouldn't usually see, like signs let's say. So that's when the publishing of the eBook came about, the word

Not sure if I've talked about my sobriety in the past [I don't read back what I write] January 1st 2022. The day I had what I can only describe as an Epiphany.  I'd already signed up and dedicated myself to the Dry January Dryathalon, for CRUK, and I was raising money, there's no way I wasn't going sober for January. So I got to the end of January and thought to myself, hang on a minute, if I can go 31 days without alcohol then why not carry on.. So the reason for this blog is because today I hit 300 days sober. Now some may read this and think 'I don't drink alcohol, no big deal' It is to me, after my dad's death I hit the bottle hard, then finding out I had cancer 5 months after losing my dad, I hit the bottle harder. My life spiraled out of control, I wasted alot of money on Jack Daniels to be precise.  If I hadn't of stopped drinking, hand on heart, my kids would of buried me already, or burnt me, I don't really care. Let me just talk abo

I literally wake up whilst it's still dark, I tiptoe to the toilet, so I don't wake anyone, I climb back into my warm bed I lie there in silence as I wait for Jesse to rise, I do my motherly duties and I wait for nighttime to come Then I repeat this daily. The end.

 Firstly, Netflix really pulled it out the bag with this tearjerker, secondly, i should of read what it was about and avoided, or was i meant to watch this? Who knows. One thing i do know is, i produce a lot of tears for someone who is only 5ft 3". I related to a few characters, i relived some scenes all over again, it has brought everything to the surface, well that happened Father's Day this year [2022] Everything hit me, then just recently, since taking the news meds, my own cancer hit me, i was like, when the fuck did all this happen?!?! This series also made me realise how messed up, mentally, cancer has made me. I'm a different person, i'm not sure who i am, but i am definitely different. Now i'm on a self-healing/finding journey.

Can not sleep, minds on overdrive, Sharon's funeral today. Jesse-John stayed Damians last night, I went asleep easy enough [thanks Olanzapine] but now I'm wide awake. Not got a clue what I'm going to wear. I've not been back to the crematorium since dad's funeral, I've had people I know pass away since dad but I couldn't go their funeral. I'm going struggle today.  I feel numb to all this death that happens around me, its like I've blocked out any emotion or the Olanzapine has blocked it for me. Feel like I just keep getting winded and by time my body adjusts, I get winded all over again.

 This isn't the first time I have asked myself this question. Why put me through so much pain and suffering with my own cancer, that I am continuously punished in life, by cancer taking away the people I love, the people I have grown up with, my friends, dads' friends. Just why? Why am I still alive? I was even told; my cancer could come back. The constant worry over the slightest thing wrong with me. How cruel is this world we live in? I just don't understand why I am still here. One thing I do know is, I am one strong ass woman!!! I honestly believe I am being taught a very hard and cruel lesson, but what was it I did so wrong in life to be punished to this degree?  

The day was going so well, I'd literally just published my first ebook on the Kindle. I was so happy, finally people can see a glimpse into my 'happy' life and, hopefully feel like they're not alone. Then anxiety hit and my body started to shake, like I was really nervous, what if it goes wrong? I'm lay in bed now, alone, crying. Due know what though, even if the book doesn't go well, at least I can proudly say 'I published independently, my own ebook in memory of my dad' and that is enough for me. I feel comfort.

Firstly, thank you God for guiding me down the right path in life. Today I published my own book. I PUBLISHED MY OWN BOOK!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH OMG!!!!!  EXCITING TIMES AHEAD 💗

So, not only do I write my personal thoughts on here, I write very personal poetry, that I've been working on for a few years. Today it got publish on the Kindle 💕

I feel so alone, like, really alone. I can hear the boys around the house, but deep down inside I am so lonely. I sat on my backdoor step earlier when it was dark, and I thought to myself, I'd be better off dead.. Now, prior to this, I'd just done a half head of foils on my daughter in laws hair. [Looked amazing] We'd had music playing, we were all laughing. All the while, I was completely and utterly alone inside. I'm now sat on my bed, alone, writing this blog that probably nobody reads. Moral of this blog entry is, just because somebody smiles and makes conversation, doesn't mean they're happy inside. Infact, they could be dead inside like me.

It's really not that hard for me to describe, how days are right at this very moment.. Sad and Alive.  It's such a weird feeling, I have literal outbursts of energy, but yet a feeling, which is so hard to describe, of complete and utter sadness. How very strange, to be alive yet so alone.

 Today, i went to church. The past week i've felt very connected to a higher being, if that makes sense at all? I feel more connected spiritually to things, i should also mention, i have been listening to Shakra sounds to fall asleep to. I've probably already said but i can't remember. [i never read back what i write. It's hard enough typing when im sad.] Anyway, i drift off to sleep so peacefully, the music and the Olanzapine are a good combo! Since doing this, i'm remembering dreams again, ive kept a dream journal for some time [years] i find it helps when i know why im having the dream i am, and also, the meaning behind why i was able to remember it. I feel like a path has been set for me to follow, and im finally on the right path to some sort of happiness.   

Can't put my finger on which one is more depressing 😕  For me, they're equal because I am alone all the time. It's hard to explain, I have my kids around me but I still feel so alone. When I sit at night and reflect on my day, I have to force myself to come up with at least one positive.. the children are all safe. That's my positive.  There's got to be more, I can imagine you thinking.. Oh yeh, I woke up today to be a mum again.. Yay [sarcasm] But seriously, I wake up, I be a mum, the boys say jump, I say how high. I'd move mountains for my children without a doubt. Now that's all well and good people saying, think of the kids if you weren't here.. Firstly, they are all I think about, but secondly, what about me for once??? When do I get a break to think about myself, I have never gotten a break in life. My whole life has been one big fuck up. The only positive to have come out of my 38 years of been stuck on this shit planet is birthing 4 beautiful ba

The start of this year, I had an Epiphany.  I quit alcohol and started to eat healthy. I order food for the boys, but I've not had a takeaway for months. Here are the results to date.. January 10th 2022 - October 2022  (I drink 3-4 litres of water a day) (i also went veggie 5 months ago)

I plan on going to Church this Sunday, I've spoken to the Reverend and his wife and explained that, I feel like now my Dad is above me, I feel like I'm being guided along the right path in life. I know you're probably thinking, she's definitely lost the plot, I can 100% agree, that I most definitely have.  This is why I'm sharing it on here, instead of telling people and them laugh and talk about me behind my back. I've not got a clue who or if anyone even reads my Blogs, so I can write on here and it's out of my system.  When I think about doing things, whether that be the Intrusive thoughts or I get the craving for alcohol, it's like I get a sign. Whether that be an Angel Number, confirming that I don't need it or don't do it, it could be a quote I'll see, or anything really that confirms that I'm doing ok.  You're probably thinking or even speaking out loud saying 'I do hope this girls getting help'.. I am lol. But joking a

I feel completely numb inside, I keep crying thinking about Sharon not being here. I can't quite comprehend that Cancer has taken you away too [including my Dad] I'm sat thinking, why did I survive Cancer? Its destroying my life still by taking away people I love. I can't help but think, I'm being taught a very harsh lesson. I keep trying to think what could I of possibly done wrong in my life for this to happen.. then it hits me, I was an alcoholic. Did I do something that bad in drink and I can't remember? I just don't understand what is happening around me...

111 and 666 are everywhere just lately. I know I've made the right choices this time in life. Rubbish took itself out and I'm getting stronger than I was. I've got this.

 I guess i should talk about my unnecessary spending, it's probably because i'm stuck in my own thoughts daily, so i think i spend to take my mind off things. Now i know, i sit and cry about the cost of living, but that still doesn't stop me ordering off Amazon Prime or out of my Catalogue. I enjoy buying thing's for other people, half the time its not even for myself, i just like making other people smile. I'm a good person with a heart of gold, i just like making people smile because i can't smile myself. It warms my heart. For some reason, it makes me feel better about myself when i buy for other people, that could be because i'm lonely and i just want to maybe, just give a gift and it's my way of saying 'i love you'. I've purchased very bizare things, let me just name a few.. .Quran and Prayer matt .5 holidays and i only went on 2 .Skates that i wore once and nearly broke my spine because my feet flew in the air and i dropped, i actually

Something happened to me this year, I had an Epiphany, I stopped drinking alcohol completely and I am still to this day sober 🙌🏼 I've been willing to try anything that might possibly lift this [Chronic Depression] weight I carry around daily.  The same night I stated to take Olanzapine, I also started to, let's say Meditate, I purchased one of them head bands you can sleep in with flat earphones inside (Amazon), on Spotify (thanks to Damian) I've been listening to hours of [sleep therapy] calming sounds, nope not like white noise, music to unlock my Chakras. I know what you're thinking, because I think it too.. 'has she lost her mind' The answer is, Yes, Probably.. So anyway, these sounds of calming chimes, and, just complete soothing to the mind noises, relaxed me.  I felt comfort from the oddly soothing sounds, I somehow felt connected but to what I'm unsure. These [beautiful] soothing sounds ontop of Olanzapine and I drift off. Unfortunately I don't

So today is 04/10/22 So not last night, but the night before, my Dad visited me through my dream. I'm not sure if I mentioned, he was limping. Obviously I have a dream journal, I mean why the hell not, when you remember so many, it intrigues me to find the meaning, so anyway went off track then, my Dad's limp told me something bad was going to happen... So last night, I couldn't settle at all, I was awake so much and the Olanzapine didn't touch me until about 9am. My body just wouldn't shut off and I remember before I went asleep and this is on my 4 boys lives, I said to myself, text Sharon in the morning. When I awoke, I found out that Sharon passed away last night. I am devastated.  I thought I was losing my marbles, I've been having alot of signs that my Dad is sending me messages and now I know in my heart, he is with me, he's probably watching me as i write this and saying 'yes i am' My Dad always called me a nickname, all my life, only a few pe

As you're probably aware by now, not only am I filled with grief and heartache but I also suffer with insomnia.  I invested in one of them headband things with earphones in that you can sleep whilst wearing.. Well the past 2 nights I've used it and it's amazing. I also have Spotify (thanks Damian), so not last night the night before, I used white noise ontop of Olanzapine and I slept 6 hours 🙌🏼 but last night, I played a Shakra opening sleep noise that lasted 3 hours, 10 minutes in and I was asleep and then for the first time in god knows how long my father came to visit me. I needed that so much and as you all know I write alot and read alot. So I've just Googled my dream because my dad was limping and this visitation stayed in my mind long enough for me to research it, so here are the results. So thankful for meditation whilst falling asleep and opening my mind so my dad was able to visit me 💙